separated, scared, looking for the light

Hi Sisters,

I writing this hoping that maybe by doing so I will see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.

My husband and I separated in March after 19 yrs of marriage and we actually had been together almost 25 yrs. I live alone most of the time. The decision for the children to stay with their dad was one we made together based on work schedules, the childrens ranch animals and other things. I see the children everyday, its very difficult not to be with them all the time.

I have always had some sort of problems with my cycles and in May I was doubled over in pain. I endured that cycle and called my doctor when the bleeding stopped but not the pain. This was now June 11th and she wanted to schedule surgery for 6-19. Well, I said no and would think about it. I am currently scheduled for 7-20 if the 3rd asst dr doesn't bail on me.

My mother wants to come help me but she is 77 yrs old and is having her own health problems and she helps my dad(83) alot. It is very hot here and I don't have air conditioning and they don't tolerate the heat very well. So I politely declined. Still think there are hurt feelings.

My sister wants to come out also. She has HIV and tires easily and I am afraid I will have to care for her if she gets to run down.

My 2 boys don't understand about the surgery, (they are 10 & 11) and will be at day camp most of the summer. My DD is 14 and really having a difficult time adjusting to the separation. I think she would be a big help and yet I don't want to deal with the arguing and bickering.

I am so afraid of what its going to like after surgery and when I get back to my apt. I do have some friends that have said they will help me. I have the overwhelming need to do this on my own.

I also have begun feeling like having the hyst is like taking away part of my womanhood. I don't want anymore children so why should I feel this way? I know we all make choices in our lives and I have made mine. So I guess I should lie in the bed that I have made. I am so scared.

Enough whining. Thank you all for being there.

Janer

ahhh...Janer....first of all I want to give you a great big hug..



First of all, we all need help at times in our lives. Don't feel badly about accepting it. If your mom and your sister aren't really options for you...by all means accept help from you friends. I feel so badly that your situation is so difficult right now. You didn't say why they wanted to do a hysterectomy. We all go through many emotions when we are faced with this surgery. That is completely normal. I want to emphasize, however, that a hyst in no way threatens your womanhood. I personally feel like it will make me feel more womanly because my problems have made my life so difficult.

I think what has helped me the most is the women here. I have read and read and read some more of all the posts. It helped so much to know that so many women have been down the same path as I am travelling. It strikes me how similar we all are. Know that you are not alone in this. Post often and ask any questions you think of as you work through this.

Your daughter may surprise you and be a great help. But, like I said before, don't be afraid to accept help from your friends. In the meantime, we are all here to support you in whatever ways we can.

Keep your chin up sweetie.

Sending you a big big You have alot on your mind right now. I'm glad that you found us. Your 14 year old daughter can be a big help. Let her help you! Also, don't be afraid to let the friend's step in and help you. Some day, you can return the favor. This is what friends are for. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Errands to the grocery etc. your daughter won't be able to do. This is perfect for a friend who goes to the grocery anyhow.

Stick with us here. Read lots and keep posting questions. We will be here with you each step of the way.

Many of the ladies here have come home after surgery and recovered without much help. Here are some things you can do to make the first several days at home easier.

Shop ahead of time for microwave meals. They taste pretty good and are easy to prepare. Make sure you have fruit and juice in the house, and groceries enough to fix light meals for lunch (soups, sandwiches, salads, etc.)

Prepare you room so that everything you need will be within your reach--phone, remote control, books, magazines.

Put a waterproof chair in the shower. That way you can shower without worrying about tiring too much or falling.

Make sure you get your pain meds ahead of time or on the way home from the hospital.

Does your Mom live close enough to visit without staying? That way her feelings won't be hurt, and she wouldn't have to endure more than one afternoon of heat without A/C.

Don't feel as if you're losing your womanhood. Your uterus and ovaries don't make you a woman. What makes you a woman is what's in your heart and your soul.

Janer.
First of all, are you sure you made this bed entirely alone? We all have some sort of "help" getting to where we are. I apologize if I have mis-interpreted your post, but it sounds as if you are blaming yourself. Please don't.... guilt, worry and jealousy are all wasted emotions. They take us to places we would rather not go, they take us to hurt and sadness, and they take time away that could be better concentrated on taking care of things and thinking about God. Pain is just a tool, learn with it, grow with it--You can do it because you are strong.
That said, I think you were extrememly un-selfish to think of your parents and sister that way! Good for you!
Your daughter might be just the ticket. Maybe she needs to see that ranting and raving are wasted and that sometimes we need to put ourselves aside for another.
You said that you felt as if you needed to handle this alone. Dear, we are never alone. We have not only this lovely forum and friends, but God. And He always sends someone into our lives just at the moment we think we can't take anymore.
I felt the same way about my uterus. I haven't had my hyster yet, but I was going through hell. I am done having kids, but felt as though something was being taken away from me.
I came to the conclusion that my uterus does not make me a woman. The grace and intelligence with which I carry myself does. The way I hold my children when they hurt, they way I reach out to others when I hurt, the way I care, nourish and flourish in a world of confusion makes me who I am. It does not rely on a body part of organ. The only organ that helps me to be who I am is my heart and brain. I am more of a woman because I know these things. I am more of a woman because I do what is right for me.
If you must,.... compare yourself to a man.....who can not relate to the way we feel, think, or act. Who can not hold a child and know how they are feeling(most of them anyway!), who can not see how to find the laundry, let alone why they make ziplock bags with different colors! They are great-they just can't do what we do!
You are a woman and your uterus doesn't make you one! You do!! The things you are worried about will be water under the bridge soon; and you can look back and say--I did this because I am a woman who knows what is best for me.
Alone or with someone...Honey-you WILL make it! The light you seek is already inside you, just waiting to glow. Let it glow and shine... I have been where you are...Find the light inside where God lives. It is a hell of a discovery!
God Bless....And lots of love and hugs in this growing time!
Peanut

Janer -- I can relate to your situation. I am divorced after a 20 year marriage (3 kids also, 2 boys & a girl). I did depend on my children's help. Just don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.


Not much more I can add. Take one day at a time, try not to worry too far in advance.

Best of luck


JILL

You need a big

Don't be afraid to accept help that is offered. I'm sure you can find a workable solution that everyone who has offered their help can do something for you without compromising their own personal situations.

My DH wasn't able to be with me during my surgery. But guess what? A female minister of a church that I've visited several times came by to be with me before my surgery, and would have stayed until I went in, except that my 78 yr old mother and her new hubby (of 2 yrs), came in. My mother was there all during the surgery and when they took me back to my room. Step-dad was there too. I never asked her to come due to her own health situation. I had a Dr's appt the week after surgery. I couldn't drive - my mother took me.

My DH did get off work and came later in the day. I've been married before and I can relate to your feelings about your children.

Your DD needs to feel needed by you. Set all the feelings about the divorce aside and don't dare mention her dad (unless it's very positive or casually). She doesn't need to hear more about the past. She needs to learn that we rise above these situations and go forward. Her offer of help shows her concern for you and that she feels like you need her. You've been there for her and now it's her turn.

This board has been a big help to me. Hang in there.

Thank you all so much for your support. You all are wonderful.

Janer