ok...now it's official i feel a real failure....

Well today has been terrible....i had a little cry at work....once i started i couldn't stop. Does anyone else have that feeling?
I feel like i've got a huge wave of tears inside my chest, and if i let them out it will be like a huge tidal wave that just knocks me off my feet and i may never pick myself up again.

I feel such a failure. I can't help it.....i know this is not my fault....BUT i still feel it.

Went over to visit aunt, and was again confronted with pregnant cousin's wife. She will be there for Christmas dinner tomorrow. AND she's had her first scan today. AND she's bringing the scan photo tomorrow....it's "part of my aunt's christmas present" as she informed me! God i can't wait.

I feel so bad not being able to be happy for her. Jen is lovely and i really like her, but inside i'm crying. I just can't seem to raise a smile about this, and i feel such a horror for having these thoughts.
I feel so angry i could *punch* somebody really hard...and that doesn't really fit in with the ethos of this season does it??

God how can i feel like this at Christmas? Happiest time of the year isn't it????? Not for me i can tell you! But i'm holding on to the thought that in 12 months time it will all be over.....and i'll be on the road to recovery....can't wait! :cry:

Anyway, thanks for the support....dont know what i'd do without this board to sound off to, and everyone to hear from...it's nice to know i'm not alone!

Thanks
Blade

Hang in there, don't they realise how insensitive they're being?
Are they just so wrapped up in their world they don't see you.......
Could anyone have a discrete word about your sadness?
Do what you can and make an excuse to get away if you can't cope, I'm sure when they think about it they'll realise how hard it is for you this year.
Take care,
s
Vicky

Here is a big ! I am sorry that your cousin is caught up in their own life. I know that it is hard for someone to understand not being able to bear their own child. My bestfriend is in your shoes. This year she has been blessed with 2 adopted boy 5 months apart. She did the fostercare to adopt. All I can say is hang in there, and if it gets to much at once try leaving into another room it can help to get your emotions together.

I hope you can manage to have a Merry Christmas!

Oh, ((((((((((((Blade))))))))))

Lot's and lots of hugs to you. Although it is a joyful time for the cousin, it is so tactless to crow on about it to one who is grieving.

Heartfelt prayers winging your way.

I just wish I could give you a big hug. I have kinda sorta been in your shoes. I have lost 2 children and it was soooo hard for me to see or be around someone with a baby. I was so jealous. Right after I lost my daughter my sister has one and boy did that hurt! I wanted to be happy for her but it was sooo hard. The only thing that will help is time. I am not saying it is the same pain but to carry one 9 months and then have to give it up is totally horrible. It has been 30 years now and I still well up with tears on occassion so it is normal to feel extra sensitive. I pray you will somehow get through this time and people will be tactful. By the way I did adopt a 10 month old baby boy who is now 29yrs. old and has given me much joy. Ya just never know what might be in store for you. You will feel better in time I promise.

It hurts me to know that your family is so insensative to your "situation". I wish my arms would cross the big pond to give you support during this time.

A similar situation happened in my family where my next youngest sister who wanted children lost a child one month after my youngest (teenage and unwed) sister became pregnant did deliver a healthy girl (and two years later a boy). The pain my middle sister went through watching her (our) youngest sister's child rearing was very plain to see. I will be honest and tell you that it took four years for the two sisters to really like being in each others company.

I agree with the other's observation that your family is appearing to be very insensative to your plight. Your comment about feeling badly during Christmas did cause me to pause. May I offer an alternate view and possibly help with the stress?

Is is possible the family is trying to focus on the pregnancy to create a positive "light" during your time of pain? Does the family have a history of not dealing with difficult situations in the past? Most imporantly (and I ask this with a great deal of respect and love) are you trying to be "Strong" and keep your feelings inside around the family and not let them know just how truly hurt and heartbroken you truly are?

This time of year is extremely difficult for many people. Speaking personally, the third week of November (Thanksgiving in US) until the second week of January is a time of H#LL for me. The stress of knowing that I will have to be subjected to nosey relatives and their questions about what I consider a VERY private and personal matter (procreation) makes my blood boil. Please do not allow the end of this year cloud your view of the future. There are many people who understand your pain and want to help.

I know that it does not appear to be so but there really is a beautiful rainbow at the end of every storm. You can get through this! I know you can!

If all else fails, politely excuse yourself from the situation. Or smile and make them wonder what you have up your sleeve!

Please keep in touch!
Unt Bunny

When you are there tomorrow, just remember lots of us have been in your shoes, and we are sending you lots of hugs!
My uterus has finally grown something successfully -- fibroids!

Hold your chin up high! YOU are not a failure! I would say the failures are your cousins who have definitely failed in the "being sensitive to others" department. Take a deep breath and try not to let them ruin your day.

Hang in there! You are in our prayers!

((((Blade))))

You most certainly are not alone darlin....you have all your sisters here to lay your fears, worries and concerns on. We will do our best to help you get through this difficult time for you.

You have every right to feel the way you do and no one should expect anything different.

Is there anyone you can talk to there....a family member....that you can tell how you are feeling about everything that is going on that can be there to help deal with the family celebrating about the new arrival while you excuse yourself?

You know that if I could, I would be there in a heartbeat...so would all your other sisters too.

I am so sorry that your family is being this way.

Right after I had my surgery earlier this year, I found out my SIL is going to have their 5th new arrival, due in May they think. I will see them tomorrow, of course and this weekend at the family reunion. Not everyone knows about my hyst I am sure but I do have a certain amount of ambivilance about everything right now too. It is really hard for me to get into any celebrating about anything either. But then again, alot has happened this year for us too.

I realize your family is happy about the baby comming but they also need to know how you feel too and have some compassion, understanding and respect for you.

You are no where near a failure hon. I know it is hard, but please try to believe that.

Even tho I do not know you personally, you are a very beautiful person, inside and out, no matter what. Dont let anyone ever try to make you feel any different.
You have a lot to offer this world and you are worth very much to so many people, including all of us here.

Someone needs to tell your family....It may even have to be you to get them to understand.

I hope things go ok for you. Please keep us posted. We are here for you anytime.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Many s

You know sometimes I don't quite agree with the way that God does some things. I mean there are people out there that can't even take care of themselves and they procreate like crazy and the child ends up in really bad ways and they just keep having children.

There are times that I regret not having children with my SO but it was not meant to be along with the two miscarriages that I had in the past. There are times that I really miss that I haven't been a mother but God has a plan for all of us and just haven't found out what your plan is. If being with your family members start to bother you, then maybe a walk with someone that you love or just by yourself to talk to the man upstairs might be the right thing.

Sometimes you don't know why family can be sooooo insensitive but they can be and if they get to you I would just tell them how you feel. Maybe they will realize they are being insensitive.

I hope things go okay for you and I will keep you in my prayers during the holiday season. Things are going to be right I know that it will....


TAH/BSO 8/20/02 for fibroids & endo
On Vivelle dot 0.1mg for hrt and doing well thank you.

{{{{{{{Blade}}}}}}

I am so saddened and sorry for what you are going thru right now.
I hope that you can talk to someone in your family who will understand, and in turn they can mention to your family how you are feeling and that sensitivity is what is called for.

Realy Blade I hope that the holidays get a little better for you. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
Karen