Partner Really Struggling

Is anyone else's partner really struggling with your upcoming hysterectomy? My fiance is having a difficult time with it and it makes him uncomfortable to talk about it. He loves me and says he knows this has to happen and he supports it. However, he's having a real hard time with the fact that we will never be able to have children together. This is something we both REALLY wanted. When we first got togther, I told him about my endometriosis and the doctors' predictions that it would be all but impossible for me to have children. I'm glad I was upfront with him about that, but I think he always believed his guys were so powerful they could beat any disease I might have. He hasn't said it, but I suspect he's also worried about how it will affect our sex life.

We're doing fine as a couple, but I have to admit that I'm worried about how to make this easier for him. Yes, I need to focus on me, but you know I can't help but worry about him, too.

Just to add icing on the cake, I think he's feeling guilty. He had been getting frustrated that I wasn't doing as much around the house as I used to and he didn't really understand how messed up my insides were. I understand that and it doesn't bother me but he seems to feel real bad that he wasn't more understanding.

Sooo....how have you approached this with your partner? Any suggestions?

Thanks!
Nancy

I am 8 weeks post-op and my husband struggled also. We have 3 children and were passed planning any more, but all that you listed were issues. It was difficult, but we have survived. He is able to talk about it more after the surgery than before. He says he was very anxious about me, but it was frustrating because I was anxious about it also. I was able to get support from my friends but I don't think his usual confidants were much use for this. I believe there is a part of the forum for letters to partners called "Dear Honey". You find it by clicking on the Forum Jump at the bottom of the page. Maybe there are some ideas there that will complement what others post in response to your question.
Good luck!
J

Thank you! I can so relate to what you are saying. It is frustrating because that's the person you expect the most support from.I know my fiance is more worried about me than he will verbally admit...I can see it in his eyes and in his reactions when he sees the pain spike. I am turning more to female friends on this one, and the board is really a godsend. I think he's having the same problem your hubby had with his "usual confidants". He's said he has a hard time talking about it, so he's really skirted the issue with them so far.

Your suggestion about the "Dear Honey" forum really struck a cord with me. I took a journal I bought him and wrote him a heartfelt letter. He watched and commented as I wrote and took the journal to read as soon as I had finished. I think that it brought him some peace. I'm so grateful for your suggestion.

-nan

Hi Nancy

Just as we as women often need to grieve the loss of our body parts and the possibility of having children, the men in our lives also need to grieve. It isn't easy to allow our selves to grieve when we know that what we grieve is what is truly the best for someone we love.

My husband was concerned about our post-op sex lives as well, and I tried to help him focus on the future and how much better it would be without me curling up in pain for days after we would have sex. That helped him see the surgery and early recovery as a temporary part of our lives.

I'm glad you've found the Dear Honey suggestion helpful. Sometimes, we just need it to be okay to express our feelings.

Hi nan !

I just wanted to say that the picture of your fiance watching you write in the journal and then reading it right away is so precious. Guys . You just have to love them !

Holly

Men have a very hard time when they can't just "fix" a problem. I know my hubby was very scared for me & worried about how things would be after the surgery but it all turned out fine. I had him go to the mister site so any questions he had would be answered there. He did great & I don't know what I would have done without him while I was in those first few weeks healing. Our sex life is back to normal. Just keep the communication lines open & you should be ok. My hubby did say that it helped him get through it when I gave him something he could "do". Yours might not be that way but mine liked to fix the problem. Or if I just wanted to vent I would tell him that is what I am doing. That I was not looking for a solution, just venting. That helped a lot. Best wishes.

i am so sorry for you both. I feel really blessed to have one child, but my husband is in grieving too...he really wanted more children and as he put it, "this is so final". He is also scared of losing me. Has only really discussed it with me once..not in depth, but his friend had opened up to me and told me that he talked to her about it and is really scared. All I can do is try to be strong- for both of them.

It's hard to when you are scared though, you know??