Is your husband/partner supportive?

I have seen quite a few posts regarding husbands who were less than completely helpful, so I just thought I would offer some unsolicited advice!

From my observations, men like to "fix" things, and if they can't fix it, they don't know what to do about it, so they get withdrawn or frustrated.

My husband was a bit withdrawn at first, but I finally decided to get him involved in DOING something. I had him help get the house ready for my recovery. He got the guest room ready (I slept in there for awhile because our bed is very tall, and also I didn't want him bumping into me!), went shopping with me for comfy clothes to wear, he moved everything I might need to waist-level (clothing, toiletries, cups, juice, etc.) so I wouldn't have to bend or reach, bought food and juices that would be easy for me, etc.

This way, he felt he was doing something to "fix" the problem, and it also helped him stay focused on AFTER the surgery, which helped him realize there would BE an after, and I would be coming home to him.

This was the first experience either one of us had with a hospital or illness, so he was just as frightened as I was, but didn't feel like he could show it. My mom said he actually cried when he saw me in the recovery room. I have NEVER seen Mr. Tough Guy Police Officer cry in our 10 years together!

Another woman on this site whose husband didn't want to talk about her surgery said she printed posts and information from the site, and just left them lying around in places he would see them. Apparently, he read them and realized how much support and help she needed!

Good luck!

Thanks for some good ideas! I think you hit the nail on the head...when the men in our lives feel helpless, they don't always react the way we think they should!

It's a good perspective to consider.

Karen

My hubby was an . He did everything I asked and even chastised me for doing things I should not be doing. He made sure I had everything I needed. I have to say I talked his ear off before the surgery, after the surgery and during recovery. He never acted like he was tired of listening.
I got a card at my 6 week mark along with a <rose and some wine> that said he was proud of me for how I dealt with everything. The fear of the surgery. The post-op pain without pain meds. And the boredom of recovery. This showed me that he REALLY understood what I have gone through. <geesh> Two weeks ago and writing this is making me cry, darn't! I have a wonderful man and he has a wonderful woman. 15 years this month.
I am truly blessed.

Hugs, see there are some wonderful guys out there.
I am now 9 months post and I found that my hubby was just brilliant. I did not think he would do well with me having this surgery, but man was I wrong. He was brilliant. I had complications after with a bladder that went on strike and refused to go after a major repair. I had a cath for 7 long weeks. It was the hardest time of my life. When I had to clamp and try and pee the pain was awful. My hubby ended up sitting in the toilet with me on the floor, hugging me and talking me through the pain. He was there when I needed him the most. Even the day the SP cath came out. He washed cooked etc for 7 of us in the house.
Do not ever underestemate them, just when you think they will not cope they shine. Hugs Vicki

Takes after his Mom!

I am really afraid that he just won't understand that I need so much help. He tends to be a bit needy and selfish. I signed him up for a class offered by the hospital that is "highly recommended" for patients and care givers. I really hope the class helps.

O.

I thought he would end up acting like he did after my diagnostic lap in February where the very night I came home from my outpatient surgery I was having to take care of the twins and the older kids! But I must say he has surpassed my every expectation and actually won't let me do a thing. And the few times I have actually done something I wasn't supposed to he actually YELLED at me!! Reminding me of my need to heal. One thing I did do that I think helped alot was print out some of the do's and don'ts and the advice for family members from the pull down menus. I even made him read them, and now when I get online he reads the posts with me and will say things like "see you are doing too much, you aren't supposed to be doing anything but resting and walking"
I am so proud of him. He is even doing my packing of my incision twice a day (which is helping him feel like he is fixing me!!!).
So there is hope out there for you ladies who think your hubby won't come through.

's
Pamela

My husband is normally the spoiled brat in our house.

Last weekend instead of going fishing he suggested helping me get the house REALLY clean so it won't make me crazy during my recovery. HE moved all of the furniture so I could vacuum the floors good, HE cleaned all of the ceiling fans, HE swept the ceilings, HE CLEANED THE WINDOWS inside and out. I could not believe it when at 9:00 Sunday night HE was scrubbing the stove.

This week he has been concentrating on making lists of all sorts: groceries, who to call, what I will need special or extra when I get home from the castle, meals I might like, and on and on. I have been amazed.

He is also taking the first week I'm home off from work.

I need to say, however, he does not want to discuss any of my physical problems: bleeding, bloating, cramps. No Way. Thank goodness I have yall for that.

But he's a keeper and I'm so lucky to have him.

Elizabeth
TAH/BSO, 7/25

I am 10 days post-op and my DH has been great in some ways. He has reminded me not to overdo. He has helped with the kids. He has done almost everything I have asked him to do. However, sometimes when I ask him to do something, like bathe our 3 year old son, or change the sheets, or unload the dishwasher, he gives me this "sigh." Like its such an unbearable burden for him. Sometimes, when I just say his name I get the sigh and then a "What" with a tone of voice that means "good Lord what do you want now?" I have learned to ask my daughter (11 years old) to do a lot of things, and I have done a lot of picking up and dishes and laundry myself, which I probably shouldn't. The worst of it was on my 4th day after surgery, first day home from the hospital. He came home from work and got all mad, slammed doors and threw things, saying I had been cranky ever since the surgery and he was sick and tired of it. (Hello?) I asked him what he meant and he said that I hadn't told him thank you for laying out my pills and pulling out the sofa for me before he left for work. DH and I have been married for over 20 years, and I have to admit I'm pretty disappointed.

Maybe I shouldn't have posted this here. If so I'm sorry.

This is exactly what I fear will happen to me. My hubby of 15 years is so very needy and selfish sometimes. There have been times in the past when he threw similar tantrums for no reason.

The best I can figure is that maybe your hubby is scared and doesn't know how to express it other than throw a tantrum. I have learned that when my DH gets "that way" it usually has nothing to do with me. He is usually stressed about work or something else and I am merely the catalyt. He gets angry with me because I am simply there. We've had some pretty good knock down drag outs over the years and almost always I find out later there is something else behind it.

I think your DH is stressed and scared, but maybe he will learn to appreciate you once this is said and done. I think sometimes they do not realize how much we actually do until we are unable to.

I hope things go smoother for you. And please take it easy, don't let his sighs rattle you into doing something you shouldn't.

Take care,

O.

Of course you can post here! It is a discussion about the good and not so good hubby's we have to deal with. It's good to come here and vent! Maybe you should tell him that you feel like you are burdening him and that his sighing and snapping "what?" at you is making it worse. I kept telling my family, this is not forever. This will pass, things will get back to normal. I think it is very important that you tell him he has hurt your feelings. YOU matter most right now. You should not feel obligated to do dishes or laundry. YOU are healing from a major surgery. Use paper plates if you have to. Whatever you do, don't hurt yourself or you will be BACK in the hospital! No one wants to go thru that! If the roles were reversed, how would you take care of hubby? You and I both know he would have you at his beck and call. You know why? That is what love is. The good and the bad. For better or worse. You just remember that you are ALLOWED to take this time for yourself! And remind anyone else that needs reminding!
Please please please pamper yourself during this time!

Great BIG

You come and post anytime!