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Terrible Day! - sensitive content Terrible Day! - sensitive content

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Unread 08-11-2005, 04:06 AM
Terrible Day! - sensitive content

I will warn you now, there is sensitive content, and I need to vent!
All things post op are going well, LAVH March 30/05, but if anyone can understand what I am going through now, I thought it would be here!
Almost 2 years ago I suffered a miscarriage. I went through it all alone because I didn't want my family and friends to know and feel sorry for me, I was also at the time in an abusive marriage. I did tell my family after everything had happened. Today I learned that my sister, who has been my best friend for years, has just suffered a miscarriage herself. I didn't find out because she told me, rather because of 6 terrible emails I received from her, shredding me up and down making accusations that I did not go through this, that it was all fabricated, and I can not dare say I understand what she is going through. Well for starters I didn't say that, no one had told me what she was going through for me to say "I understand" which I wouldn't have said anyway! It's different for everyone, and her loss isn't at all related to mine and has nothing to do with it! I am shocked at the horrible things she said about me, told me how evil I am to make up something like this, because she didn't know while it was occuring, it must not be true! And then she turns around and says that I "brought it up at such an evil time" - the way I learned of her loss was an email that not only did not say "here's what I am going through", but attacked me instead talking about my "alleged loss" and how I "didn't even know" and into awful details about how I don't "know what it is like to know your pregnant, to lose, to find, and have dr tell you there is nothing they can do" as a matter of fact I spent 4 weeks in and out of the hospital getting IV and blood clotters, 12 weeks in you know! She even disputes it because "she couldn't tell, and you can't hide it that long!" Really, my daughter wasn't even a bump until 6 months! I am in disbelief that for nearly 2 years she has never said anything about this, lied to me, and now instead of just telling me what is going on and that she doesn't want to talk at all yet because I can't imagine what she is feeling right now, she goes into a full assualt against me, she'd rather feel anger and hatred than the pain and it gets directed at me! To do it so soon after my surgery too, when she knows, I don't get any more chances, I am 22 and to know beyond 100% certainty that there will not even ever be an "oops" baby, she can't imagine what that feels like, fortunately I have a beautiful healthy little girl who is almost 3, but I also have this terrible loss, that she can not imagine! I am tired of hearing her glamourize the whole Hysterectomy experience! So many times she's said how "lucky" I am and asked how come I "got to have one" and how badly she wishes she could "get one" Like it's a facelift or something! She even sat with a friend and discussed how lucky I am! Yah I guess I am lcuky that I no longer have to worry about the cervical cancer, I am lucky that I don't have to spend 2-3 weeks of each month trapped at home because of the severe bleeding and pain, yah I am lucky that I don't have to worry about hospitilization because of the blood loss anymore, yah I am lucky that my problems were discovered early enough, heck, I am lucky to be alive! Lucky to have gone through all of this, no way. It's not real to her because she can't fathom what that it like, all she sees is, "no more periods, no more pms, sign me up!"
Well if you made it this far, let me appoligize, sorry ladies. I just know that if there is anyone, anywhere that can have any bit of understanding on this one, I can find them here! I just don't know what to do, at this point now she has emailed that she never wants to talk to me again because I am such a "disgusting and evil person to do something like this" I'd say the same for her, but unfortunately I do know all too well what she is going through. Sorry again girls, I am just torn to bits over this!
The fact that it is 5:30 in the morning should speak volumes!
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Unread 08-11-2005, 04:29 AM
Terrible Day! - sensitive content

i can't say that i know how you feel, but i am really sorry for your loss. i used to think that my sister was my best friend also and she has been really terrible since i've had my surgery. saying things like oh don't you miss hearing that sound (she has a 3 month old,plus 3 older kids) and i bet you wish you had had another one before you had to have surgery. it hurts especially since she is supposed to be th one who is most supportive. and you know what hurts more and i am sure that you have heard this also. well at leat you have had a child, what would happen if you didn't. my in-laws try using this all the time. i think they are just now trying to justify why we got married at such a young age. i am 29 now, and had my surgery just 2 weeks ago, i am having a hard time also, crying constantly. if you ever want to chat by all mean contact me.
Unread 08-11-2005, 04:54 AM
Terrible Day! - sensitive content

What is it with family when you need them most? My brother told me I am now nothing to him and we were never friends and I am not to speak to him ever again after a misunderstanding. I sent him an invitation to my daughters communion via SMS as this is the only way to contact him. It turns out he has a new number and did not tell me - I am not a mind reader! When I called him to clear it up he sent me a message saying he has no interest in me or my family and then called me to deliver the rest of the abuse....

My grandma says sometimes it is those we love the most we feel we can hurt the most as they will love us no matter what. I am not sure she is right, but it can be a comforting thought.

Lee, I am sure you are a good person and did not deserve any of this. My heart goes out to you as I know how it feels to have family dump on you. As for myself, I have decided to rise above it and not let it get to me. One day my brother will need something from me and I will have to carefully consider how to react. In the meantime I have family and friends who love me dearly.

Keep your chin up.

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Unread 08-11-2005, 05:28 AM
Terrible Day! - sensitive content

You're sister is being very immature and unsupportive and just plain mean. I'm sorry for that. I suspect though, that she may be having problems coping with losing the baby and probably fear of not having one. She shouldn't take it out on you, but you know the saying 'you only hurt the ones you love." i'M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS TOO.

I just turned 29 when I had my TVH last year. Some of my friends talked about it like your sister does.The truth is, they aren't mature enough to understand. You're only 22, so I bet that's what's happening with your sister and friends too.

I don't know a fix for then problem except to grow thick skin and ignore it. I know that's easier said than done, but until they come around, you can't make a person change. We're all here for you. Good luck.

Unread 08-11-2005, 06:22 AM
Terrible Day! - sensitive content

I do know what this is like.... treatment like this. My heart sure goes out to you at this time. You are so young and I thought I was too young to be going through this kind of surgery at 39. I have been married 21 years and we have two teen boys. I had a tubal the night after the second boy was born because of health reasons, but when they were just entering school, I had a late period. Never was late- only when pregnant. The day before my OB workup to make sure of pregnancy, I was on the floor in pain and ended up in the bathroom in total panic flushing whatever had come out. The next day at the Dr, it was pretty clear it was probably a miscarraige. I spent a full week crying because of an unexpected pregnancy, then months after that because I lost it. I told virtually noone outside DH and a very few close people. So two years later, it came up and I told my MIL while she was out visiting. She was shocked over that. But not angry, just sad for me to have gone through that.
She, and many others who have helped me with this past summer and right now going through this awful time in my life..... I don't think any woman really cares to give up her FERTILITY. Just the PROBLEMS. Well, it really hurts- physically and emotionally. Noone knew all I have gone through in my life and those who care not to stick by me, I don't wish badly for them. Just pray that they never have to experience something like it and end up in total need.
I thank God every day for my DH and my sons. I know I have done a good job being a wife and mother to them when they have turned around to take such wonderful care of me. I know I am doing what pleases the Lord and that is all you have to worry about.
Take time to greive because you need it. NOONE but the Lord knows what YOU have been through- not even my DH knows how deeply this is causing me hurt. He knows it does, but also knows he cannot fully understand it because he has not been through it himself.
You cannot change others. Nor make them understand. You can only decide how YOU will live. Don't treat hurt with more hurt back. It's a never-ending cycle to get caught in. Take your hurt to Jesus and let Him help you with this and step back for a bit to wait and let things cool. Don't get more upset because that won't help YOU right now either. I know that feeling of bottling it all up. It WILL explode if you don't just deal with it and let it go and let God handle things for you.
Rest and let things take care of themselves for a bit. I have learned that the world CAN wait.
Unread 08-11-2005, 06:53 AM
Terrible Day! - sensitive content

Dear Lee
I would also like to suggest to take a step back, be still, give it some time, meditate on God. Also pray for her and ask God for understanding in the matter. Her hormones are probably all over the place right now and she's irrational. Look for an older woman of faith to talk to.
Unread 08-11-2005, 07:00 AM
Terrible Day! - sensitive content

...let's hope your sister's hormones are all over the place and she used you to vent some grief, and that when she re-reads the mails she sent you with a clearer head she will apologise. Maybe having gone through her own miscarriage she feels angered that you 'shut her out' at a time when she could have been there for you, given the chance.

I went through years of problems when my Dad remarried a very odd woman. But through it all I stayed calm when communicating with them and never let myself be goaded into saying anything I'd regret, in the hope that my Dad would want a relationship with me again one day... I'm happy to say that 15 years on, we've just about got that - so it was worth me shutting up and putting up. Gosh, I've rambled on about me a bit there, but what i wanted to say was - try and ignore all the hurt she's sending your way - look upon it as a cry for help, and just keep sending the sisterly love back, even if it takes a while for her to accept even the smallest amount of it. Also, what sort of personality does she have under normal circumstances? Is she a bit of a drama queen who likes the limelight - even under such tragic circumstances, and is cross that you deserve as much (if not more) empathy than she does?

- I feel for you that you had to have this surgery so young, and can really relate to the wanting an "oops!-baby" (i was 37 when I had surgery - and felt that I was sure I wouldn't plan another child, but if one had happened along....)

Families eh? Bless 'em ;0)

I hope this situation resolves itself soon for you - meanwhile, take a deep breath, give your beautiful daughter a hug and try and concentrate on the positives.

Take care
Unread 08-11-2005, 07:16 AM
Terrible Day! - sensitive content

I feel so sorry for you and the other sisters that have experienced such hurt, especially from the ones we love. Human emotions go so deep that sometimes we can't even make sense of the way we react. Your sister is taking her anger out on you. Hang in there and pray for yourself and your sister. Keep loving the sister you know she is...
Unread 08-11-2005, 07:47 AM
Terrible Day! - sensitive content

I'd email her back telling her everything,what you went thru, how it hurts when she opens her mouth and says goofy stuff like that, and how much you're bothered that you had to have the hyst. and at the bottom of the email tell her you don't want to talk to her until she grows up.
Unread 08-11-2005, 08:43 AM
Terrible Day! - sensitive content

I can understand you not wanting to talk to people about your experience 2 yrs ago. A miscarriage is painful, heart breaking torture. And truthfully, you don't have to tell anyone you don't want to. The fact that you told your sister at all should make her feel closer to you because that shows trust and confidence in her. Now that she's suffered through a loss like that, instead of being hateful and cruel she should be more understanding.
On one hand you could say she's just lashing out. She's hurting and taking her pain out on you. Doesn't make it right but it does happen. BUT to lash out like she's doing is unbelievable! Personally, I don't know if I would make very easy for her to apologize if/when she ever realizes how bad she has messed up. It's one thing to not believe someone. It's a whole other story when it's taken too far. And she's taken it too far.
On the other hand (and I'm just going on my own experience here) maybe this is a way for her to get more attention. I have a sister in law that does things like this pretty often. When she feels like no one is focusing on her or her problems, here comes the drama. And it's never pretty.
Of course, there's always the possibility that she means the things she's saying to you. As hurtful as that may sound, it could be true.
Regardless of the reason, she's hurt you. Badly. That kind of hurt doesn't just go away over time ~ there's gotta be communication. It's probably too soon to try to figure this out with her. While she's grieving you're tending to your emotional wounds. I would let the dust settle for a while. Who knows, maybe somebody will pop in the back of the head and knock some sense into her. If that happens, it'll be a lot easier to talk this out. But if not, you're probably gonna have to be the strong one and approach her.

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