I'm So Scared (children mentioned)

I will be having my surgery in 6 days and a wake up and some minutes. I have tried to be positive which is so hard because I am such a pessimist. But it is what it is and until now the appointments for getting to where I am now always seemed so far away and now it is so close and am starting to panic. I read all these post and I find such comfort and it helps me so very much but now that my surgery date is coming I have no one to talk to. I am so scared, things happen, and i can't leave my kids, I don't want to leave my kids. I have not cried in so long but now I am so scared and i feel so alone. Tomorrow is New Years Eve and I can't even be 100% there at the party we are suppose to attend. I know that I can not control what is going to happen, and I am sure that this a huge part of the problem. YEP control freak too I am so scared and I feel so ( I am not even sure how I feel ) I don't want to leave my kids and my family and I was fine until just recently. I am sure its because it is coming so fast when it use to seem so far away. I just found out yesterday that a friend of mine from school passed away on Christmas day. It was a complication from medication not related to cancer, or even related problems posted on these message boards but she had a 6 year old son. I did not even know she was in the hospital. She was so awesome a great person and a great spirit!! And now she is gone and I did not even know she was sick, and I didn't get to say goodbye. I had to take a leave off school because of all the stuff I am going though. I am so sorry I am just so scared now (things go wrong) I am reverting back to the person who first came on these message boards. I read these post, it consumes most of my every day. I just hope to find someone, anyone who have had the same diagnosis and surgery and I have and it has helped so much but now I am so putting myself in that box again and feeling so vacant and alone, I am so scared. I am sorry I just really needed to get this out. Thank you to everyone so very very much, I am sorry about being such a big baby, but this is the only place I can go where people understand and I CAN be afraid and feel like I do. Thanks sisters

You aren't a big baby. You are normal and are going through normal feelings. Isn't it wonderful that we women can express what we feel and share it? I understand your fear, I was there, too. Complete, total, almost debilitating fear. But I continued to do the next indicated thing and have faith that everything was going to work out for the good. Nothing is going to go wrong. I tend towards being a pessimist, too - but when I get that way I try and change my thinking. Everything will be fine, the doctors and nurses are there to heal you. You aren't alone. My Dr pointed out to me that this type of thing brings out our vulnerability and inability to control and we need to pay attention to how that feels (sucked for me!). I can't believe that 4 weeks ago tonight was the night before I went to the Castle. Two days before that I didn't know how I'd get through that night. But it was easy. I just let things be, did what I needed to do and tried not to think. You will be fine. Your family and kids will be there to support and love you. Everything will work out. Hugs! Mariah

Oh sweetie, it's perfectly normal to be frightened, and I am sorry to hear of your friends passing. You'll get through this, I know I work myself up into quite a state over things too. Talking about my fears to anyone who will listen helps me and so does taking a few slow deep breaths. I have had a couple of surgeries and am waiting to get a date for what I hope will be my last one, and I go through the whole "worst case" what ifs in my head and basically scare the crap out of myself, and it's never as bad as I imagine. Just think about how much better you will feel once it's all over and done with you'll be amazed to see how strong you are. Wishing you a quick recovery, calm spirit, and handsome orderlies!

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. It is really normal to be scared. I was a wreck for the four weeks leading up to my surgery and I even cried during my pre-op appointment. I'm also a control freak so during my pre-op the doctor offered me a morphine pump so I could control my own pain meds and not have to wait for the nurses, but I ended up having a great spinal so I didn't need the pump. For me, the waiting really was the worst part. I couldn't think of anything else and I weas becoming obsessed! The whole thing went much better than I ever expected and now, three and a half weeks later, I am so glad I had it done. My thoughts are with you. You're not alone here.

Hi Blondraider,
For starters, you are in the first stages of grief over the loss of your friend. Add the stress of your upcoming surgery and the preparations for that and I'd say you're entitled to feel a little overwhelmed. And as my mom says, this too shall pass. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other...share your feelings with friends, family and here and let their love guide you to the next footstep. As a control freak as well, I have planned for everything (sad to say, good and bad). Not only does it help get through the time, but I feel better prepared. Remember to breathe in thru the nose and out thru the mouth...place one step in front of the other...take one day at a time. Mantras to share. Best wishes...keep sharing.

You did not say if you have faith or what your beliefs are, but when I was feeling overwhelmed and ready to change my mind, my sister told me to picture myself in the operating room and instead of laying on the operating table, to picture myself in Gods big strong hands--he was holding me while they operated--and it brought such a comforting feeling--it is all in his hands anyway--it is the one time we can't control( I also am a huge control freak) I have done this when others I love have surgery and it makes it much more peaceful--close your eyes and picture yourself in Gods strong hands and then ask him to have those Drs and nurses work through him!!!I will keep you in my prayers--all will be fine!!!

Oh Sweetie, don't apologize. You are going through something tremendously difficult and frightening, and all your fear is perfectly understandable. My best advice is something I've already said many times so I'll give it again here: examine your fears and concerns individually. Look at each one as its own issue: separate surgery concerns from concerns about your particular type of surgery, separate recovery concerns from those about being in the hospital, medication from anesthesia, personal from medical...in short, break each one of your worries down so they aren't coming at you in one giant, unmanageable, overwhelming ball that seems stronger than you. Once I did that I didn't feel nearly so much a victim of events and circumstance. I felt much more in control of my own destiny and it was vital to calming me down before the surgery.

My other suggestion is to ask every question that comes into your head of your doctor, your surgeon, your gyne, the medical people doing your tests, the hospital administrators you deal with, and, of course, the ladies here. Anything that you're wondering about you should ask about. That is another way that helped me regain a feeling of personal control. I became an active participant in my course of treatment and that was a tremendous reassurance psychologically.

As for your friend who passed away, she will forever live within you. That's all we can do with the memories of our loved ones, whether we get to say goodbye or not. I'm sure she knew how much you cared for her and that was a comfort to her.

The last thing I'll suggest is that you let yourself feel whatever you feel. Cry, get angry, beat up pillows, do whatever you have to do to exorcise that demon of fear and anxiousness raging inside of you. You've gotten a really lousy deal and you have the right to strong emotions about it. And after all that's done perhaps you can sit down with your kids and simply treasure them. That may prove the most reassuring thing of all.

Dear Blondraider -

I'm sorry that you're feeling so scared. But you don't need to apologize for your feelings - especially here.

I got through the days before my surgery without worry or fear because I trusted that God has and will give me more that I ever asked or imagined. The life He's given me so far is so much better than anything I could have dreamed up for myself. That's not to say that bad things don't happen - they sure do! But there is a bigger picture. And God is the one who controls that picture. Even though I like to control things I figure He's going to do a better job than me.

My kids are adults, but I'm sure that it will be hard to be away from your kids. But after all the years of love and care that you've given them, this is a time for them to learn how to love and care for someone else. That's a great lesson to teach them and it will be valuable all their lives and make them better people.

I will pray for you.

I, too, was paralyzed by fear prior to my surgery.

I handled it in a couple of ways: I read everything POSITIVE I could find about hysterectomy (not Pollyanna positive, but I definitely stayed away from those terrible scare stories!). The Essential Guide to Hysterectomy was extremely helpful--like a best girlfriend who is also a gyn!

I admitted my fears to my family and doctors. My family members were sympathetic and my doctors helped by doing things like giving me the statistics, giving me a sedative prior to anesthesia, etc.

I tried to replace what-if fearful thoughts with how-wonderful thoughts about after the successful surgery.

Now, I am two weeks out and I already feel better than I did before the surgery. Good luck to you!

Hey everyone thanks so very much for your kind words and such compassion. I knew I would get that here I really have no one to talk to that doesn't just tell me, "you'll be o.k." or "you have to think positive" and what about "you are such a strong person" bla bla bla... I find the comments just so generic and they really do not help me so I come and read and post and cry with all of you because that does help me so very much I wish I could personally thank every single one of you who have gotten me this far. I can not believe I have 6 days left from today it is so weird how many different reasons have brought us to the castle doors. Of course mine reason is cancer. I was once so consumed with reading the cancer post but now it is the pre-op post, I stay up every night just reading and reading and trying to find the answers or support I am seeking and I always to so thank you everyone so very very much. My son has been a great help (I came home from an appointment and he had wash the dishes and loaded and unloaded the others and cleaned the kitchen and vacuumed etc..) I was so happy. My daughter is only 3 so she just makes me a mess I am scared but I am trying to not over panic so thank you everyone so very much. 5 days and a wake up early in the morning and then what ever time I will be in pre-op holding Merry Xmas and Happy New Years to everyone!!