Now I feel worse

Yesterday I posted about hw I feel like I have no support. Well I emailed my MIL yesterday (which I cannormally tell her anything and she emails me back all these sweet emails) but not this time. Her email seemed harsh.

I was telling her all about my DH (which I normally do, cause she knows he can be a big pain and has never had a prob with it before) not taking those extra days off and me not having any help.

Well here is part of her email. "Get over the panic attack! Everything will work out! And I'm sure when it comes time, your folks and us are smart enough, we can figure a way to get the boys where they need to be. You don't need to plan every step of the way. We can figure out some things by ourselves ... like when you told me about the email you wanted me to send out... right down to the subject line and what to put in the body of the letter and oh, yes, send you a copy, also."

OK so far no one is telling me anything or telling me they don't know how they can help or they don't know if they can. Yes I need to plan everything. They are my kids and I would feel better knowing ahead of time. Also about the email. The last time I had surgery, she sent an email out and all it said was Kim is fine, not when she will be home or anything. So just of my friends got a little upset. So since I will be in the hospital, I asked her to email them with how the surgery went (this is what they wanted to know) how I was doing, what room I will be in and so forth, and I askedher to send me any replies and the copy she sent, becuase in my journal, I would like to keep them, kinda of a self therapy thing.

Then she told me that I was whining and being selfish and I need to give my dh a break, cause he was having a hard time as well.

Maybe she is right about everything, but I need sympothy and suppport not a harsh email, or am I taking everything the wrong way.

I replied back and told her I was sorry if I offended her and why I asked her to put the specifics in the emai and send me a copy and then told her that I did not need that kind of response and what I had needed, and now I think I have started something.

My MIL can be a total you know what,she can be supportive, but I lost trust in her when I was pregnant with my last, everything that went wrong, she blamed on me, said I was not taking care of myself...Ok you can stop an incompetent cervix nor a low iron, but it was all my fault. And when she found it was a boy, she said not another stupid boy, when I found out I was pregnang, she wa not even happy, never talked about it. Then I got mad at here, cause Derrick was 3 months old and hungry and I had him on a schedule and she was holding him telling him I was a mean and rotten mom and that I should let him hae his food when ever he wanted. Then as he got older, she hardly ever saw him, if she did, we went over there and then she never paid him any attention. I confronted her one day and told her I did not thik she was being a grandma, ooh that made her mad. I also ecxplained to her that as Derrick got older, if she did not spend time with him now, then he would not want to with her,when he got older. Adn tat is what is happening. Derrick does not mind going over ther, cause he loves his grandpa, but he has nothing to do with her, he cries, if she comes around and he wil nothug or kiss her and I can't help to think it was b/c of the way she way earlier in his life. Now I don't even want them watching him while I have my surgery.

Oh that is another thing. This surgery and my last, she siad she couldnot watch him and my mom was wanting to be there with me, after all I am her daughter. Well I found out that she was gonna go to the hospital instead, so I asked her since she was gonan be up to go to the hospital, that my momand dad really wanted to be there and could she watch Derrick. She said she guesses, that she wanted to be there to support her son. Which I understand, but I also know that my mom would feel the same way, but that if it was her sone in there,my mom would keep Derrick so she could go.

We have bumped heads on many occasions and now I feel we are doing it agian, yes I am emotional and everything and taking everything to heart right now.....UGH

Hi Kim..
I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry your hubby and MIL are acting like such boobs over this. Nobody would EVER expect the husband to take care of small children after a major surgery but somehow people think that women should be able to do it. You deserve much more help and support than you are being offered in my opinion. I don't have any words of wisdom for you but I just wanted to let you know I'm pulling for you.

I am so sorry for you troubles. I used to have all those huge emotions over my in-laws and did a lot of complaining to my hubby about them. He also had issues with them, but after a few years of my complaining, he said, "I know they have problems, they are neurotic, but he is my dad, and I have to love him. Can you try to come to terms with that?" So then I realized I'd better not complain to him, he was too close. After that things got a lot better, I would still get mad, but complain to a friend and not make my hubby feel so bad.

And this site is a good place to complain.

About all the worries about letting your friends know, your kids care, etc. I suggest just planning the best you can, take a deep breath and let it all go. If you left tomorrow and ran away from home, all would be taken care of in some way! People are amazing and even the selfish neurotic ones are known to come through in times of need. You won't be able to do it all, so you will just have to tell them you can't and won't. Ask friends to watch your son, use a day care-he will be busy and have fun stuff to do, and you will get rest. Your friends- lots of them want to help and don't know how.

When my hubbie was in the hospital for 2 months 1500 miles from our home, my friends came through and took my children into their homes for a month. First I had asked my sister but she couldn't or wouldn't do it. My shrink at the time (I was very depressed) said that just because they are family doesn't mean they have to want to help, and to look towards my friends or church. That helped a lot with the anger I felt toward my sister. Later I realized she had her own demons and just couldn't be available.

This is starting to sound like a lecture-I don't mean that at all. I think it is perfectly normal to be very very angry that people won't do what you want. You can reach down inside yourself and find the courage to say-I won't be able to watch my son for at least 3 weeks, maybe longer. Help me figure this out.

I have in-law issues also. My mil said she wanted to watch my kids and hubby (she still thinks he's 6) while I am in the hospital. She is very controlling and I knew the kids would not be happy about it. My sister also said she would help out but, really wanted to be at the hospital.. well, I asked my sister to stay with the kids and told my mil I appreciated her offer but, no thanks. I just knew that if there was any chance my kids were unhappy I would worry myself sick the whole time and at that time I'm gonna have enough to worry about. I would suggest if your son gets along better with your mother than your husbands, maybe she could watch him. I know she probably wants to be at the hospital, but after your surgery you'll be so out of it you probably won't even know she's there. She could always bring your son and visit after the surgery. Just a thought. I hope things work out I know right now we need all the support we can get. God Bless.