Seriously?!?!?! What is DH thinking???

I'm so furious! DH called yesterday from work (keep in mind that he just started this job 2 weeks ago). He got a call about going on another interview in another state the 2 days prior to my surgery! AND HE'S GOING! He couldn't take more than his normal two days off for me after my surgery, but he will take the two days before to go on an interview. When he called to tell me about it, I told him to do what he had to do. When we first got married, he wanted to move and I didn't. He didn't let it drop for the first 10 years of our marriage that I held him back from advancing his career. So, I vowed never to get between him and his "dreams" again. So, he'll be gone on the 17th and 18th and I have surgery on the 19th. Which means I'm stressed and I'll have to deal with three kids on my own (bedtime around here is a nightmare). Plus, he doesn't think he'll get in till about midnight so I get to be up half the night worrying about whether he makes it home safely or not.

I alternate between being irate and very hurt. How could he do this to me? HELLO!!! I'm having major surgery here!!!! I love the man to death and he is normally not like this. But when it comes to his career, he has tunnel vision and I'm just not anywhere near the tunnel!

Maybe I'm out of line here, but wouldn't a prospective employer wait to do an interview if told that the man's wife was having surgery the next day? I mean, they are giving him a week's notice and they want him to fly in to meet with two men, one from New York and one from overseas. These other two men haven't made flight arrangements yet because they want to coordinate their flights with DH.

I think that boy needs a serious smack upside the head!

Thanks for letting me rant. I could just cry.

Pam

I'm sorry DH isn't being thoughtful to your feelings. I sometimes think that men have NO clue! My hubby has said a few insensitive remarks since the surgery ..like when I told him to stop yelling b/c he was stressing me out and his remark was.."why are you being so sensitive". :O I wonder if your hubby truly thinks b/c it's not the day OF the surgery..that it's ok. I know my hubby probably would too. As long as it's not the day of he is probably thinking it'll be fine. When I told my hubby I was nervous the day before his reply was "what is there to be nervous about, he's been doing these surgeries for years and you don't have a choice so...". :P Keep posting here to vent and hopefully we can help you along. I know how stressful bedtime can be ....and when there's stress in the air the family feeds off of it and goes crazy too. Good luck! I hope he at least tries to make this up to you!

My DH essentially abandoned me when the news came in that I needed surgery, and even the days before it occurred. He found he had to help his (albeit elderly) mother at her house, had to do this, had to do that, had to work on our very old house renovation. It was his way of coping. I even knew that at the time, but it didn't erase the hurt.

He was home, and he knew (I had made him promise) that he couldn't do anything that would endanger his life (our house is 3 stories high, and he wanted the eaves painted suddenly!), because endangering his life would endanger me and my surgery and recovery.

Taking a plane is quite another matter. Ask him to make sure he has someone in the wings to assist you, if he should not make it home in time to work with you. And if you have kids, ask him to find someone among your mutual friends who will help you take care of them while he's gone. My suggestion merely -- but this is his doing; if he wants to go away at this time, he needs to make sure all the bases are covered: the kids need care, you need someone to call if an emergency occurs, and you need someone to call if he isn't home in time to help you to and from the castle.

I'm sorry this has happened. Many of us, though, got abandoned in one way or another just when we needed DH most. I had to give mine a complete talking to, polite and kindly phrased, but quite complete, too, before he got it. Post-surgery, when he started abandoning me again, I was not so thoughtful and kind and said things I regret, but gee, how could he not get it, yet again?

Best wishes to you.

Pam-I hear you. I really just don't think they get it. I discovered this last week, after sending my husband a long email that was very direct about how he had hurt me by going back to work early. He came home and sat down in front of me and was super remorseful. He said, "I'm working on a $500,000 account but I will do whatever you need me to do."
To men, work is equivilent of taking care of their families. They don't see a line. At a moment a time, you want someone to read your youngest a bedtime story and your DH wants to pay for college. I dont think it's a matter of them not caring about us, they just don't view things the same way. As far as your actual 2 days before surgery, I'm sorry. I know you are going to have a tough time not feeling stressed and resentful, but if you can't change the situation the best thing you can do for yourself is to try to see a silver lining. Granted, all of this is coming from a girl who one week ago wanted to tell her husband never to come home! I know it's easier said than done. I'm just trying to think of what is best for your emotional and physical heath and well being. As for being up half the night the night before surgery...that's going to happen anyway...oops! Best of luck to you!!!

Pam, Like all the other sisters I can sympathize. I don't the DHs think before they open their mouths. When I told my DH that I was going to have surgery and why, he told me "everything will be ok". (Thank fully he was right) however I need consoling (*sp).
Two days before he tells me he wants to take me out to dinner. The night before, I thought how sweet. Was too good to be true. The day before I called him at work to reconfirm after my pre-op appt. and he said that he was going to stay and work a bit more. Bottom line I took my kids to dinner. He said later that he would take me out to dinner on thurs or fri. (surgery was weds.). I bet I looked at him like he had 5 heads. Then I got a little graphic aoubt the procedure I was about to have LAVH/RSO. Men......
He'll realize when he sees the women he loves, in the hospital and reality sets in that by your side is where he should be and should have been the day before. If for nothing other than moral support.
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers for and uneventful surgery and speedy recovery.

Hi Pam -- My DH will likely do something like that too! As others have said, he probably figures being home the day OF should be fine. I think most of these men have never had surgery so don't get that part of it. Of course they can't begin to comprehend what WE go through just being women!!!
Is there anyway you could get someone to help with the kids? Maybe have someone take them out to eat and/or movie the night before so you can have a relaxing bath or ?? Even a teenager to take them to the park for an hour would give you a much-needed break.

Husbands really do not have a clue. So sorry about your DH. I love my husband to death as well, but they just don't get it. I glared at my husband when he talked about going hunting. He wants to go when I am at my 4 weeks post op. HELLO, STILL CAN'T DRIVE AND WE HAVE A TEENAGER THAT NEEDS TAKEN CARE OF. Clueless, clueless men.

All I can offer is a hug and to let you know you are not the only one dealing with clueless hubby.

Hello, Pam!

Your husband just started a new job 2 weeks ago, yet he is already looking for another one. This indicates he feels unhappy or insecure in his current job. Most men feel that providing for their families is their main responsibility. It could be that your husband feels the need to make sure he has a good job situation lined up BEFORE your surgery. He would rather be gone before than after your surgery because he feels you will need him more afterwards. Even if he's only planning to take 2 days off afterwards, he will still be in town if/when you need him.

It's unfortunate that the interview has to be right before the surgery date, but maybe because of his job situation, it was the only time he could get away. I can understand why the timing would worry you. Most any woman would feel the same. But not most men! They seem to be blessed with less worrying and anxiety than women and often simply can't understand why we worry so much. That's the case with me and my husband, anyway. Of course, men do have some major worries that we often aren't even aware of (usually dealing with their jobs) because they tend to keep their worries inside.

Especially since you told your husband to go ahead and do what he had to do, then he must feel the timing is OK with you. He knows you'd prefer a better time but he also knows that in the long run, more than that, you want him to have a good job (and he thinks that this interview might help in that regard). He might be hoping to surprise you right before your surgery with a great new job offer!

You said he's normally a good husband so I'd trust his good intentions on this. I'll bet in his mind, he's doing this out of love for you and his family. But if you truly can't cope with his being out of town the 2 days before your surgery, then I think you should be very upfront about it with him. (I don't think it's fair to tell him it's OK, but then to resent him for it. At least he was considerate enough to give you the chance to give your input before he set the interview date.) But you also must be willing to accept the consequences. If he delayed the interview until after your sugery (after a certain amount of recovery time--a couple of weeks?), then it's possible that could nix the job for him. He seems to think time is of the essence and maybe it is--a delay might mean the job goes to someone else.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm on your husband's side. Actually I can relate to your side just as much, but I really think he's doing what he thinks is best. I was crazy-nervous before my hysterectomy so I understand what's that's like.

I hope all works out great for both of you--with your surgery and with his job interview!

Your definitely not alone with this type of thing. I think DH feel they are helping us most by being providers for us, as this goes back to cave man days. I believe they truely love us and do care, but being nurturing caregivers does not come natural for some. I know mine isn't that way. He likes to be busy doing something physical and of course his job is important to him and our livelyhood.

Here is a link from our Pre-op articles that may help some:

https://www.hystersisters.com/vb2/article_195535.htm

I would be sure you have help from family/friends in case DH is not able to get back in time.

s

Hi Arizona2001,

I am sorry your dh is being this way. I must be one of the lucky ones. My dh has been great and very supportive. He actually tells me I better do as I'm told as to not hurt myself and end up a longer recovery. When I got the call about my endo-biopsy about my precancer situation, I called him at work and he came immediately home to be with me. He happened to be in the office that particular week, but normally he travels with his job. He just told his boss he has to be kept locally and have a few days off to help me. So I am very fortunate with my dh...you girls talking this subject really made me see how lucky I am. Thanks for reminding me of that. i will give him an extra big hug tonight.
Maybe you can have someone help with the kids. I just am sorry you and the others here who replied do not get the support. You can come here and your sisters will be here to listen to you vent.
Everything will work out ok. I wish you the best with your surgery.
Hugs