DH say mental illness

I'm 6 weeks post op and my dh doesn't understand that I'm still low on stamina and high on emotions. He told me yesterday that crying in the middle of the day for no real reason is not "normal" and perhaps I should request a stronger antidepressant along with my Premarin. He told me this morning that even though my doc says I'm not mentally ill, I'm going through sudden menopause, that by his standards (he's a PhD in Educational Psychology) I probably am. I'm 34 and have been thrown suddenly and completely into something that most women go through much later in life and slowly. Jerk. Believe it or not, he means well, but it makes me feel less than good about myself. Sometimes there is such a thing as too much information.

I am so sorry that you were made to feel poorly. I think that men just don't have a clue sometimes what hormones actually do and how much of an affect they have on our bodies and minds. I don't think any amount of education in psychology can replace the actual real life experience of what hormones are all about.

Perhaps your DH needs to be gently reminded that those sorts of comments aren't as helpful as he may think they are. He may just be concerned about your mental health, and may need to be reminded of more supportive ways to have his concerns known.

Good luck, I hope you feel better soon.

I just wanted to reassure you that you are not mentally ill.... your circumstances are all very situational .... you just had major surgery and our mind and bodies are not separate from each other.... one affects the other. Be kind and gentle on yourself...self care is most imprortant!! I think too often as women, we push away our emotions and tell ourselves that we "shouldn't" be feeling this way.... give yourself permission to feel the feelings..... and don't "should" on yourself.
As for DH, I would encourage him to keep his diagnosing at the office... or where ever he works and hopefully he can support and just accept you for where you are at right now... things will get better... hang in there sister.

I am so sorry . . . . your husband should know that he is way too close to this sitation to be making a diagnosis and in my opinion this is not helping you, so he needs to be more supportive of how you are feeling and what you have been through! I am certain that if the situation was reversed and he had the surgery he would have quite a different perspective! You are only 6 weeks post-op and this is way too early for him to conclude that you are mentally ill. He should realize that your body is still trying to adjust physically and emotionally. It does take time and we all respond differently to surgery (and I think most here will tell you that at 6 weeks you have a right to still feel a little under . . . I'm almost 5 months and still have bad days . . . I'm afraid what he'd diagnose me as !

Disclaimer here . . . (this is not a man bashing here)! BUT, my personal experience also tells me that men just don't really get all of this (and really can't because they haven't experienced what we have as women). My husband has tried to be patient, but just wants everything better NOW and can get a little frustrated because he wants our life back to normal again. Life back to normal means that I will be the superwomen I used to be . . . . the kids will be taken care of, the house will be clean, dinnner will be on the table, I will be there for him emotionally and physically and attentive to all his needs! Did I mention a full time job in there and all the kids activities? My husband is BTW very sweet, senstive, and supportive, but like most men I think they just want to be taken care of and they want everything around them to be taken care of and we are usually a little better at doing that.

Please take care of yourself and tell yourself that you will give your body, mind, and spirit time to heal without feeling like you are "mentally ill." If truly, your husband feels like you are depressed and YOU feel that you are depressed then maybe you should discuss your feelings with your doctor who probably can be a little bit more objective about all this . . . possibly something is going on medically or you just need to adjust hormones?

Also, remember you can always come here to vent . . . and your sisters will always be here for you!

jmw

A therapist once told me that 90% of what people tell you is really about themselves. Maybe he is scared and feels out of control because he is a psychcologist and cannot help you. I know that doen'e excuse his behavior but sometimes when someone reallly gets under my skin I try when I calm down to look for teh intention behind the behavior. I think men (pardon the generalization) want to fix things immediately and when they can't they feel helpless. Wouldn't it be nice and easy if another little pill would fix you? And wouldn't you like that rather than suffering and trying to manage all the sudden changes in your body and your life. Maybe you can order the new book in the hyster sisters store on surgical menopause and leave it in a prominent place in your house ( like on his pillow ).
I live with a reg. sgt. maj of the rangers and sometimes he forgets he is not in the army any more. I realized that he is terrified because he cannot just bark an order and gets things done. He has seen so many horrific things in his life that to feel out of control and sit with the fact that he might lose me is almost impossible. He was at the hospital for my surgery but could not visit me there.
I am sorry your feelings were hurt. I know my emotions are rather raw these days too. Trust what you know about yourself and I trust if things do get too difficult you will go to your dr. That does not mean you are mentally ill it just means your are going through a rough patch. I wish you well and will keep you both in my thoughts.


Marg

Sherlock, sometimes we need to be very explicit when explaining what we need to those we are closest to. Saying something like "I need hugs and patience from you, and not your diagnosis. I do hear what you are saying, but my crying is not a rare or unexpected response to my situation."

It's very easy for folks with training and experience to fall into trying to fix the problems for the people they are close to. I don't know about you, but I don't need my DH to fix me, I need him to love me, listen to me, and allow me a bit of space.

I'm 8 weeks post-op and still working to improve my stamina. My doctor told me to expect between 6 months and a year for full recovery. I am seeing improvement, and you do need to discuss things with your doctor if you are not improving.

It may take awhile to get your hormones adjusted. Keep working with your doctor. I hope things even out for you soon!

I just felt that I needed to clarify something about my husband. He has a PhD in Educational Psychology , which means everything he knows pertains to how and why students learn in some ways and don't in others and how to work with them. It's not like he's a "real"
psychologist, even though he sometimes acts like he thinks he is....

Thanks for all your advice and input.
You'll never know how much I appreciate it.

Husbands aside, could it be that your dosage of Premarin needs an upgrade?

Emotional outbursts can be a sign of menopause, as well as depression.

As for your dh, perhaps you could just point out to him that his job is to provide support, and when you need a medical diagnosis you'll see a doctor.

Heavens, if all of us who burst into tears were mentally ill, well, I don't suppose there are enough institutions out there to hold us all!

HollyK
(whose dh is dealing with a wife in surgical menopause and 2 kids in puberty, and knows enough to back quietly out the room when hormones start flying!)

I'm currently taking the highest dose of Premarin. I already had hormonal issues long before my surgery and my doc said he would rather back off my dosage than start me too low and prolong my suffering. It just scares me that I'm not myself yet. I'm sick of not feeling in control of my emotions. Also, I do think my husband's response to my difficulties is because he doesn't understand it and he can't fix it.

Sherlock

My DH and I had to have a rather heated and long discussion concerning his need to "Mature UP" and be my partner and help me through all this. His constantly picking at me about not being myself and how his needs weren't being met finally got the best of me. And a man who's expecting to be pampered by a hormonal, recovering woman is a situation that will probably explode eventually. *punch*

He did admit to being selfish and unrealistic in his expectations and agreed that he would back off and just accept me for how I was on whatever particular day. I am on Premarin 1.25 and am still having good days and bad days, but they are starting to level out. I'm pretty much over the weepyness but am still a little short on patience.

In a calmer discussion he also admitted to being frustrated and stressed too because he didn't know how to help me. We both agreed to try to be kinder and gentler with each other. So far things are better and having so much less stress has made things much easier on us both.