Friend Fail Part 2

I know on the pre-op boards, there were several people who were disappointed with the way their so-called close friends behaved or treated them before and around the time of their surgery. So, I am wondering now that emotions aren't so high and now that the dust has settled, what the outcome of some of that was? I have a couple of people who I considered close "friends" who never even called me to check on me after the surgery knowing how terrified I was. One is someone I've been friends with since I was 14 years old! (I'm 39 now). The other is a nurse and knows how hard this was but not a single call! Anyway, did you end up forgiving/forgetting or just reevaluating your relationships and cut some people out of your life? Very curious. Thanks in advance for the responses!

In my opinion some people aren't very good at dealing with sickness and hope that by not acknowledging it it will somehow go away or if they wait a few weeks you'll be more likely to be in better form when they do call/visit. The other thing is life indeed goes on and people are wrapped up in their own world etc I've learnt not to take lack of visits or calls to heart but you often do see people in a 'new' light.

My "best" friend basically acted as if I never had anything done. She didn't come to see me until wk seven. She lives five mins away. I had a TVH and A&P repair. When I had gotten home my cuff lose a few stitches and I bled insanely. I ended up with another two nights in hospital and two bags of blood. It was very scary for my hubby and I. My friend knew all of this. I have only talked to her a handful of times since my January operation. When I did see her at wk seven I said that I needed her and she just said "oh...sorry". So that friendship is pretty much over. BUT I had a lot of people that came out of nowhere with my surgery. People I didn't expect so much support from. Those friendships have blossomed beautifully. I'm still hurt from my "best" friend and don't think I will ever understand what happened. I don't know if she was tired of me being "sick" or what. I dealt with my prolapses for almost nine months (longer wait times in canada). I tried not to let my prolapse rule my world. But with a 2/3stage uterine prolapse and bowels/bladder/tissue coming down with it. It was a very hard time. But I still managed to do things like surprised her for her birthday by cleaning her house and having supper ready in a crockpot. She had recently returned to work and found it hard to keep up. I couldn't walk for three days after mind you and cried for most of them. But I never told her. I did it because I cared for her. Unfortunately she apparently didn't feel the same. I didn't want anything big. Just a quick hello visit. But anyways, I'm trying to put her past me and am focusing on the awesome new ones I've gained. The people I know I can trust now.

I am 9 months post-op, suffering some major complications and had something very interesting develop recently. One of my so-called "bestest friends" who was very noticeably absent after my surgery, had surgery of her own. She called me the other day and said to me I am so hurt and disappointed in you...you haven't called, texted or stopped round since my surgery". Hmmmmmm how do I approach this in a way that doesn't hurt her feelings? and then I thought nah ah she obviously gave no thought to mine. So I asked her where the heck she had been during my surgery, the recovery and the complications? Since she certainly hadn't been here. So why on earth would I make an effort on her behalf? It might sound petty but I'm still struggling and she's complaining that I'm not there for her? She ummmd and ahhhed and then said well obviously you don't care about me. Oh hell honey I said, back atcha since you let me down first.

So no, I couldn't be the better person and just let it go and we are no longer friends.

Sorry for the novel!!!!

I forgave them all. Now that it's been a while, I realize that some people just don't know how to handle the situation. They think you'll call when you're ready. Or they are embarrassed, goes for women too. Some think you'll be embarrassed since you haven't been calling and discussing it. I figure, if they are still around, and still talk to me, I'll talk to them. They just didn't know how to handle a difficult situation. And, to be honest, I was an emotional mess. I would have run from me if I could have! I was walking around in an ugly flannel nightgown and leg warmers. I didn't call them and say Hey, I'm home from my hysterectomy. Wanna hear about it? Anyway, since then I have had the opportunity to visit a couple of them after a surgery or broken bone. They didn't really want company, and when I look back, neither did I. I just wanted a call or flowers or something. At least some of them get it now. Oddly the guys better than the gals. Go figure.

I think sometimes it's hard for people to understand something they have not been through. I wouldn't hold it against them. Everyone deals with things differently, so if they have otherwise been a good friend to you, forgiveness is key probably more for your own sanity than for them.

Yea I have friend who pretty much ignored me. That I forgive as they have their own lives and problems. What I have a hard time forgiving is a very close friend who decided to humiliate me days after sugery when I was very sick with a drug reaction. Basically she told me that I was taking advantage (by texting her ONCE when I was afraid I wasn't breathing right - and I wasn't). And then she told me I was trolling for sympathy when I made a post on FB about how much more difficult the surgery was than I expected (i did not get into detail and even thanked those who checked up on me). Then I found out she basically turned others against me (she is well known and respected in our community and people follow her like the **** Messiah) by telling them who knows what.

I was shocked. Absolutely shocked. Another friend of mine who has been there for me was so angry and upset with this woman's actions - she said she could feel her BP going up.

It was like a bad version if grown up Mean Girls. And that I really cannot forgive. Hurt far more than I can even express.

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Originally Posted by Elsie 1122 I forgave them all. Now that it's been a while, I realize that some people just don't know how to handle the situation. They think you'll call when you're ready. Or they are embarrassed, goes for women too. Some think you'll be embarrassed since you haven't been calling and discussing it. I figure, if they are still around, and still talk to me, I'll talk to them. They just didn't know how to handle a difficult situation. And, to be honest, I was an emotional mess. I would have run from me if I could have! I was walking around in an ugly flannel nightgown and leg warmers. I didn't call them and say Hey, I'm home from my hysterectomy. Wanna hear about it? Anyway, since then I have had the opportunity to visit a couple of them after a surgery or broken bone. They didn't really want company, and when I look back, neither did I. I just wanted a call or flowers or something. At least some of them get it now. Oddly the guys better than the gals. Go figure.

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This is so on point, Elsie. I think many people don't know what to do, so they do nothing. Not because they don't care, but because they are completely paralyzed by their fear of doing or saying the wrong thing.

Forgiving them for not living up to your expectations is the kindest thing you can do for YOURSELF. Holding a grudge is like willfully drinking poison and nobody needs that, especially after a major, life-changing surgery.

That's not to say you should keep emotional vampires in your life, we've all had them and sometimes you need to let lop-sided friendships go to protect yourself. But I'm trying to remember that my emotions and perceptions are especially heightened during the recovery from this particular surgery and I'm trying to err on the side of giving people the benefit of the doubt.

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Originally Posted by DClay . This is so on point, Elsie. I think many people don't know what to do, so they do nothing. Not because they don't care, but because they are completely paralyzed by their fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. Forgiving them for not living up to your expectations is the kindest thing you can do for YOURSELF. Holding a grudge is like willfully drinking poison and nobody needs that, especially after a major, life-changing surgery. That's not to say you should keep emotional vampires in your life, we've all had them and sometimes you need to let lop-sided friendships go to protect yourself. But I'm trying to remember that my emotions and perceptions are especially heightened during the recovery from this particular surgery and I'm trying to err on the side of giving people the benefit of the doubt.

Excellent points. You know now who your real friends are and who aren't. I have no problem cutting off someone that really isn't a friend.

It's been 10 months since my surgery and I'm still a little hurt by the fact that so called best friends and close family members couldn't be bothered to even call. It has gotten better with time but I don't think I'll ever really forget. On the other hand there were a couple who went above and beyond, so I really appreciate them.