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I'm just so sad
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08-12-2012, 07:51 PM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 25
Hysterectomy: August 21st, 2012
Surgery Type: DvH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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I'm just so sad
Hi there - I'm new and just wanted to get some input from those who have 'been there, done that.'
I have a 3.5 cm solid growth on my left ovary that seems to be growing rather rapidly. I've also had a series of procedures on my cervix to treat dysplasia, one in 1990 and four more in the last three years. I also have two relatively small uterine fibroids. I'm divorced with one child (age 20) and am currently single.
My doctor and I have decided that removal of my cervix, uterus, left ovary and fallopian tube is the best course of action. If the right ovary appears healthy and if the pathology on the left comes back benign, we plan to leave the remaining ovary in place. I'm scheduled for surgery next week.
Here's the thing: I know this is the right course of action. I'm not in a financial or personal position to have surgery every year to deal with the cervical issues. I'm not willing to risk dying from cancer. In all likelihood, I'd never be able to get pregnant again. Let's face it - I'm not even in a relationship right now. Last I heard, you have to be having sex to get pregnant. Anyway, I know all of these things are true.
Why am I so sad then? I do a good job of putting on the calm, confident, strong exterior to everyone, but in private I'm a mess. I just wanted a fairy tale, I guess, and my life has absolutely no resemblance to a 'happily ever after' ending.
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08-12-2012, 08:00 PM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 2,385
Hysterectomy: June 11th, 2012
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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Re: I'm just so sad
(((hugs))) you are sad because it is the loss of your fertility Hun. I went threw it also and many of the sisters if not all of them will or have went threw it. It is a hard surgery to go threw as well as an emotional one It is so final I am 44 and have 4 children. I know I didn't want anymore children but the thought of not being able to because I would not have my reproductive part caused me a lot of stress. I cried even the day of surgery. It is very normal the way you are feeling. Just take one day at a time hun I am 9 weeks post op and I feel great and I love the no more painful or heavy periods me. Hang in there it will be okay.
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08-12-2012, 08:23 PM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 20
Hysterectomy: August 16th, 2012
Surgery Type: LAVH
Ovaries: Removed both
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Re: I'm just so sad
{{{{{LowLow}}}}}}<--hugs
I had my first endometrial ablation when I was in my late 30s. They did a tubal ligation with the ablation so it was one of those 'can't go back' moments for me. I had some really panicky/sad thoughts about the finality of doing that. I have two children and did not want more - but the thought of doing something so permanent and irreversable really messed with my head for a while.
It is okay to cry...to feel sad...and to doubt yourself. And afterwards to second-guess your decision. Those are all normal and expected feelings.
I do hope that you get to the point of peace with your decision. But until then, here's another hug {{{{{{{{LowLow}}}}}}}}}
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08-12-2012, 08:33 PM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 8
Hysterectomy: June 25th, 2012
Surgery Type: DvH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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Re: I'm just so sad
I completely agree. I am 41 and I unfortunately never had children, and I am not married. I thought I was ok with not having children and if I did want any, it wouldn't be at this age (pregnancy). But I have also gone thru a grieving process. I am on week 7 and I'm having a hard time getting back into the swing of 'life'. But most of all, I feel sad. And that is because I will never be able to have children. You'll be ok. You will definitely like the after stuff. (no periods, etc.).
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08-12-2012, 10:31 PM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 6
Hysterectomy: October 1st, 2012
Surgery Type: DvH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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Re: I'm just so sad
I have no children and although I never felt an urgency or deep desire to be a mom, I thought one day a child would be part of my life's journey. I too shed tears and i think it has a lot to do with the fact that the choice, to some degree, has been taken out of my hands. In the ideal world, we would not have any health issues to deal with and we would make the best choice for ourselves. Unfortunately, I do have to make a difficult choice that isn't ideal. My GP told me to take my time to work through the emotions because being okay with my decision will help with the healing. Fortunately, my choice is not a life and death situation, but a hysterectomy would be needed at some point. I think the best thing I did for myself was write down the pros and cons and once my decision was made, I focused on the pros and making it a positive situation to the best of my ability.
Danielle
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08-13-2012, 04:00 AM
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Posts: 14,518
Hysterectomy: July 20th, 2011
Surgery Type: TVH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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Re: I'm just so sad
I am so sorry you are going throuh this, and at such a young age. As you can see, we are all so different and have different stories. Yet many of us feel the same emotions during this journey.
I totally relate to the loss of the fairy tale. I have one son, had a miscarriage and then immediately afterwards a divorce. I spent the next 10 years healing from a bad marriage and focussing on being a good mom. I have been in a relationship now for the past five years. And tho I knew I wouldn't have another child at this point (43 when I had my surgery) at least I had the option. This is NOT how my life was supposed to be. It makes me sad that I will never have a daughter. I am sad that I lost my uterus, my fertility, and my periods. But these are the cards I'm dealt and for whatever reason this is what is meant to be for me. I am grateful that I was able to have my one amazing child. And I am grateful for my wonderful supportive DH. But sometimes I still get sad. And I struggle with feeling less sexy, desirable and feminine.
Hang in there, and know that you aren't alone. You are doing what is best for you. What you are feeling is part of the process, allow yourself to go through it. Hopefully you have someone in your life you can share this with. And come here for support, you now have Sisters all over the world who understand and are here for you.
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08-13-2012, 04:10 AM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 481
Hysterectomy: May 24th, 2012
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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Re: I'm just so sad
First of all ((((Big Hugs))))
Your feelings are normal and understandable. I went through the same emotions and roller coaster rides, as did most all of the other ladies here.
It is a major change in our lives and a major surgery. We have to go through the stages of grief because it is a loss even though our quality of life will hopefully be improved. Even if we don't want any more kids or can't have them, we mourn the loss of our reproductive organs and the possiblity of becoming pregnant.
You are definitely not alone here and you can always talk to us and vent if you need to.
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08-13-2012, 07:21 AM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 673
Hysterectomy: April 24th, 2012
Surgery Type: DvH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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Re: I'm just so sad
I think almost all of us feel sad before our surgeries. For me, I actually felt even more sad afterwards, almost even depressed. I really wanted one more baby, but another pregnancy and one more c-section wouldn't have been safe for my body.
For me, it just took time for me to emotionally adjust to my reality. Sometime around 10 weeks post op I started to accept my situation. The lack of bleeding, terrible cramping, and daily pain began to outweigh all of the other stuff for me. Instead of focussing on the fact that I couldn't have another baby, I decided to focus on being thankful for the new healthy me. At first it was difficult to try and be thankful. But it was a decision I made and I stuck with it. In a couple of weeks I found that I honestly felt thankful for the new me and was able to accept my infertility.
I hope you find a way to cope with all of this and find peace.
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08-13-2012, 02:00 PM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 106
Hysterectomy: August 17th, 2012
Surgery Type: TLH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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Re: I'm just so sad
I am 41. I had my surgery right after I turned 40(not a good combo). I never had children and have never been married. I felt better than ever when I first had my surgery. I got a puppy back in January. She is the most spoiled puppy I have ever had, knowing that there will not be children that will compete with her later. I found out this weekend that I may have to have surgery again to remove my ovaries. The things I worried about the first time are not the same as what I worry about this time. I worry about where my "baby" will stay if I have to stay in the hospital. I worry about her jumping on me afterwards. All of these are normal before surgery. After your surgery you will be glad you had it.
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