AARGH!!! What do you do with condescending mothers?

Sorry, ladies, I need to vent!!! I called my mother last night to chat for a little while. After about 20 minutes, I told her I needed to go (it was already after 9:30) because I had done too much yesterday and was tired and sore. She apparently seems to think that I should be completely back to normal since I am 5 1/2 weeks postop from a TAH. This woman HAD a TAH/BSO several years ago and for WEEKS and WEEKS I was the one who worked a full time job, did her laundry, cooked all her meals, cleaned her house, did her grocery shopping, etc. all while going to night classes at the local college.

The only thing she has done for me since my surgery is cook dinner for DH and DK's the night I came home from the hospital (and DH had to go pick it up at her house!!!). We only live about 2 blocks apart. She called maybe twice a week for the first week to check on me and then only when she needed to tell me something or ask me something. I do NOT believe this woman. She has never offered to come over, help with the DK's, clean, ANYTHING!!!!!!

And, on top of that, to have to hear the "When I was at (fill in the number) of weeks after MY surgery, I was already (again, fill in the blanks with all the awe-inspiring things this woman could do----NOT!!).

Sorry for ranting and raving, but this is really aggravating and it has truly hurt my feelings that my mother has not been there for me. My DH and DK's and my neighbors have been wonderful, but I kinda thought my mom would be there for me, especially since she has had the same surgery and SHOULD know what I'm going through.

Thanks for listening. You ladies are GREAT!!

Janet,
I am sorry that your mom is not there for you and is hurting you at the same time. I have found for myself that my family just is not there for me period. I don't know why, I no longer care why . I have spent tooooo much time trying to figure out something I cannot and never will understand or change. The whole time I opened up my heart to my family time and time again. Tima and time again I let them hurt me.
I finally decided that the relationship I have with my family has to be brief, how are you kind of thing, what's the weather like up there on the north coast? I can no longer put myself in a position to be hurt. Unfortunatly I don''t have thick enough skin yet.
If they pleasantly surprise me I let it be that a surprise and do not get my hopes up that things will change. I also try to attach positive motivation to their actions, maybe it is posible that I am missing the point. My mother is a backwords cheerleader. She never experienced any menopausal symptoms, giving birth to 10 children was effortless etc. It used to bug the **** out of me then I came up with the backwords cheerleader idea and her words are now words of encouragement and love, the best that she is able to do and give. Believe me this has taken all of my 48 years. I still practice. Some people practice zen I have family practice.
Love to you and mothers and daughters everywhere
Marg

I Felt The Same Way About My Daughter I Know Its Diff But Kinda The Same Im Always There For Her And She Never Once Asked Me If I Needed Anything She Would Say O Mom Your Fine So I Know The Hurt You Feel And Im Very Sorry Things Are That Way With You And Your Mom Just Try Not To Let It Get You Down

How old is your Mom? I find that the older my mother gets, the less she remembers about how difficult things were for her in the past. It's kind of like having an infant, once your children are grown, you forget how exhausting it was. Hang in there! And if your child goes thru a similar experience someday, try to be there for her.

Let it go in one ear and out the other. Don't respond when she compares your surgeries and she'll get the hint. Act like you aren't really paying attention, people always know when you're not giving them your full attention.
That is the only way to respect and honor your mother while trying to stay sane just listening to her:O)
clf626

How old is your mom? I will preface by asking...lol. Could she be forgetting big time? Did you remind her, gently, "I know, Mom, you got along so well with me at your every beck and call, never mind I had a full plate. I can see why you healed so nicely!" AHAHAHAH...wouldn't that be a hoot to say?

Robin M.

After I had mine, my mom was comparing her's (TVH 35 years ago) with mine, but in a different way. Her hospital stay was a week, couldn't drive or do anything for 6 weeks. I didn't get the superwoman recovery story from her. Instead, I got her support. The day I told her that I was going in for TAH, she started making plans to stay with us for at least 2 weeks to take care of me. DH said that she is going to get a gigantic christmas present because he doesn't know what he would have done with out her.

Thanks for all your support, ladies. Actually, my mother is only 63, so I don't think she's losing it quite yet. She wants everything to be about her. Actually my 10 y.o. daughter spent 2 weeks in the hospital this past spring and my mother was going around with this "poor me, my granddaughter's in the hospital" attitude. This from the woman who rarely EVER sees her grandchildren and only lives 2 blocks away!!!

Cathy--You are so lucky to have such a wonderful mother!! My MIL was just like that but unfortunately she passed away 2 yrs ago. I told DH I really, really wish she was still alive right now. She has come to Indiana from south Florida several times to help our when we needed her. She was a wonderful woman. Cherish the great mother you have. Give her a hug for the rest of us!!

I have found that when something big happens (whether it's surgery, a personal crisis, whatever), it is always a bit of a surprise who comes through for you and who totally ignores you. My parents visited right after my surgery, and brought a gift basket and a meal. They are 2 hours away and our relationship had had its rocky times, so that was enough.

On the other hand, some of my friends have been awesome--even people I didn't feel quite that close to. Then another friend, who had a hyst years ago and I thought would understand, did nothing--no emails, card, or any sign of concern. The thing I've learned is that God always provides someone. It might not be who you expect, but someone from around you will reach out and surprise you with how much they care.

I know the hardest thing is that this is your Mom, not the actual loss of the things she would have done. I am sorry she has not shown more compassion. As Cleomarg said, sometimes the best way to cope is to change our expectations of our loved ones, so that when something good happens we can be pleased, but if it doesn't, we are not too disappointed.

What to do with a condescending mother? VOW to NEVER be one!!!! I have made my DD's promise to tell me when they aren't getting the response they need/want from me, especially as I grow older. (I have warned them that they need to be careful ofthe wording, though. "You're just like your mother!" will only start an arguement!)

I have trouble with my mom, too. It seems the older she gets, the more like a child she becomes in respect to her needing to be the center of attention. I did not tell her about my surgery until a week before, I didn't want her to worry,but I also didn't want her trying to talk me out of it or making hurtful comments. As it is, she keeps saying, "Well, I don't know why this happened to you. None of the women in my family ever had these problems. I certainly never did!" Does she think I blame her in some way? I remind her that I also have my dad's genes and that my grandmother had a hysterectomy in her 50's (my mom doesn't know why)...maybe that's where I got it. I keep telling her how happy I am that I did it and that I have regained my freedom.

Because I worked around my bleeding (in order to help my mom) and because she winters in Florida, she never saw me flooding or having trouble walking because of the pain. Sometimes I think she feels I exaggerated my problems and that hurts me. I went to great lengths to spare her the worry and to be able to continue to help her (so that she can live on her own), taking her to appts, shopping for her, cleaning/yardwork and still I get her skepticism.

Moral: You can't win with some people! It hurts more when it comes from someone you love and you would like to have them return your love in the same manner. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it is just expressed in a different way.

I like the "backwards cheerleader" theory. Your mom may be thinking if she treats you like you are completely recovered, you will recover faster. That's the backwards thinking!

What I really needed from my mom was comfort, but I wound up comforting her through my surgery and recovery. I wanted to be a child in her arms again, but that will never happen. That is hard to accept, but that's life.

Remember that you have your sisters to vent to. We know the fatigue you feel and we believe you! Be good to yourself first, rest when you need to and remember to ease back into your regular routine. That way, you will have the physical and emotional strength to deal with your mom and her opinions.

Hang in there and take good care of yourself!

Maggiemay