My family is insane... Bugged by insensitive comment

I am ready to rip my phone out of the wall. My family is having some issues with moving my grandmother to a new care facility as she has dementia. They moved her on Wednesday and apparently there have been some issues and my mom, dad, and aunt are in major disagreement about how to handle and are arguing with each other. All of them have been calling me to discuss there opinion as I am supposed to be solving the problem. I am 4 hours away and while I do want to help with this, all of them have really valid points, but are they are refusing to listen to each other. I am getting exhausted trying to run interference.

None of this is the real problem. My other aunt, same side of the family so this is her mom too, called me really late last night. We are all in the midwest and she is on the west coast. She called just before midnight, so 10:00 there. This was the first night in a week I had managed to fall asleep without sleeping pills and she woke me up. It took me 3 hours after the call to get back to sleep.

Get this, she didn't call to check on me. She hasn't talked to me since my surgery or to talk about issues with the rest of the family. She called me because she thought I would be able to understand how she was feeling. She was a little down cause she has been having a hard time walking since she had surgery on Monday and was feeling a little down. She actually said "I knew I could talk to you because we are going through the exact same thing." At this point, I just said she woke me up and I was too tired to talk and hung up the phone.

Poor hubby had to deal with my anger. She called, never once asked how I was doing after my TAH/BSO for endometrial cancer because she felt that surgery to get one of her toes straightened, not for any medical reason or pain, but because she didn't think it looked nice in sandals was essentially a comparable surgery????????? Or at least that we would be feeling about the same.

So the one night I actually fall asleep I end up awake and fuming for 3 hours. ARGHHHHH

What it boils down to is most people live life for themselves. They don't intend to be selfish or insensitive, but they do center on their own issues rather than those of others. You sound like a competent person and your family is probably used to your stabilizing attributes and contributions. They may not realize that you need a huge amount of time to recover and think you should be back to your old self by now. With modern medicine being what it is, people have become accustomed to short recovery times after major surgeries. Knee surgeries can return to work the following week. Open heart surgery is out of the hospital in two days. There are very few procedures left that require the time we do in order to heal.

Rather than becoming angry, why don't you share your thoughts with your aunt and family? Chances are they don't even realize their comments and behaviors effect you as they do and they will be embarrassed. If you can't voice your thoughts at any other time, do it now, for your own sake.

If you have an answering machine let it answer your calls. If they come to the house there is no law that says you have to answer the door. Have your hubby run interference if you have to. You don't need the stress right now. You need to be able to heal.

You sound like the task master of the family. No matter what your age is, EVERYONE at some point in the family comes to you for advice or help. It doesn't matter to them so much about whats going on in your life, only that your there when THEY need you. Being a task master of the family is a great responsibility and a tiring, heartbreaking one. What seems like a "no brainer" solution to you, is a "Oh my Lord, the world is going to end because I can't figure this out" problem to them. I agree with Pinkpixie in her post, they expect you to have no problems especially when they call and need you. How dare you not be better to handle this family dilemma! Geez! Take care and put a smile on your face, your blessed to be a task master.

I've also noticed with my elderly relatives that the older they get the more self-centered they get. They almost start acting like young children again. Needy and focused on their every ache and pain. This can be very trying as you are still trying to gain your strength back. Just be firm and put your own needs first...something that we women have a hard time doing!

Take care,

Rhonda

End of life issues get very difficult and cause people to loose touch with the remainder of the world. Though I am not 2 weeks post-op I just returned from an 18 hour round trip to 4 states away for a very painful funeral. Nobody asked how I was -- but in the grand scheme of things I didn't mind. I returned home to find that our friend who at 47 and is using Hospice has struggled to hold on yet another day as he dies a painful agonizing death from bone cancer.

The other sister are right that you must put your own needs first. But I am so glad I wasn't obstinate and decline to go to the funeral in Illinois. There are far greater things to worry about and be thankful for that I feel I've been lollygagging around here about.

Finally, by the grace of God I hope to be an older citizien some day. I pray that there will be patient younger people around to help me down that journey so I don't go it alone. That said, do nurture yourself and do all you can to heal. But remember these people in your life are struggling and more than anything they just need to know that you care.

Best wishes ~

Sorry... I was in a lousy mood this morning. I really don't care about all the calls about my grandmother though they are getting tiring. I truly want to do all I can to support that. I was venting and got off the point

What bugged me was the belief that both surgeries were somehow equal. Seriously I could care less about the vanity surgery for her toe.

We're all allowed to vent and get haywire from time to time! So no need to apologize. At least it sounds like you are doing better!

Best wishes ~