DH is FREAKING OUT!

(Wow! This ended up a lot longer than I thought ... sorry.)

Coming here helps me so much. Whatever I have concerns about, I am able to do a search and feel more informed. Unfortunately, my husband does not have that luxury.

(Yes, I know about misterhystersisters, but my husband isn't going to go there.)

My doctor and I have been keeping an eye on my fibroids for about 5 years. The only person I told was my sister (I thank God for her). Finally, this year we decided it was time to do something about them, so I told my husband.

At first, he was very calm as he listened to me and asked very few questions. Then, the next day he FREAKED OUT. He was crying like I was going to die. I tried to explain as calmly as I could that this was not an unusual problem for women, but he was inconsolable. Now his emotions range from calm to fear to anger (because I didn't tell him).

My husband is a "man's man," know what I mean? He hunts, fishes, drives around the woods in his big *** truck ... a real redneck. He's not much of a nurturer. And, even though I know that he loves me very much, he sometimes just doesn't know how to show it.

He has been having some stress at work and with a personal relationship with a neighbor. This simply added to that stress. He is naturally a volatile person, and I am the calm, reasonable one.

I decided to invite him to a consult with my doctor. I printed out the questions that were recommended here. Even though my doctor and I had already discussed some of the items, I made sure to ask them in front of my husband, so he could hear the answers first hand. I even recorded the meeting on my cell phone (which I highly recommend). I believed it to be very helpful and informative to my husband, but later he indicated that "I wasn't telling him anything." And, he was only getting information from what he overheard me telling others.

Yes, I have been protecting him because of his "freak out." So, now I am trying to reveal bits of information to him without overloading him. For example, I indicated a concern regarding the height of our bed (waterbed frame with temperpedic mattress) and my ability to get in and out after surgery. This gave him a project which made him feel useful.

Now he has been expressing concern that I am "giving up." I have been trying to be realistic about my recovery and what I will and will not be able to do. He has only had experience with outpatient surgery (for himself and for me) and compares my recovery to that. (i.e. "Yeah, they told me I would be down for six weeks, but I showed them.") I am a member of a middle eastern dance company that performs locally. When I indicated that it would be a while before I returned to my dance classes (once a week), he said, "It's like you've given up." But, I feel like I am just being realistic. I tried to explain that I would return when I felt able, but that wasn't what he wanted to hear ... I guess.

Also, when I indicated that my mom and my sister would help, he said "They don't think that I can take care of you." So, now I have told my sister (who in turn told our mother) not to come. (He is such a "dude.") My mother is retired and lives close (30 miles), so I am not worried about her being able to come help at a moment's notice. And, my sister is a little further away, but she doesn't work and her children are grown. So, she is pretty available as well. I told my sister that he would probably get tired of taking care of me pretty quickly, then she'd get "the call."

Has anyone had experience with a husband like this? Do you have any recommendations on how to ease him into the reality of my recovery?

My pre-op appointment is on Thursday. Will this be an "eye-opener" for my husband?

With my surgery less than two weeks away, I am just trying to physically and mentally prepare myself ... but, I guess I need to prepare him better.

Wow gal pal you have your hands full! I, too, have a "redneck" hubby who hunts, fishes, drives a big truck. You may have your reasons, but keeping him in the dark for 5 years may not have been the best plan.

I have the same thing you do: a big ol' fibroid that I have had for 5 years. It has not given me any problems, but it has been hiding my left ovary which now is harboring some unwanted tumors. My hubby and I found out about it together (when my very ex gyno told me I had cancer and everything had to come out 5 years ago), and we have named the fibroid "Sunny" since it is the size of a grapefruit. Now, though, since there's a real potential for cancer, everything will indeed come out with a 5-year-new gyno.

I understand your hubby freaking out. These kinds of guys don't know how to handle this stuff and freak out. I applaud you for giving him projects. That really helps my hubby. Give him some problems that need fixing, let him fix them, and he feels so helpful. Ask him to listen...and he tries to fix. Not necessarily the best for us gals. My hubby has been telling me to be more positive, and has not necessarily been able to listen to my concerns, so I am very grateful to this forum to let me chat. I went pre-op shopping today for food and necessities, and he views this as my concern that he will not be able to take care of me, rather than the reality of I want it to be easy for him and not be such a burden.

Your hubby may be feeling really concerned about you keeping more info from him, so your best bet may be to assure him that you are telling him everything from now on. And of course he is scared. So along with you taking care of you, I think you have to take care of him too. Remember, most men (especially men's men) are little boys, and they want reassurance.

Good luck! I don't think I helped you any, but know there are others out there with the same type of hubby!

Hi ncs

I am sorry your DH is freaking out. They sometime do that. This time before surgery can be really stressful. DH and I had some really bad arguments before surgery - we only had 10 days being told I needed a hysterectomy and being in the OR - and so all was pretty compressed. Would your DH read Mister HisterSisters if you printed it???

This surgery is not comparable to other surgeries, I am here to tell you. From what I understand, the only surgery more major is open heart surgery. He does need to be realistic about your recovery - you only get one chance to heal right. You will be utterly exhausted, and will need time to rest, rest, rest. Taking a shower and getting to the couch will be an accomplishment. This is no time to be super woman - it is not a race - this is a marathon.

in there. Your DH is just showing he loves you, and is worried about you.

Men are a whole different species! They handle things much differently. Like you said, he needs to have a project. Men like to do things and solve problems and sometimes feel out of control if they can't fix it. Just be honest with him. Tell him what you need. If you need a hug, tell him. He can fix that.

How do you feel about finding a video on you tube about your type of hyst and watching it with your hubby? Maybe seeing exactly what your body is going to go through will help him understand. What about the online version of the hysterectomy brochure from the site? I don't remember everything in it but it's pretty straight forward.

I'm sure he is concerned for you, maybe even scared. Facing something like this can make you re-examine your life and priorities. Makes you look at life a new way. I decided life was too short for boring socks about the time I scheduled my surgery. This was big for me as I was one that always had to match. I wore my pink Las Vegas Princess socks in to surgery, and I wear my green Alaska moose socks with my purple sweater.

As for mom and sis, you can frame it as taking shifts so that no one has to put everything on hold for weeks while you are recovering. It will give all of you a chance to do things outside the house (well not you for a while) and keep you and hubs from spending too much time together. I love my husband and he is the best, but I actually look forward to him going to work so we have a break. Maybe have mom and sis come 2 or 3 days a week so he can go hunting or fishing or equally manly.

Make another list of questions to ask for your next appointment or make another appointment with the surgeon. Ask about recovery and discharge instructions. My instructions said only one trip on stairs a day for the first week and no exercise until 4 weeks or until released by MD. Every person and doctor are different.

Good luck in helping him through this. You'll need to lean on each other for a few weeks. The anxiety of waiting is horrible and it may get worse for him before it gets better.

My DH can be very like yours in the manly attitude, and the freak outs. I expected him to freak out more than he has.

There are things I don't tell my husband too, as I know he isn't ready to handle it. With my pre-op blood tests, I received notification that my liver enzymes were a little high - and was requested to come and retest in two months.

I made the appointment, and will flat out lie to him that it was a regular post-op test. If there is anything that comes up then I will be telling him it was related to the surgery. I know he can NOT handle anything more right now.

I have learned that my DH is very dependent on me. I figured a way to get help and that is to put it as "my mom needs to feel like she is there for me" rather than that he needs assistance. Of course at one point my husband thought my mom (who lives across town and is retired) would need to sleep over at our house, but I disabused him of that notion.

Just like your employer, you can hopefully help your husband by simply saying "if the doctor releases me to get back to work, I will go. But the dr. won't release me until I am ready." This puts the spotlight on the doctor and the doctor's orders - not on you and how you feel. Then he can excuse himself from being mad at you.

Don't forget through all this that YOU are the princess. There may come a point where you just have to say "Because I said so and I am the princess and please just shut up now and take it."

Good luck to you on your surgery and recovery!

Thanks, Ladies, I really appreciate all of the support!

Jubees: The reason I have kept DH “in the dark” is because had he known about my fibroids at the beginning, he would have insisted that I do something about them then (even though the first one was initially quite small). He’s not much of a “wait and see” kind of guy.

Marestail: DH and I have been arguing a TON. Unfortunately, even though he complains about me not keeping him informed, I don’t think he really wants to know. I have printed out a lot information from the “checkpoints.” But, when I get out the papers, he finds something else to be involved in. I am guessing that he won’t believe how “major” it is until he sees my actual condition after the surgery.

GiGi501: As I mentioned to marestail, I don’t think he wants to know. He just wants to complain about something. So, no … he probably won’t watch a video.

Mj69catz: You sound just like me regarding the deception. My DH also assumed my mother would be sleeping over. And, I was puzzled because she lives only 30 miles away. Sometimes she comes over just for lunch. Putting the spotlight on the Dr. is a good idea. I will mention this at my pre-op on Thursday.

Once again, thanks to everyone for their input. I don’t feel quite so alone. I do have quite a bit of support from other women (my dance teacher, my neighbor, my girlfriends).

It is getting to the point where I am almost ready to say:

You realize that this is about ME, right!?!

ncs

some ladies have printed out the MisterHysterSisters information and left pages in various locations known to be their DH's hang-out (favorite chair, bathroom, work bench, etc.) That way they could peruse or not peruse but the information was there.

Is he good at cooking? have him help you start freezing some meals, another thing he could 'do'

Thanks, tauruslady. Those are good ideas.