So terribly lost now

TAH/BSO 47 years old last May. Single but bf. No support at the time, none with sexuality, returned to work September, bad thoracic back pain, lasted 3 shifts. 3 spinal procedures since. No money so losing house, no company except about 72 hours since November last year as bf useless and no family. My work is my people factor, without it I just don't have people. I have managed and not complained once but it has not been easy especially with surgical meno as well.
Today, saw my GP who normally I can count on, today he really upset me and I feel I have nowhere to turn and am just in floods of tears. My back...and I was supposed to be ok after the hyster and just get on with things and I can't!
So no money in this house since last May, the bloody Doctor today said Oh now you've spent all your money? Well hell who does he thinks supports me? I do, he knows that! I used my Super to pay for looking after myself all this time. Like I am out of my mind with no-one to talk with at all, no lover, no sex, no understanding, no compassion, no work, no health and now not even his respect. I am really mad with him for being critical of me at this time and it just feels like way too much. Sorry for whinging, but I am beside myself with pain worry and loneliness on top of bad sleep sweats changed body image nightmares.....my management tools have been hoping for improvement, exercise, keeping the house ok, eating right and lots of books and movies, how dare he now put me down.

How Dare they is correct... Men and many women just plain don't understand. We are here for you, Night and Day, and please trust that you are not alone. I feel very empathetic regarding your flood of troubles.
Wishing you the best,
CA

Dear Mountainwoman2,

I agree too with CA Girl 2008 - how dare he. It's none of his business, he's being flippant and totally doesn't get it. Of course, he's probably never had to suffer so he can't put himself in your place. Lots of people can't. They just don't think well beyond themselves. My doctor totally lost me when she said 'train your brain to relax' because intercourse is very painful for me. I'm not to come back to her unless I have 'problems'.

I almost always lookup threads where you have posted. You give good, genuine responses that I have totally respected. I want you to know you have helped me over the past few months with your insights, thank you.

When I read about you, I can totally relate in alot of ways. I am 47 having the TAH/BSO, with a DH who just doesn't get it. Intercourse is miserable for me, not him. I'm currently unemployed and with depression/anxiety, having a hard time finding the will to work. Took a huge hit with 'scam artists' my DH got into and now finances are the pits. Lost almost everything we've worked hard for the past 25 years. Also, getting those bad night sweats.

I see a therapist who has been a godsend. Helps keep my mind kind of in order. He says 'do your best, everything will be okay'. So far he's right. I see you have a good list of management tools. You need to pat yourself on the back for having them and using them. My therapist only asks that I breathe and meditate. I fight doing that on a daily basis.

You sound like a very strong woman. I applaud you. I've seen where you have recommended changing doctors if they are an issue. If your GP continues to be idiotic, you may have to think about it too. I'd give him one more chance, only if you feel like it.

Keep us posted.

Take good care.

I am so sorry for all you are going through. You wouldn't happen to live in NC would you? I was thinking if you lived near me, I could definitely be some support for you in person. If not, we all certainly will support you as much as possible from here. I can't believe your dr, or your BF. I'm totally appauled. Please keep hanging on and come to us anytime.

Being 8 days post op I'm no help. Except to say I just prayed for you. I can tell you are a huge help to women here, you need to pat yourself on the back for the good you've done. One day at a time!

Take care!

wow. you are so much more than you are thinking of yourself right now. you amaze me. you have so much strength and i get the feeling that you don't even realize it!!! the passion you have for life, even an unhappy and painful one, is fabulous!!! the only thing that worries me is that you see life as a "fight" ... when there are people and places that can really help you.

of course we are here, but that doesn't give you that total "feel", human touch and caring. i suggested this in another thread... churches and women's groups. do some research, contact churches near-by. i'm sure that help is out there, you just have to reach out and find it. you are SOOOOOO strong, you can DO THIS!

you don't have to be a part of a church, or even religious, to reach out for help. i'm a prime example of that. religion doesn't belong in here, but i'm just trying to show an example.... i don't attend church, but grew up in church as my grandfather was a preacher. i hit hard times after a divorce almost 9yrs ago and had to move in with my parents and 3 kids. i worked part-time at a local gas station and attended college full time. at work, i got to know the local's and a preacher from our area. he knew my story and offered to help. i was reluctant because i didn't belong to his church and didn't want to feel as though i was taking advantage. he insisted. he also said that there are people that want to help others no matter what. if its just support emotionally, even physically... there are people out there that will help.

hope i didn't offend anyone with that story, but i will always be thankful.

stay strong

An awesome success story. I feel helpless with nothing to offer but on-line general suppport. You have first hand experience. Thank you for sharing. I also very much respect her posts. It pains me to see good people suffer...

Your doctor was out of line.

It is particularly painful when someone you have trusted to help you does something that you feel is almost a betrayal.

About 4 years ago, I went through a very difficult period. You know how there are 10 big "stressors"? I had 8 of them. Circumstances seemed to just conspire against me...circumstances that I couldn't control, issues that had no solutions, pains that I knew I'd have to live with for the rest of my life. None of my usual tools were working. So I spent a bloody fortune on biofeedback, naturalists and the like. I saw a therapist who tried to get me to go to his church. I saw a psychiatrist who told me to treat my issues like a job, ie, stop worrying about them after 5:00. They were all useless. But one person who seemed to help was a hypnotherapist. He happened to be a religious man, and one evening, I said something to the effect that it felt like circumstances were conspiring against me (and it was a very difficult thing for me to say), and he sat there and chastised me for feeling that way! My husband happened to be sitting there with us, and I could hear him bristle. I was horrified, and I walked out and never returned. I was just thunderstruck, so I think I can well imagine how you must have felt when your GP said the same type thing to you.

Chronic pain is destabilizing. Constant worry about money is just as damaging. Surgical menopause on top of all of that is enough to send you to Oak Haven. I'm not surprised you are in such a state. I recognize the feelings.

The coping mechanisms you listed are good ones; keep ahold of them and they will continue to help you. They are the same mechanisms that I use; they are generally helpful, but sometimes nothing seems to help. There is one other thing I do...I volunteer twice a month at our local hospital. I keeps me from turning into a complete hermit. I am not a "people person", so volunteering REALLY gets me out of my comfort zone; it is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it forces me to stop thinking about myself so much, and that's a GOOD thing!

Ultimately, what your GP said to you is irrelevant. His opinion doesn't matter. He does not live your life or see you 24 hours a day. What he sees are just snapshots of what you are feeling on those particular 10 minute timeslots in his office. He has taken those snapshots and has mistakenly cobbled them into what he is assuming is an all-encompassing collage of who he thinks you are. You say that he doesn't respect you...the irony is that you no longer respect him, either, and respect is a cornerstone of the medical profession. He has lost more than you know by speaking as he did to you.

Taken together, your issues are overwhelming. I suggest tackling them one by one.

First, get a new doctor. You need to be relieved of your physical pain so that you can better direct your energies to other things in your life. I don't know how easy this will be, but it is imperative.

Second, would you consider HRT to control your menopausal symptoms? Are the symptoms badly disrupting your life, or do you think you can control them well enough without hormones?

As for money issues, I wish I had an answer to that one. Lots of us have financial problems these days, and so far, there seems to be few solutions. Can you speak to someone for financial advice?

I'm sure you know that you have a lot of sisters who are right behind you. Cyberspace is crowded!! Use us because that's what we are here for...unconditional support.

Oh, mountainwoman2

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time right now. You've gotten some good advice from other sisters here already. Sometimes, it's just so hard, when everything seems to pile up and everything even bigger and worse than it is. Sometimes, we just need to break down and have a , and I'm glad you felt this was a place you could come and do that.

Try to tackle these things one at a time, maybe starting with finding a doctor who will really listen to you respectfully. The right doctor can help you figure out what to do to help yourself cope better with all the rest.

Meanwhile, we'll all be here to encourage you and let you vent. I'm sending you a huge :cybhug: from myself, and we're all together in sending you a

Hang in there, mountainwoman. We're all here with you.

How I wish I was just down the road and could pop round and give you a big hug, but a Cyberhug will just have to do.

I remember at college I was struggling with an assignment and my lecturer took me aside and said the most ridiculous thing to me - How do you eat an elephant? I looked at him as though he was completely mad! So he repeated himself and said think about it. So I thought about it and realised that you can't eat a whole elephant in one go, you have to do it bit by bit. Many times since then, when the world is crashing down around my ears, I have thought of his words. The answer to getting things back on track is to tackle one bit at a time.

So write down everything you need to get sorted (sometimes it helps to see it on paper), split that in to 2 lists, one you can do something about quickly & the other things that are out of reach (for now) or will take longer to resolve. Then pick one thing off the first list and try to tackle it. And then move on from there.

I didn't want to go down the HRT route but hot flashes 24/7 meant that I was exhausted, had severe brain fog, wasn't sleeping and just couldn't function so after discussions with my Dr and some tweeking I am now on 2mg of estrogen daily and I feel so much better. Maybe this could help you?

I love English Lavender's suggestion of volunteering, it could get you a whole new circle of friends.

Just remember we are all here for you, we have appreciated your support many times and are grateful for the opportunity to give something back to you. You are a very strong and thoughtful person who deserves so much better than you are currently getting.

Sending you much love and many hugs