Superwoman

I am known as a very strong woman. It is starting to irritate me. During a family crisis, my husband almost died, three years ago I confronted my mother in law and asked her why she didn't offer help. She said "oh, you are such a strong woman, I figured you had it covered or you would ask". It is not always fun to ask. My husband told me yesterday he doesn't understand why I am not up doing more. Heck, its been two weeks, I should be doing cartwheels right. I feel unseen, unheard, unwanted, unloved, and unhelped. My mother in law hasn't even called me once to see how I am doing. I don't get it. There is no solution to this... I know. I just need some love from sisters who know how hard it is to be superwoman.

I am by no means superwoman but I can relate. My mother in law has never called to check on me one time. Although I never really expected her to. Actually none of my husbands family has checked on me. My husband has been really great. but after 7 weeks and I am still having pain and not able to do much around the house , I think he is getting a little tired of it. Not that he has said so, it is just the way he acts sometimes. So no you are not alone and I still do not do anything that causes me too much pain. My feelings are if they don't like it too bad because I promise you if they had to have major surgery and were still hurting they would not do anything either.

Last week DH was beginning to think I was trying to take advantage of the situation (he really has been good about most things and does all the cooking and most of the cleaning up). But hey, it's been 3 weeks and the outer stitches look like they're healing, so what's the problem? It's getting old for me too, that I can't seem to do any 3 things without dropping, or be "up" for any more than 20 minutes at a time. Twice in the last 2 wks I've run a fever - just 99.6 - 100.6 - but directly related to too much activity. Heck, a proper shower & related pampering takes about an hour if you're doing it right! And then that's it for the rest of the morning???

It helped Sat morning when I found the list of "acceptable" chores on the checkpoint section of this website. I copied that and emailed it to him, along with just a couple of other things describing where we're at at week 3 & 4 (can't overwhelm DH after all, he has a short attention span). Particularly the part about vacuuming which even I thought I should be able to do.

And then I looked right at him and reminded him that I have not been overly emotional throughout this whole ordeal but that could change in a heartbeat if he thought for one minute that I was not being totally sincere and honest because that would be a direct insult to my integrity and he knows better. I am not a shirker; in fact I generally take on more than I need to. All this without raising my voice or anything.

It worked! He did manage to nap more than me Sat & Sun but did all the cooking & most of the dishes. I didn't say anything more about the vacuuming but finally Sun evening he did it while I was in the shower! Had me worrying but he came through in the end!

He went to bed with out saying good night because he had an upset stomach? Lol. I'm up and down stairs, driving, and working show week (sitting but long). Taking dogs out... There isn't a lot more I can be doing. I guess I should be glad to be able to do so much so soon. Maybe its not soon. I am not good at letting go.

Ishara! Thank you. He has not asked me to vacuum. I think that we did not get enough information before to set our expectations. He does all the vacuuming, dishes and laundry. I think its the eyerolling that is upsetting me when I'm moving pretty quickly. I go back to work at 21 days which includes a 1.5 hour commute. I want him to realize I'm ahead not behind. My mother in law and sister in law who live together have both had the surgery and I think they are telling him I am behind.

I can relate as well. My sisters live two doors down from me and their excuse for not coming by was they thought I just wanted to rest. My DH and kids were doing everything. He's not much of a cook so we ate takeout quite a bit. My emotions were so out of whack that I'd cry for little or sometimes no reason at all. The feeling that no one cared about me made that even worse. The sad thing is that stories like this are all over this board. There are alot of us hurting because our friends and family have not been there for us. That's why I'm so glad that I found this board. I couldn't have made it through this without my "HysterSisters".

Same here about the lack of information. I just found this website late last week and it's been SO helpful! Wish I'd known about it BEFORE the surgery.

I'm guessing your MIL and SIL had their surgeries some time ago, and just like anything else the memories fade with time. I had assumed this would be similar to childbirth and even my own memories of that have faded. Else why would anyone EVER have a 2nd child?? My own daughter who had a C-section 3 yrs ago thought that this should be similar and I was getting the same vibes from her last week when she visited.

Have you read the info on this site about adhesions? It's in the Week 3&4 Checkpoint section under Activities/What Can Happen If I Do Too Much. Share this with DH and depending on your relationship with your MIL & SIL maybe share with them too. If they're just being hormonal themselves and showing an evil streak, I'd ignore them.

DH may be motivated by learning that if you do too much your recover will take even longer. There are lots of real-life, real-time examples in the postings here. He won't be wanting that!

Thank you Ishara. I took him to my one week and the doctor said, "you can return to activity". That was it. And he hurried out of the room. He misdiagnosed my gas bubble "in my shoulder" and was more excited about the fact that he cored such a large tumor out of such a small incision. I will spend time reading with him tonight. Thank you.

Doc said that at one week?? Did you have the laproscopic or surgical proceedure? From what I've been reading here on the posts, NO ONE was recovered that much at one week! Doctors can be so heartless sometimes, when they're not busy being clueless. My 1st follow up is later today and I was hoping DH would be home in time to take me. But now I think I'll confirm with my mother instead (she's on call in case he doesn't make it). Maybe we'll leave a bit early just to be sure. Don't need him hearing anything like that!

Good luck!