insensitive husbands

Thorned Rose,Your post had me teary-eyed and I don't think it's hormonal I have been in the process of choosing between a LAVH and an EA this past week. I don't have a hubby to go through it with but there's a someone special who has been reading all of the info that I have printed out.He told me that the decision is mine but I value his opinion.I know it's hard for him to not be able to fix this for me.Guys do go into that "cave" and I am sure he will for a bit as the date gets closer. It doesn't mean they don't love us.I think you will see things get better after your surgery.Keeping happy thoughts for you Anna! Karen

to agree with what most of the sisters have said here: that most men SEEM "insensitive" because they are all thumbs when it comes to expressing emotion and they FREAK if they can't "FIX IT!" My husband is no exception, except that he is at least to express grief and worry, and he worries a LOT. Since our marriage nearly 12 years ago, he's lost his mother, his father, and his only sibling, his sister, to a sudden heart attack. She was only 50.

My husband puts up with a lot of bologna from me (I'm bipolar II) and takes up a lot of the slack when I'm having a bad time. Luckily that's not too much of the time, but usually around PMS time. I'm hoping the hysterectomy will turn the volume down, even though we're leaving the ovaries in.

HOWEVER, MY DH is a REAL HYPOCHONDRIAC and is super-sensitive to every little thing going on in his body. He has experienced atrial fibrillation (sudden, fast, irregular heartbeat) about a half-dozen times in his life, and has had to be hospitalized for it about four times. He takes medication for it, but is SO terrified it will "happen any second" that he is loathe to even take a DAY TRIP anywhere! ARRGH! The condition isn't even immediately life-threatening, even if it's chronic (then they put you on blood thinners, so you don't get blood clots). The guy is healthier than a horse: perfect weight, works out every day, looks like a stud, NO body fat, eats better than most Gollywood personal trainers! Still, he's had this "pain" in his chest, which is probably caused by GERD, which he's run to every doctor under the sun about. I hadn't heard about it in a while ... until my SAH came up!

NOW HE'S WHINING AGAIN! "I feel sick; I feel wiped up; I'm in terrible pain." He just brushes off my upcoming major abdominal surgery as "a piece of cake!" but when HE had MINOR KNEE SURGERY TWO MONTHS AGO, HE WAS A NERVOUS WRECK FOR THE TWO WEEKS BEFOREHAND! After three nights without sleep, I had to FORCE him to take a Xanax! He would only take it (it was the tiniest dose tablet, too!) a quarter at a time!) Talk about your big baby! Well, my daughter is here on a two-hour delay from shcool and SHE's whining, so I gotta go.

My boyfriend and I live together. We've only been together for almost a year now. So, I was a little worried how he would handle this. He's kind of a health nut...never goes to the doctor, never has had to have surgery, or anything like. I was so afraid that he would be dissappointed in me that I couldn't take care of my problems with medication or whatever. He did seem a little "quiet" when I told him. So, I (in my wild hormone state) thought he didn't care. I got kind of pmsy for a few days until he finally sat me down and asked what was wrong. I told him that I thought he didn't care and was dissappointed with me. He told me that I was wrong...that he did really care. He just didn't realize that I was scared about all of it. We have thought for a few months that I might have to have this done. And I was happy that I would be pain free finally.

Anyways, you just have to sit down and tell the guys how you feel about this. Since my boyfriend is DEATHLY afraid of ever having a vasectomy (thinks it will kill his manhood! LOL) I compared a hyst to that. It seemed to "click" for him then! LOL

Tink,Please tell your boyfriend that a vasectomy won't "kill" his manhood. I think we also have to remember that depending on the ages of our guys, "ladies things" weren't discussed openly when they were younger so they might not be up on all the info so it's somewhat of a mystery to them.As the time comes for me to go through this,I am going to try and focus on the little things he does to let me know how he feels even though he will be a little quiet verbally. We've been together for a few years and I think day of my biopsy was when it finally hit me that this guy really does love me.I spent part of that morning at his house.He had to work but when I got there he had choices for my breakfast out,a sweet note,bottle of Tylenol,his warm robe,extra sweats and heavy socks to keep me comfy and warm. Even though he wasn't there,I felt pampered. When I got back there after the biopsy,I just wrapped up in his robe and crashed on the couch. After all that yapping,what I am trying to say is actions speak louder than words so keep those eyes open! Karen

I was a total <Oops! Please don't try to override the website censor. > this morning, running around screaming at everybody, especially my poor DD, when I saw that her homework was in an EXPLOSION all over her bedroom floor, AFTER she had told DH that she had put it in her backpack. I stormed around, threatening to go "on strike." DH, God Bless Him, knew it was all HORMONES, but quietly read me the riot act and sent me back to bed. I will apologize to DD tonight. She has piano lessons, so I won't see her till later.

Anyway, after he took her down to the bus stop, he came back up (instead of just going to work) to ask if I was OK, and then offered to take me to my pre-op visit tomorrow. He could of, and SHOULD have, been majorly pee-ohed by my behavior this morning, but instead he said, "You must be scared out of your mind!" Then I burst into tears and he held me. Everybody together: "AWWWWWWWW!" I may just take him up on it, except that overachieving DD has BASKETBALL practice tomorrow night and somebody needs to take her to that, and I'm not sure how long the pre-op will take (could run past 3 p.m., when her bus comes home, so she may have to go into after-school program, blah, blah, blah).

Does anybody else feel GUILTY about how their impending surgery is affecting their family? I AM!

And Karen, DH was SO terrified at the thought of a vasectomy after we had our "one only" child (he has three grown boys by his first marriage), that I had my tubes cauterized instead. He was also SO terrified that I'd get pregnant that well, he just couldn't, you get the idea! When I told this to my new OB/GYN, she said, it was probably a good idea that I had it done, since I got pregnant SO QUICKLY (just six weeks after opening the one tube during laproscopic surgery), I had a very good change of having an ectopic pregnancy, anyway.

the binkle, I completely understand feeling guilty about how this will affect your family. I think that's my hardest part right now too. I hate the idea of having to ask for help for awhile. My boyfriend that I live with is great about stuff like that, but I still feel guilty. I just have to remind myself that this will benefit us all when I feel better.

I broke down the other day and finally told my boyfriend that even though I was really happy about getting this done....that I was still scared and needed him.

Hang in there!

It's probably not that your husband is insensitive. He may just not know how to act. When I was told a week and a half ago that I would need the surgery and that I would be off for at least 8 weeks (I'm a nurse and do a lot of lifting), my husband was panic stricken. "You can't be off work for 8 weeks! How will we pay the bills?"

I sat down, figured out how exactly we would pay the bills and comforted my husband. Then, he even offered to get a second job for a while but I said no because I would need his hellp at home more than the money. Then he felt better.

My husband doesn't talk much about the surgery but I have learned over the years that it doesn't mean he is insensitive. After months of treatment for infertility when I finally got pregnant, I was on bedrest and on progesterone for 3 months just in hopes that I wouldn't lose the baby. When we finally made it to the 3 month mark he took me out and told me how worried he was. I asked why he didn't talk about it and he said that he was afraid it would make me worry more.

I believe my husband is scared to death about the upcoming surgery but he doesn't talk about it. Just says that everything is going to be ok. I also know that he won't leave my side after the surgery until I come home. That's just the way he is.

Give your husband a chance. I think you will may find out he is like he is because he is worried and he can't fix it and that is hard for him.

Sometimes they just don't think.

When I came home in November and told him my doctor had me get an ultrasound and that I had multiple Fibroid tumors and one was at least 9 cm according to the ultrasound technician. He nearly blew a gasket that I wasn't going right in to see someone.

I called the next day and spoke with my doctor and she informed me that I need to see a gyn. I looked around and called to make the appointment and couldn't get in until January 7th.

Again, he was upset that I couldn't get in in a reasonable time... yada, yada, yada I felt that this was a reasonable wait time to get in with someone who could answer all of my questions. It also gave me time to research and know what to ask.

I also told him I would have to schedule my surgery around my work flow. (most of my work is quarterly so I have four busy seasons a year!). He said no, my health is more important than my work.

When we saw the gyn, I talked about my work and said that I would like it end of march or June. The gyn said March 18, that would work for me.

I know my DH is concerned and worried so now he thinks I should put it off to June. LOL first things aren't going fast enought and now they are going too fast for him.

First words out his mouth when he found out I would be down for the count for 4-8 weeks and the first week home not able to do much, was who is going to cook for me?

Sigh... I don't think they realize how that sounds. Give him time to work through how he feels about it.

Ladies, thank you all for the compliments on my husband! I know he's one in a million, and probably the biggest blessing God has ever put into my life.

Reading through this thread, I really feel the need to point out something to all of us who have spouses dealing (often silently) with the emotions associated with an illness and upcoming surgery on us.

Little boys, for the most part, are raised a certain way. From the time they are very little, they are told that "boys don't cry", "Suck it up like a man", "Deal with it", etc. It's not very often that you find a family which teaches its son(s) to emote effectively. Boys are taught that acceptable emotional outlets are sports, hobbies, grabbing a beer, etc. When all else fails, they are taught to "duke it out". Notice, there isn't much training in the "If you tell a girl her butt is very round and pokes out like JLo, chances are she won't see it as a compliment" department. Is it any wonder that, by the time they are adolescent, males have trouble dealing with female emotions? They are pretty much taught that to actually express what they feel is wrong...And then they go into the stage where they are attracted to creatures who do a LOT of emoting!

Conversely, we girls have been taught from birth that it's okay to be emotional -- It's almost a rite of passage. I can't think of a time in my life where it was uncomfortable when a friend, family member or spouse asked me what I was thinking or feeling at a particular moment. Saying "I feel..." doesn't involve feeling as though you are crossing into unfamiliar territory, as it often does with a man. It's taught to us ladies to be as natural as breathing. Even on this board, there is a comfortable emotional familiarity between women. We equate 'love' and 'closeness' with emoting what we feel. A man is taught that emoting his emotions is wrong. There is a huge conflict there.

Now, considering the difference between guys and ladies in the emoting department, it isn't surprising that there may be miscommunications of intent and/or emotion. The guy who's sitting there like a rock as you speak with a doctor just may be listening, learning, and not have much to say. He may be silent as you leave the doctor's office because he doesn't know HOW to express the emotions of fear, concern, anxiety and/or emotional pain without sounding like a 'sappy wuss'. Don't think he's just not caring...If he didn't care, he wouldn't even bother asking about your doctor appointments in the first place.

However, did he give you a long hug when you got into the house after the doctor's visit? Did he hold your hand on the drive home? Did he ask if you were hungry, or if you needed anything? Did he get up and clean the kitchen without you asking? Did he do something small, but out of the ordinary that day or the next day or so? Those are all expressions of love and caring. Some men are not good talkers, but incredible 'doers', when they want to show how emotions are affecting them.

As one lady said in this thread, one husband's response was, "Who will fix my dinner?" Don't think of it as a callous response...He was actually expressing a concern, albeit in a very stumbling way, on a skill he hasn't had to learn until now (I say get him a beginner's cookbook and LOTS of easy freezer/box meals!). Same thing with a guy who goes shopping for the first time, gets half the things on the list, gets a bunch of junk items, and comes home expecting praise...Like anyone learning a new skill, he'll make mistakes.

As a side note, when my hubby and I were starting in our marriage, we did have some difficulties which prompted us to go for counseling with our pastor (whose wife is a counselor & who picks out the books for marital counseling). He (or is it she?) recommended we both read a book called, "The Five Languages of Love". For the ladies here, I strongly recommend the book as a read while recovering. It describes different ways of showing love, and understanding them. The book did a lot to rectify the misunderstandings between my hubby and I...Of course, hubby and I both read it too.

In closing, please keep in mind that your husband loves you. He loves you enough to continue to honor the marriage vows, and he loves you enough to stick through this time with you. Yep, he'll stumble as he learns some new skills. But in the end, your marriage will be stronger for it.

Donna

I just have to tell you thanks for your wonderful post. It was truly very encouraging to me and probably others on this board. :-)))))