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Mars/Venus Issues AKA:Men can say the wrong things Mars/Venus Issues AKA:Men can say the wrong things

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  #1  
Unread 10-31-2002, 09:30 AM
Mars/Venus Issues AKA:Men can say the wrong things

Are the rest of you having trouble with your SO's trying to do the reassuring bit but it seems like everytime they open their mouth they are putting the ole shoe in it again? I try to remember the Mars/Venus books and how it really applies in DH's and my life. He wants to be a fixer and he thinks by reassuring statements (they sound like they are minimizing in my ear) that he is helping. I struggle with it and try not to take it badly but oh how I wish he could just say 'how awful that must be for you' and then shut up and nod and smile a lot. To hear statements like 'You'll be up and doing within a week, you'll see' feels like a high expectation and puts a lot of pressure on me. To him...it is trying to get me to stay positive and hope for the best. For him to say 'It won't be as bad as you think' makes me feel like he thinks I'm making too big a deal of it rather then he, once again, trying to stay positive. Oh and how I hate it when he says I should stop thinking about it so much and researching it because it makes me tense....just makes me want to slap him. He isn't the one scheduled to have their insides ripped out so detachment is a bit more of a chore. When he said his brother was wondering why 3-4 weeks of recovery was needed when a heart bypass patient is good in a week I snapped that his brother should have his testicals and penis detached and get back to me about when he is feeling better.

Anyway....how are the rest of you coping with the 'support' from your loved ones. Ya gotta love them for trying....

Theresa
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  #2  
Unread 10-31-2002, 09:52 AM
Mars/Venus Issues AKA:Men can say the wrong things

I had this same sort of thing going on with my DH. I, like you, did not want that kind of reassurance. My reaction was the same, I felt pressured.

Have you tried explaining this to him, as you explained it to us?

I find that it helps me to say to my DH "I want you to say (This must be scary for you/ It must be hard for you......Plug in whatever you want him to say here)

It makes me feel (pressured / like you are going to be expecting too much/ like you will not be available to help me through this/ like you think I can do this myself when I really may need your help and support emotionally and physically for some time post op, etc..... Plug in your feeling here)

It sure made alot of difference in how I felt when I was hearing what I needed to hear. He ended up expressing that he was also scared and worried. He promised to help me as long as I needed him to. And he did!

Hope this works for you. Getting through this waiting and dealing with the emotions is so hard! Best Wishes.
  #3  
Unread 10-31-2002, 10:06 AM
Mars/Venus Issues AKA:Men can say the wrong things

Theresa,

My dh is not good at saying the right thing either. I think this surgery is scary for all of our loved ones and sometimes the talk about a fast recovery is wishful thinking. As if saying you'll feel fine in a week or two will make it so.

I've heard that line about heart surgery before and it's just not true. The typical hospital stay for bypass surgery is one week, and the recovery time before returning to work is 6-8 weeks.

tricia
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  #4  
Unread 10-31-2002, 12:11 PM
Mars/Venus Issues AKA:Men can say the wrong things

Hello! I know what you mean exactly! Men are naturally "fixers", not "emoters". In other words, when I say "oooo, my cold sure is bugging me", his response typically would be "well, what can we do for that? I know, why don't you take some aspirin?"
All I REALLY wanted was, "aw, gee, hon, that's too bad, what can I do for you? Why don't you go and take it easy for a while?" LOL
This is something I wonder about, too. If you are "expected" to "buck up", that is just extra pressure you don't need! Yipes--I'm not wonder woman (although it IS nice to be thought of as strong and capable).
  #5  
Unread 10-31-2002, 12:23 PM
Mars/Venus Issues AKA:Men can say the wrong things

Oh yeah... been here too. My DH just can't say the right thing no matter what he says.... and it would really tick me off if I had to coach him. So, we talk rarely about the surgery.

For me this falls under the same lines as .... I don't want a birthday gift if he doesn't remember to buy it himself. Just isn't the same if you have to prod them.

Like right now, I would not tell him that it is taking a lot of energy for me to keep from cancelling this surgery. I keep having to run down the pro and con list to remind myself why I am doing this. He just would not understand that at all and I know this, so I have women to talk to about these things.

Happy thought for the day .... its the first day of the last period of my life ! !! wooooohooooo!!!

Thanks to all of you for being here. Thanks for helping all of us have a place to come and vent and ask questions and just feel "normal" for awhile.
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