Wow...

With 760,982 posts I assume I'd be lost in the shuffle and go about life as anonymously as I wish, but by posting, it's kind of a cry for attention.

I had my pre-op appointment yesterday. I kicked my husband out of the office because he didn't like the way I treated a nurse who didn't know me, made it perfectly clear to me she didn't care to, and spent 10 minutes crying about his feelings. Then spent additional time upset about the nurse's request to strip from the waist down for a PAP smear, and whether my decision to end the agony and have a hysterectomy was the right way to go.

"Why are you crying?" Well... dips**t... it's because PAP smears hurt! It's because the "advanced" method of "SCRAPING" the whatever lining it is, HURTS!!! And I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of sweating out each and every PAP smear only to be told, "Weeelllll.... we've got A-Typical cells here and we want to do a colposcopy." After hearing that for the fourth time, I got upset and very uncooperative with any doctor requesting anything of my cervix or uterus.

I still remember the call 14 years ago, "You have severe dysplasia," which started the intense path of "female trouble." At 27, I'm dealing with cervical cancer. I went in for "cryro" which, in my opinion, only resulted in the feeling of being a slab of defrosting meat for six weeks. Since then, I've had nothing but trouble with every part of my body related to femininity! My periods are heavy. My cramping is so severe it feels like I am giving birth. And the "yearly" visit to the OB/GYN is feared if not avoided all together.

Before I became pregnant with my son, almost 19 years ago, I had a Laparoscopy. The doctor found "adhesions and scar tissue" and he cut everything loose. A few days later, after my husband couldn't wait any longer, I was pregnant with the wonderful son I just sent off to the Army. I barely thought anything of the findings and ambled through life thinking it was the womanly duty to endure pain and suffering. After all, we can pick fruit.

It wasn't until my dear current husband became distraught with my suffering that he insisted I go to the doctor. Yes, he was right. I was suffering. And it wasn't until I started doing research that I found the pain I was suffering isn't normal, the amount of bleeding and clotting wasn't normal and needed to looked at further by trained medical personnel.

My dear doctor, a female who seemed to go to a different level to understand what I was going through, ran all of the tests and didn't find anything amiss, but still, I endured periods so painful and heavy that my life evolved the calendar. (Some how male doctors who ask the question, "Do you use a tampon or pad," and receive the response, "both"." need to buy a vowel.) Together we decided a hysterecomy would be the only decision that would, or could, cure the problems I experienced.

Here I am 14 years down the road, wanting to end the suffering, fearing nothing of justification will be found, and wondering if I'm making the right decision.

I'm surrounded by nothing but positive endorsements for hysterectomy in the circumstances I face, but still I feel jerked. I know in my heart this is what I need and want, but I question.

My husband tells me and I believe questioning myself is a good thing. But can someone tell me why I feel like crying at the drop of a hat???!!!

It's five days until surgery and I wonder.

The same reason many of us cry, loss.

Whether we know we are finished having children or not, we are losing the ability to change our minds.

We have become accustomed to a certain way of life and will lose that even if it will be better in a short time.

We are losing that which we identify with being a woman.

As for you specifically, you know whatelse you are losing that is meaningful to only you. This has been a part of your life and who you are for a long time. A burden and a blessing that you will lose if you have this surgery. Perhaps you are grieving already.

My doc, who is male, told me that it doesn't matter how old you are or if you never wanted children, there will be an emotional loss to some degree for every woman.

Talk with your husband to get his assurances that he will still see you as the same or better woman after your surgery. Make sure to let him know that you will need to have extra strength and support from him during your recovery and that recovery is initially 6 to 8 weeks, but up to a year for a complete internal recovery. Remind him that your hormones may not be stable for a while and to be patient.

It won't be long, Sister, until the world will look brighter and you will laugh at what you have gained rather than cry about what you have lost!

Hi Kasmoss,

I am nearly 2 yrs post-op and remember so well the crying, the anticipation. At one stage, the day before I went into the castle I think, I was convincing myself that I didn't need this op, and that everything would be just brilliant if I just could carry on. I think the crying is about loss, but for me it was about confusion, and I found that talking to my DH and my family helped me realise for myself (because nobody else could do it for me) that having this op was the best thing for me at this stage of my life. Further on down the line I have no regrets at all. Sure, the HRT took a bit of tweaking, but I'm there now, and the sex thing took a while to get back into, but there's no looking back now for me.

What you are writing about sounds so familiar to me - you have waited so long for this, and now the day is nearly here you are scared and emotional. If you think about how far you've come, what you've endured, and how you picture life post-op, you will I'm sure come to the right decision for you. Try having a look at what the post-op ladies are writing - not the immediate post-surgery writings, but those like me who are further on down the line. It might help if you can picture yourself there, rather than where you are now?

It really is an emotional roller coaster isn't it? Only those of us who've been through and come out the other side can really understand.

I will think of you on your surgery day - you'll make the right decision I'm sure. Sending hugs,
Jules

I too was questioning my decision and looking for an excuse to back out of surgery...until my pcp during my pre-op physical really helped me to see I had no rational choice. I'm a control freak and din't like giving up control over my body to others, and the inability to change my mind later. For a long list of physical and emotional reasons, children were no longer a factor in my decision, but I still felt a loss the first few days (and honestly a little still 12 days post op) over it.
Do it if medically it is best for you, and know that there is all kinds of support out there - professional and otherwise for addressing fear and loss issues.

I had a tubal after my last child 15 1/2 years ago and found myself crying that they ar epermanently taking my " womb" out march 9th.MY dh was not following my logic. We both agree to not haveany more children so I had tehtubal ( after a c section ) and so why after all this time am I going beserk that I wont have a uterus??
Can't answer that ridiculous question. But I am right theer with you in feeling cheated . I think my hormones have made me beserk.... At 47 I wasn't about to try an dhav eteh tubal reversed and have anotehr child, but I fel as though that part of me the part that carried al my 3 babies into this world is going to be forever gone. I am crying again , just thinking about it.
Boy am I a basket case or what?

This site has been my second-best friend (after my DH--dear husband) since my surgery. I wish I had found it before surgery, but I found it a few days after. All the posts are divided into categories, you can search for keywords, and the ladies who host the site make sure everything's in the right place, and nothing but encouragement and empathy get through.

About crying: just get the good kind of kleenex with lotion in it, and let it loose. Your body is about to be irreprably changed, and, even though it's for the better, it's not like you can have a uterus reinstalled if you change your mind after.

I'm 32, and have been having immense pain and "Female Problems" (why is it that only guys say it that way?) since I was 14. At almost 8 weeks post surgery, I'm in less pain than I have been in years. I'm still in some pain, and totally exhausted, because I'm still healing, but my point is that relief is in sight.

The tears come from the fact that it's a huge trade-off to get that relief. It is. But the quality of your life counts. You'll be amazed, after all you've been through.

Since I was 14, every annual exam required a full day off schoo or work, two shots of brandy or scotch (straight up, thanks) or something like it, a friend or husband driving me there, another two drinks after I got home, lots of kleenex all through it, and the rest of the day in bed.

At my six week after surgery exam, she had to do a pelvic (no Pap--no cervix, so no liquor) to look at the top of the vagina where they stictch it shut. My wonderful (second) husband went in the room with me, held my hand, and when the doctor put the speculum in and opened it and pressed on my tummy, I couldn't believe it. It was the first time in my life that didn't hurt.

Bless your heart, do some early spring cleaning if you want (you won't be able to do it for real for at least six weeks after surgery), rent some tear jerker movies so your crying happens to coincide with something to cry about (not that it's not totally valid to cry out of the blue), and paint your toenails, because you won't be able to reach them for a while after your surgery (see "swelly belly" elsewhere on this site).

Please do write back and update. We all so much understand how you feel.

I think that we all feel like crying at the drop of a hat before surgery. i think that it comes from the waiting period as well as the knowledge that we are "losing" something. I know that was how I felt before my surgery which was January 29th. Now I am glad that I had it done and I am already starting to feel better than I did beforehand. I still get tired but the pain has subsided greatly. I will keep you in my thoughts as your date approaches.

Just remember everything will be ok.

Charity

Hi butterfly31 - I just love the "paint your toenails" bit - I wish I had thought about that before mine..... and Kasmoss just reach out for all those messages of support, we are all out there rooting for you.

This is amazing to see what this site is really about...support and encouragement. It brought tears to my eyes just reading this..made feel better with myself knowing that I am not adnormal for being scared or, uhm. jipped in a way to have to give up my ability to make the decision to have children just so I do not have to go on suffering any longer....thanks girls...you are the best...and this wasn't even my post

You know, I was pretty impressed to have thought of doing that before surgery! It was like a zap of inspiration to the brain! So I did it.

About three weeks after surgery, my toenails were looking pretty needy, so, over the course of like three days, I used polish remover, lotion, filed, pushed the cuticles back, and then made a polite request of DH--Could you paint my toenails for me? Little did he know I was going to come out with my basket of Basecoat, Polish, Topcoat, Q-tips, and remover! So, now I have fire-engine red toenails. It was one of the sweetest things he did for me when I really couldn't do for myself! I can reach my toes now, though, so this next one's up to me. The treadmilling every day seems to wear the polish off a lot faster than the Birkenstocks in the summer, man.....

Well, all you pre-op girls, hang in there. You'll be okay in the end, and part of the icky part you'll be so zonked or drugged you won't notice much! (I had the morphine pump.....oooooo la la. They really protested about be taking that home with me, though....)

Good Luck to All