LSH: Frightened family members behaving badly

I did had a giant, relationship-changing fight with my father.

I know that he is scared and all. My oldest sister died of cancer (a different kind than mine, but still dead) and he took that really really hard. I think it was the first time in his life that he wasn't able to think his way or buy his way out of a problem.

I am 44 years old and I have endometrial cancer. I need to be able to organize this in the way that makes me feel the strongest and safest, and I don't want to have to spend energy trying to downplay everything so people I care about aren't scared or worried. I want to keep this as low key as I can, I want to recover in my own apartment and I want to make as small of a deal as I can. It is way less scary to me if it seems less big and if I feel that I'm not losing my cherished independence.

So, I don't want my parents there for the surgery. My Dad lives in CT and my Mom lives in Florida and I haven't lived with either since I was 14. My parents cannot be in the same room together without my mother going insane with stress. I cannot have my father here and my mother not here or she'll flip. If both parents are here, then my sister will come too and then I'll have an army of people pacing the waiting room while I have surgery and I don't want that.

All I really want is for my closest friend to be there with me. She's the one I called first after my diagnosis. She's the only one I feel like I don't have to pretend for. She makes me feel like I'll get through this fine and everything will be OK.

Well, on the phone today, my father told me that I am behaving badly and I've insulted him and basically I am a horrible person. I've been hysterical non-stop for the past 5 hours. I don't want to talk to him really ever and I am devastated that he could be so awful to me when I'm sick and not able to deal with it. I know he is scared and worried and is upset that there's nothing he can do for me and that freaks him out. But, geez, he is 72 years old. Isn't he old enough to accept that this isn't about him?

I'd like to just pass information to him via his wife or my sister or by email, but then I'll feel guilty about that.

I don't know what to do. I don't think I can forgive him. My surgery is in less than 2 weeks and I'm already a basket case and this isn't helping.

Sigh.

First, a hug.

Now, take a slow deep breath. I had my Da Vinci hysterectomy a month ago. I had ONE friend come. I made her medical power of attorney person and the person who would call everybody else. I made sure my will and legal paeprs were in order (just in case . . . I'm anal like that). I did all my shopping and preparing the house for me.

I did not even tell my family what hospital I was going to be in. I told them the date and that they would get a call by evening.

Like you, my family was EXTREME drama. I finally had to stop talking to them and turn off the phone a week before my surgery. They were stressing me out and I was already scared sh*tless.

They behaved . . . for a while. My friend made her round of calls and commented on how "normal," they were. She went to the post op consult with the doctor and had all that information. She called all of them. While she was here, they behaved. They started showing their butts again the moment she left. My sister was supposed to come and help me out. I had to cancel her. Too much drama! I haven't talked to her since. I'm focusing on me. I can't deal with family madness right now.

You can forgive your father. But focus on you right now. Trust that your father, mother and others have enough people in their lives to lean on. You can be selfish in their eyes. In your eyes it's just be self protective and you are absolutely entitled to that.

Right now, start preparing your haven how you want it. You can do it alone. I have. My friend stayed 5 days (1 day before, 2 in the hospital and 2 after). She was able to drive around and pick up last minute things like medication. My only regret now is that I don't have as much comfort food. I really need a burger.

Another hug.:hugs5:

Oh, man, THANK YOU. So nice that it isn't just me.

It amazes me that my father is hurt that I'm not including him as much as he would like to be included (whatever that could possibly mean) and his way of dealing with that is not just SAYING that, it's to ensure that I regret even telling him and now don't feel comfortable having him involved at all. Let's make Cancer Girl cry! That will help get my way!

Sigh. I'm good from my end, though. I've scheduled all the stuff I need to do before hand and I'm good with that. Now, I guess, it's just drama and guilt to handle. On the plus side, I guess I'll spend less time worrying about "what if" since I now have something more solid to worry about.

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Originally Posted by SLF_NYC Oh, man, THANK YOU. So nice that it isn't just me. It amazes me that my father is hurt that I'm not including him as much as he would like to be included (whatever that could possibly mean) and his way of dealing with that is not just SAYING that, it's to ensure that I regret even telling him and now don't feel comfortable having him involved at all. Let's make Cancer Girl cry! That will help get my way! Sigh. I'm good from my end, though. I've scheduled all the stuff I need to do before hand and I'm good with that. Now, I guess, it's just drama and guilt to handle. On the plus side, I guess I'll spend less time worrying about "what if" since I now have something more solid to worry about.

The only one? Oh....I'm quite sure there are many who have experienced the family nonsense....me included. I'm not even officially diagnosed yet (1st appt on Fri w/ the GYN onc) and I have my 86 yr old mother (who walks w/ a walker) and argues w/ me about EVERYTHING wanting to come over and "help" me.....HELP me? With what? Feeling sh**tier than I already do? But wait...it gets better...my older son (25yo) had a TOTAL meltdown and wants to take the semester off from school because he's worried about me....HUH....adult son moving back in is a help? Its hard to have to worry about the emotions & coping (or lack of) of other people at a time like this.....

Try to hang in there w/ your Dad....forgive, but be FIRM in whatever YOUR needs are right now!!!

Oy Vey! Family....if only I had a secret cave somewhere to hide until this ordeal is over!!

I'm so sorry this is happening and causing stress! Last thing you need!

I completely relate to not having a hoard of people there--particularly if they do more harm (i.e. cause stress) than not. And older parents don't often seem to understand, in my experience, that their presence isn't always a help. My dad is 81--and has no clue what I'll be going through.

I am so relieved you have that great close friend to rely on. Is she okay with being the 'conduit' to giving info to others? IF she is okay with the role, that could be the biggest help ever.

Dee

My friend is amazing. She can handle being conduit perfectly. My family really likes her too. She's exactly the sort of person one would like to have around at a time like this ... she's not going to fuss over me or act like I'm some sort of invalid, but she's not just gonna pat my hand and tell me not to worry. She'll make sure it is about me and not about anyone else and she'll run whatever interference is needed. And, she's super-chatty, so we'll spend the whole time nattering away and it will keep my mind off of everything.

Really, I feel like I've done a really good job controlling the stuff I can control. I've got everything planned out and ready and I have a group of very supportive friends who all know to back off until needed, won't be insulted if I need to be left alone and will never make me feel like I'm causing any hassle if I need them to drop everything and come over.

It's really just dealing with my parents. Being a grownup doesn't actually include getting treated like one by your parents.

I am right there with you. This is my first surgery and I am terrified. I am one that keeps things to themselves. Before I told my mother and sister, I had it planned on how I wanted things. My mom just stresses me out but I knew she would have to be at the hospital. If I had my choice nobody would be there but I decided to pick my battles. I already asked my brother to take me because he would at least lighten the mood for me. When I told mom that she said she could take me. They all live in Kansas while I live in Oklahoma now so it is going to be a travel for any of them. To try and make everybody happy, I decided to let my best friend stay with me for a week after surgery to help out. Again I don't think mom was too happy on that one but this is about me and not her. At least my friend knows when to leave me a lone. Then after that, I can rely on my coworkers to run errands and such for me. They are willing to do anything that will help.
You need to make sure the surgery is about you and not them....some times easier said then done. That is one of the many things I have learned from this website.

SLF_NYC

I went through the exact same thing with my sister. She's twelve years older than I and for some reason thinks I'm her daughter or her identical twin. I do not have a sense of self around her being the oldest I guess. My mom is 88 years old and she wants to take my mom's place. She is in no way close to being my mother. I can barely tolerate her for more than a couple of hours. I never tell her when I'm planning anything, because she always invites herself. A day after I met with the gyn-onc and he stated I had 43% chance of endometrial cancer, my brother had emergency surgery. I was vulnerable I guess and told her about the possible cancer. She stated no wonder you were that way (the cancer was taking over my personality), and was immediately depressed. A week or so later I received the phone call the surgery was scheduled on 2/28/11 by davh. I would have to fly to the hospital. She stopped by the same day and once again I blabbed the surgery date. She immediately ran out to get her date book and started saying how she's going to take family leave for my surgery. She'll be my mom. I stewed for a few days. Then I called her before work. I told her I did not want her to accompany me. I do not want any worry or negative vibes. We had a blow out. She said is it because I don't like her, because if I don't like her she won't go. I told her because I want to be in control of the total situation from the hospital, the doctor, and the discovery. See we lost our sister from asthma in 2004 and she felt she let my sister down. I said it's all about me. She said I should mourn and we could pray together. For one thing until I'm diagnosed I'm not going to mourn anything. For another my prayer is different from hers. The day before the surgery I stayed in a hotel and did the magnesium citrate bowel elimination. It didn't work at first. I called home and discussed it with my mom. I was freaking out that the surgery would be cancelled. It was rough but eventually worked out.

I went to the hospital at 5am. Surgery went well. My doctor contacted my mom with the status but not what he found. The nurses took care of me. They were very kind. Later that after I called my family. My sister told me it was funny that I couldn't eliminate. Great, here I was terrified and they thought it was funny. The hospital stay was was peaceful and quiet. Pain in the incision area only. Got to go home the next ay. It was a nice break. When the doc stopped by and told me they found cancer and removed my lymph nodes, I remained strong. But when he left I had a good cry. It was an intensely personal moment. Seeing my life ahead of me. It's something I had to face. After a couple of weeks I received the results, it was grade 1 stage 1a (started to invade the myometrium). My doctor said to celebrate. I told my sister and she said she was worrying all day.

Since the blow out, I can barely tolerate my sister. I'm tired of her worst scenario, prophetic, voo doo ways. She had me dead and buried. Sometimes I want to break free from this person. One day I'll have to speak my mind and that will be the end of that relationship. I understand what you're going through with your dad. He will have to find a way to deal with this in his own way. Live and learn. I myself need to keep things to myself. Everything will take care of itself. God Bless.