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fat & flawed in florida
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08-11-2005, 07:34 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 4
Hysterectomy: January 20th, 2005
Surgery Type: LAVH
Ovaries: Removed both
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fat & flawed in florida
i dont think i have ever been this depressed in my life. i am post op 29 weeks. lavhboar & bladder sling for stress incontinence on 20january. i need to vent, so thanks in advance for being here. dh started a business on 08november. dr appts started on 02november. i went to every appt by myself cause dh needed to be other places. i thought i was strong enough to handle all of this on my own. the road to diagnosis is a long one as we all know. colonoscopy, x rays, ct scans, pelvic exams, sonograms, daily pain, meds, constipation, sensitivity, you've all been there. i had pain & bleeding during & after 'relations' as well. and now that i am post op, i think i was better then. when the drs removed my everything, they took my sense of humor, libido, normalcy, short term memory, adoration for my dh, faith in the medical profession & gave me the ability to feel sorrier for myself than i have ever felt before. i feel like the world's hugest ingrate. my abdomen is ridged, scarred & assymetrical. my bladder is less controllable now than it was pre op. i am fat AND weak where i used to be slightly overweight yet strong. when i sneeze, i hurt. when i lift, i hurt. when i eat without chasing the meal with a laxative & i push the next day on the potty, i bleed. i now have to sleep only on my back because the discomfort in my kidney area has become horrible. i rise to pee no less than twice a night, sometimes every hour. i am tired. i am working a 25 hr/wk job. i am raising 2 wonderful children who have, unfortunately, had to rise to the necessity of helping their mother around the house before it should be their responsibility (they are 10 & 12). i am not on hormones. i have quit them because i was getting no assistance from my gyno in figuring the correct rx. i crave nothing. ... other than food for solace. i still sleep on a trundle bed in the livingroom because my sleep habits are so erratic & disruptive & i do not wish to disturb 'others'. i used to sneeze & pee, and cough & pee. now i kegel & pee. but i can sneeze & cough without pee. i have reconsummated the marriage 2x since being given the go ahead on 20march. i had to be drunk & it was still a torturous ordeal. i have reentered therapy & know i have a monstrously long way to go. at pre op they asked if i wanted info on a living will. i said that i wanted everybody on the planet to fight heaven & hell to keep me alive so a living will would not be necessary. i now want a living will & a car accident. i have been on ssri before & was worse. anti anxiety, too. this is the first time since discovering this site in november that i have had the courage to post here. i also have an ever-so-pleasant discharge every day that is slightly yellow, musocial, & non odiferous. this accompanies a slight bloody substance, which has forced me to wear a pad for a continuous 32 week period... and counting. a 32 week period. i thought that when one had a hysterectomy, the period was supposed to stop. the drs say that some people take longer to heel than other people... 29 weeks? i think i am forming a slight hostility to the medical profession. nothing that a big truck, an empty alley & no witnesses wouldnt take care of. i have become a truly ugly person, inside & out, psychologically & physically & i no longer know where to turn. suicide is NOT an option. i know that the HIGHER FORCE in my life will eventually get me through this & that i havent gone through anything by comparison to some. i also know that i should be grateful for my life & what's left of my sanity & that my children are alive, healthy & seemingly happy. i am. and yet... thanks for listening.
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08-11-2005, 07:42 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 44
Hysterectomy: August 1st, 2005
Surgery Type: TAH/SAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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fat & flawed in florida
Oh, Sweetie!
I recognize the sense of humor as you stand at the edge of the abyss. I'm only 10 days out, but have suffured depression all my life - I hear you. I feel you. I see you, & to me, you are not at all ugly - you are my beautiful sister.
The only thing you can count on is change. This, too, will change.
Many long, long hugs.
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08-11-2005, 07:49 AM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 358
Hysterectomy: April 1st, 2005
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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fat & flawed in florida
I am so sorry for your unhappiness. It does sound as if your dr.'s have let you down. You shouldent be having these problems to this extent.
I hope you are searching for a doc you can have faith & trust in.
I want to help, and just wish that I could give you a way to feel happy. If we could only reach out through this cyber world to at least touch you & let you know that you are so important to your family, your friends, and your universe. Please know that you have a family here, also, who understands and will always listen. Talk to us, let us help in anyway we can.
Much Love,
Carol
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08-11-2005, 08:35 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 1,579
Hysterectomy: June 29th, 2005
Surgery Type: TVH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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fat & flawed in florida
Oh my gosh - you need a huge HUG. I really think you need to find a doctor who will work with you - there is no way you should be having discharge this long post-op. Your lack of hormones when you are thrust into surgical menopause is very hard to deal with - Please see a new doctor. One of my friends (who has been through Breast Cancer) went through this last summer and she ended up on an anti-depressant rathar than the hormones and she is going great. My heart goes out to you. Take care and you do have friends here.
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08-11-2005, 08:53 AM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 45
Hysterectomy: May 23rd, 2005
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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fat & flawed in florida
Guygoyle,
You have a lot going on in your life that would be difficult for any of us to deal with. You feel betrayed by the very thing you agreed to do because you were hoping to improve your life--not make it worse. You absolutely have reasons why you need to be heard by your physician--and not just told it's all in your head. (Shame on anyone who has made you feel that way.) You need someone to take you VERY seriously about the pain and the peeing and the discharge and the bleeding and the constipation, etc. OK, so someone has a complication--heck, you have too many for it to be just in your head, if you ask me.
Sometimes the way certain people in medicine look at women makes me sick--like, the fact that they say, "Patient denies blah blah blah" is ridiculous. Yeah, yeah, I know that is just the medical model, that they write from the patient's denial rather than the patient's admission, but it is just that archaic approach that perpetuates the separation between doctor and patient (particularly women patients). My husband is a doctor and I have been through all of his experience that I ever could, involved in as much of the learning as I could (maybe one day I'll be able to go to med school myself if it is possible) and I can tell you that I've watched many physicians learn to toe the line who should be thinking way higher than what they were asked to think. Add to that the fact that most people entering medical school have never had that much life experience (compared to what we have when we have been through different stages of life) and you can see how easy it is to just learn the party line and never rethink your approach.
I know that one of my biggest peeves with the way most physicians are trained is that they cease wanting to learn outside the box once they have been fully indoctrinated and pimped to death during med school and residency. One of the things they learn to do is to NOT challenge authority (unless they want to get really reamed), which is absolutely counterproductive for developing new approaches and procedures. The outlyers are considered "weirdos" or quacks, until the mainstream finally accepts the research results and figures out that the outlyers are the reason advancements ever get made at all. (For example, had it not been for the doctors who began writing about Metabolic Syndrome/Syndrome X years ago, nobody would be taking that seriously--and now it even has its own ICD-9 code.) What I would say to you, my dear, is that you need an outlyer--or at least someone who will not only hear what you are saying, but not be so good old boy in attitude that s/he will not have to uphold Dr. X to you.
I am not saying the next doctor should be criticizing this present doctor, but I am saying that the next doctor you see SHOULD be saying, "Well, let's see what we can do to get you feeling much much better physically because it sounds like there are some definite physical symptoms that are absolutely going to affect ANYone psychologically! Don't worry, I would feel the same way if I were handling what you are handling!" THEN you will know that you are being heard, and not just so that a new Rx for Paxil can be written. One of the things that has happened since the introduction of SSRIs is that they become the quick fix--don't get me wrong, I am all for SSRIs as a mode of therapy, and indeed, you may want to be on one for a while during the time you are straightening out all this crap with your body--but they are not the fix-all that so many doctors, including newly minted ones, want to think they are. Women around the country can tell you that their doctors want to give them Lexapro or Celexa for all their hormonal issues. Sure, those are both excellent medications, but they are not cure alls for what ails you. Sometimes surgery affects our endocrine system in ways that we didn't anticipate. Just because.
I don't want to expound on all this stuff any longer; I am sure I have frightened off or irritated some readers or bored others to death by now. BUT. What I do want to say is that you need to take yourself seriously (and this is from a woman whose husband wants to discount EVERYTHING I ever ask about, symptom-wise, because he is sure I am just a hypochondriac. Talk about the indoctrination process having worked in him--he even disbelieves his own wife.) So, take yourself seriously. I know that it is all too easy for us to defer to the professional when we go in with symptoms that are bugging us on a daily basis, and the doctor says, "Well, everything is normal. Have you thought about counseling?" and we sit there like idiots going, "well, yeah, i have thought about talking to someone about it..." and in the back of our mind we are screaming, "LIKE YOU, FOR EXAMPLE--I THOUGHT I WOULD TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT BUT APPARENTLY YOU KNOW MY BODY BETTER THAN I DO SO I GUESS I JUST HAVE TO SHUT UP!"
Ya know????? So, make a list. Write down your concerns. Don't apologize. Lay it out. Take it to your doctor and be BRAVE. Say, "Dr. X, there are some things that are significantly affecting my quality of life, and I am not able to ignore them or discount them any longer. I would like your help in addressing them." If it is too hard for you to say it, then put it in writing and give it to him/her to read when you go for an appointment. You will know, by the response/reaction, whether you need to move on and find someone else.
I wish I could help solve your medical problems for you, but for now, just know that this really IS a safe place to post and nobody is going to tell you to stay warm and eat hearty if you are cold and hungry. We are going to try to help you find the help you need, even if that is only by encouraging you to keep looking for it.
Best wishes to you. Keep us posted!
NEone
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08-11-2005, 01:24 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 4
Hysterectomy: January 20th, 2005
Surgery Type: LAVH
Ovaries: Removed both
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fat & flawed in florida
this morning when i wrote the above post, i felt pretty ___ (insert rhyming word here). i cried... a lot. now that i have come back & read your responses, i feel better. i still cry, but for better reasons. thank you, wudswumnnm, cazcan, bowlinggrl & neone. you have made me feel so much less horrible. neone, you read my mind when vocalizing your inner voice. are there really so many of us out there that are deifying the nonchalance of our physicians & villifying our own feelings? i say we get the torches & head up to the castle.... but with my luck, the hot oil would never wash out of my hair. (for answers to questions, watch Frankenstein) thank you SO much for all of your input. maybe if i had posted sooner, i might not have fallen so far. to everybody out there... post NOW, no matter how you feel. there are people out there, or in here, who may have words of encouragement & wisdom. thank you, thank you, thank you.
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08-11-2005, 01:36 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 11
Hysterectomy: May 23rd, 2005
Surgery Type: SAH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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Will it get better?
Girl, I can relate! It is now almost 12 weeks post-op and I don't feel wonderful. The surgery went well, I healed fine, no outstanding problems now like you have. My heart goes out to you! BUT, I'm mean nasty, fat, and don't really like anyone, including DH or DS. I thought the surgery would make me have more energy, but alas no way. The nurse practictioner suggested iron, which hasn't helped. Maybe I need HRT, but they did leave my ovaries, and want me to wait at least 3 months to see if they kick in again. I had a crying jag last Saturday (something I rarely do) and it didn't make me feel better, just worried the DH. I know we will get thru this, but we need support, moral and otherwise. Good luck, and rest assured you are not alone!
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08-11-2005, 01:57 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 1,131
Hysterectomy: March 2nd, 2005
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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fat & flawed in florida
Guygoyle,
I am sending you a great big and hope that you find a dr who will listen to you and give you some guidance. I wish we could "fix" everything for you and make it all go away, but you know that we can't do that. So, we are here, lending lots of shoulders...I am feeling fat and frumpy today.
We will get through this, and someday I hope you will be able to look back on this as a distant memory. Take care and please remember your sisters are here for you, day or night. Let us know how things are going.
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08-11-2005, 02:28 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 87
Hysterectomy: June 3rd, 2005
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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fat & flawed in florida
You're in my prayers.
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