Sad about loss (babies mentioned)

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Originally Posted by dolphin1173 We had talked about it so seriously that we already had a name picked out... now it seems silly that we did that. Maybe when my boys grow up and have a little girl they will like the name and I can have a granddaugher instead by the name "Jasmine Cheyenne" I don't really know what possessed us to go so far as to picking out a name... we truly thought it was in our future I s'pose. So I know how you feel about wondering what she would've looked like, sounded like, etc to everyone missing out and wondering about all the "what ifs" of life... I know it's not easy, but I KNOW we will ALL make it through this.... day by day

I think ... its how we dream and plan for the future. Our little girl would have been "Samantha Jordan" ... Sam for short. I even know what I wanted to purchase for her nursery.

It sounds insane ... especially considering dh had a V. We were done. I was an extremely high-risk pregnancy. The last one almost killed me, the next one surely would. But that didn't stop me from dreaming, from wanting! from needing?

I don't know why this is so hard? How can I grieve over something that I never wasn't a possibility? I was fine with that but now ....

And I do feel different. I don't want to. I try to deny it. I have even tried to see it in the mirror. But the fact is that I no longer feel whole. I no longer feel like me but rather feel like I am drifting ... trying to figure out who I am in the middle of the chaos surrounding me, demanding me to be who I was. How can I be who I was when I am no longer who I am? When all of this is done, am I going to be a hollow shell that once was a woman but who grieves for the children I never will have?

Will I ever be able to rejoice over the birth of a new child to someone else? To attend a baby shower? To rejoice with the news of pregnancy? Sure ... I pretend to now. But then off I go to hide. To cry and grieve on my own.

This time reminds me of when I was pregnant. Do you remember once you found out ... you seemed to see all the others who were pregnant around you when before you didn't? You also seem to see all the newborn babies. Well... that's what its been like here for me. All the babyshowers and new babies. Friends pregnant. I even took the babysitter out for icecream before I dropped her off the other night (with dh and the boys of course) .... I saw 7 pregnant women!! Why?? Why can't they all just go away for a little while??

Echo --

I am so sorry for all that you have gone through and all that you are dealing wiht. I wish there were some wise words of comfort that I could give to you but there isn't. So instead ... know that I am praying for you and sending you lots of big s

It does seem like everyone around me is pregnant all of a sudden too!

On of my co-workers found out she was expecting shortly before my surgery... she had just been telling me about how she never wanted more than the one she had already... anyhow, after I told her about my surgery.... she had the nerve to tell me "you can babysit anytime you want, that'll make it all better" ARRRRGGGG

Sorry... had to vent for a second.... just another example of how others (others being those who've not had the unfortunate event of a hyster) just don't "get it"

okay.... I'm getting off the soapbox now

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Originally Posted by dolphin1173 It does seem like everyone around me is pregnant all of a sudden too! On of my co-workers found out she was expecting shortly before my surgery... she had just been telling me about how she never wanted more than the one she had already... anyhow, after I told her about my surgery.... she had the nerve to tell me "you can babysit anytime you want, that'll make it all better" ARRRRGGGG Sorry... had to vent for a second.... just another example of how others (others being those who've not had the unfortunate event of a hyster) just don't "get it" okay.... I'm getting off the soapbox now

My closest friend said a similar thing as well. She wants me in the delivery room with her. I just don't think I can. Its not until Dec but still.... I don't know! Its so hard. She never wanted this baby. Thought about giving it up or ending the pregnancy and here I sit wanting one but never able to have one. AND now I am suppose to be happy and supportive. UGH!!!

dolphin, I have never had a hubby or spouse, but I had my daughter's name picked out. Faith Grace. So when I started off with two fibroids i named them Faith and Grace. then when there were seven, I named the rest the Von Trapps.

Now Faith and Grace are gone -- no matter which context you use!

I named my alien (the fibroid) "Florence" cause when she flared up... "Aunt Flo" hit with a vengence! LOL

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Originally Posted by lalawoman dolphin, I have never had a hubby or spouse, but I had my daughter's name picked out. Faith Grace. So when I started off with two fibroids i named them Faith and Grace. then when there were seven, I named the rest the Von Trapps. Now Faith and Grace are gone -- no matter which context you use!

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Originally Posted by Ellie77 It hasn't really hit me until the past few weeks-- been a little distracted with a very long recovery and pummeled with pain killers-- but I feel it now. I just keep praying that I'll be able to feel my worth even though I can't bear children any more. I have three beautiful boys (7 months, 5 and 7 yr old), and I know so many women who can't have any. I have always believed that those women were every bit as valuable as anyone else, but now that it's personal, I just feel so sad I don't have more to offer..... my husband is wonderful about it and is trying to reassure me, but I just feel so sad... I am not comforted when ladies respond to this by saying "WELL YOU CAN ALWAYS ADOPT." They're missing the point, and I don't think it's worthwhile to try to enlighten them...I can't hold it against them that their lives haven't taught them the same things that mine has. In the community I live in, every corner you turn you see families and pregnant ladies.....ahhh.. not that I ever wanted to be pregnant again...I was done anyway. But the choice being gone, the feminine parts being gone-- I question what makes me a complete woman now....I feel so altered, and it bothers me because after surgery, I had a peace come over me-- "I'm the same person....I am still me....I will be OK." Where did that go? Does it help when recovery is more complete and you can do more things? I worked through as much of these emotions preop as I could but that doesn't cover the actual time period of the loss. Any helps will be much appreciated. Ellie

Ellie - I went through the exact same emotions when I was about as long as you in recovery. Like you, I was blessed with 2 children early in marriage, and I definitely never planned to be pregnant again. I had peace before the surgery that I would be the same person, and was doing what was best for me. However, when I hit a really rough emotional patch at about 4 weeks, I just cried and cried one night at a commerical with babies in it because I realized that even though we didn't plan any more children, it wasn't even a choice anymore. There would never be the "surprise," and like you, I just felt altered inside and like I was empty space now. I can just tell you my experience that as I recovered along and was able to get back into life and spend time again with my kids, the feelings of loss lessened and it really taught me to appreciate what I have in my DH and family. Looking back, the best thing I did was to just mourn the loss, and let time do its thing. I still get a twinge sometimes when I have friends who are pregnant, or I have to sit in my dr. office surrounded by pregnant patients, but I just go home and hug my 2 even tighter and thank God for what he did give me.

Now recovering from having a BSO, I"m struggling again feeling like I was invaded, and to not to feel like some little old lady having hot flashes and hormone issues at 31....heheheh can't win for loosing, eh!

To all you who did plan on having more, my heart and thoughts go out to you. Lots of

Jen

Lala and hopeforpeace, thanks for your words. It's hard to admit my mistake but your kind words are like a gentle, loving balm soothing a wound. Yes, shame on my parents because kids are a blessing and there are good kids (who become doctors and nurses and others) who help people and make this a better world.

This is a great place to come clean and admit things and know that none of us are alone!

You know it just occurred to me that I am lucky my co-workers are so clueless. When i go back to work, if someone were actually kind and thoguhtful to me, I would totally lose it and bawl like a baby.

As it is I shall be strong like bull!! (sorry! no bull icon either -- what were they thinking!)
lala

(hugs to you echo!)

I actually went to my great nephews baptism today. I was hard but I realize that they have the right to be happy and blessed in this way. So I made it through it and even held beautiful little Zachary without crying. Thats a big accomplishment right now considering yesterday I hit an emotional low. In some ways it was a little therapy for me and I find it hard to believe but true. Maybe its because my nephew is dear to me and a wonderful father. I will cry when I hit my pillow tonight but for now Ill just try and be happy for them.
My DH are the youngest in both our families so we have a lot of older nieces and nephews and right now 3 are expecting and I do find that very hard. My DH's niece told me at 2wks post op and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt bad to feel that way. We just have to take each day as it comes and hope for little triumphs like I had today. After all it is none of these peoples fault that we are where we are.

P.S. Lala is that really a pink elephant?
See I told you I would try to be more positive today. Although I did over do it with being gone to long. I have major swelly belly, pain, and a wicked headache - but hope that maybe being exhausted will let me actually get some SLEEP tonight! SHHHH that S-word really is a bad word.

HUGS & COMFORT TO ALL

Echo glad we could help a little. Thats what us sisters are for!!