Mother-in-law is making this tough for me....

First of all, thank you so much for this amazing site! I find myself coming to it more and more lately.

I just found out yesterday that my TAH date needs to be postponed from the original November 16th to at least December 7th due to an infection in my uterus. I had a conization in September and have had many complications just from that, but that's another story...

I've had some time to accept the fact that I will soon be having surgery (my first ever), but my dilemma is handling my mother-in-law. The change in surgery date means a change in many post-surgery plans with help. She is very helpful with my young children (I have been blessed with five) but she feels that we will not possibly be able to manage without her (my mom is coming to stay with me, my husband's schedule is flexible, and many friends have offered to help wherever necessary), so she is talking about cancelling her plans to spend 6 weeks with her daughter and grandchildren who live 3000 miles away, a trip she's been planning for 6 months. She has been conjuring up every possible negative outcome as reason to stay home and it is creating fears in my mind that I thought I had come to terms with. I know she means well and truly cares about my well-being as well as the childrens', but she can be so negative! How can I assure her that we have this post-op stuff under control and how can I keep from feeling that all of my plans are inadequate? How can I stop feeling this guilt, because I really think she's going to stay home. This trip is important and I want her to go. I know how to take care of my own children and I know my mom and husband can get us through this. I've tried to tell her all of this but it doesn't seem to be heard. Any advice?

Talk to her. Tell her how much you appreciate everything she's wanting to do for you, but also tell her that the "conjuring" she's doing is stressing you out and ask that she please not discuss it in front of you if she feels she has to continue discussing it.

Don't cut her completely out of everything post-op. She obviously loves you if she's wanting to help care for you. As to the trip she's thinking of canceling, let her know that there's going to be a lot of things, for a very long time, that she can do to help and that there will still be plenty for her to do when she returns from her trip. Have you called your SIL and discussed this with her? I don't know what your relationship is with SIL, but it would be awful for her to think her mom is canceling her visit because of you.

Hello there!

O.k., even if your mom-in-law means well, it sounds like she's causing you extra stress at a time when you definitely don't need it. Perhaps it's time your husband had a chat with her to set her straight and assure her concerning the new circumstances. After all, she's his mother, and she might accept things differently coming from him.

Just a thought . . . Hope things get squared away for you! Best of luck with everything!

Hugs!
monami

Thank you for the suggestion to contact my SIL. I just got off the phone with her and explained everything, and I'm so glad I did!! Had her mom called first, she said she would have insisted that she stay home! Now that I've assured her that we will be alright, hopefully she will reinforce this with her mom. My husband plans to talk with her as well tomorrow. I hope she will listen.

Regarding her negativity (which is always her nature), I will have to let her know that it really doesn't help me when she talks this way.

I am so glad you are all out there. As my date draws nearer it is reassuring to know there is so much support.

Even if some of what she says unnerves you, I would present an especially calm unworried front in her presence. Just smile as if you know for sure every possible contingency is covered and you have absolutely no worries whatsoever. This "mental armor" might deflect the negativity. Then, if you should experience doubt or anxiety, get reassurance - from anyone but her!

What a nice problem to have. A relative is TOO helpful! Best wishes to you and I hope to see you on the boards.

Love, Janet