Little support

I am wondering if any "sisters" have had the same problem that I am having with my husband. He has always put work first, and has given me little support throughout our marriage (25 yrs). When he found out that I had to have a TAH he told me to have it on a Wednesday so that he will be able to stay home with me on Sat and Sun (his days off most of the time). He acts like my health problems are an inconvenience to him. My fear is that I may need him with me the following week (surgery 6-4, Wednesday, just like he asked) and if he has to stay with me he is going to make me feel guilty. I can just picture him rolling his eyes and breathing deep sighs because he has to stay with his recovering wife. Sarcastic outbursts will come next. As it is, my mother is staying with me in the hospital. My daughter had a baby 6 weeks ago and as much as she would like to help me the baby takes up most of her time. I know I can't change my husband, but if anyone has had a similar situation maybe I won't feel so alone. Any support would be much appreciated.

My husband is very involved with his work and is often inaccessible to me when I really need him. His attitude is different than your husband's, but the solution might be similar. When I really need help I hire somebody to come in for awhile because it's too stressful on my husband to ask him to do more than he's able to do. You may not need any personal care by the end of the weekend, or you might want someone to help you shower and dress. For sure it would be helpful to have somebody help with meals and housework for a few weeks. And if you pay somebody to do it they won't roll their eyes or make rude comments about you or anything else.

Hi

I have a husband who is busy with work too! He doesn't act like your dh, but I didn't want to use up his vacation time taking care of me so I did something that turned out to be really good

I asked my friends and people from my church to come and help with different things. I was scared to do it at first, but they were all so glad to have a concrete way to help - I was really surprised.

I made up a list of things that needed to be done (including helping me bath-which I really was uncomfortable with, but it turned out fine) and just asked people to help fill in the slots.

My husband was so glad that I would have people taking care of me when he couldn't be there that he helped me design a special Thank You card for all those who helped. Later on this summer, we are going to have a picnic for all those who helped!

Just an idea, but it might help in your situation.

Big

Patty

My DH is willing to go to my appts. and will be taking off two weeks to stay home with me. Luckily we both have tons of vacation saved up after working for the same place for 30 years. (We both work for the same dept). He will even let me buy anything I want to make things easier for me (and him). But...I know that when he's home with me all he'll do is watch tv and do work stuff on his lap top. He won't do any housework and I'll probably have six weeks of dishes to do when I go back to work. He can't even boil water, can only microwave, so I'm going to make ALL my dinners ahead of time and freeze so hopefully he can at least do that. I'm the one who does all the work around the house and yard now so I doubt that will change, it just won't get done. I'll be lucky if he empties the trash cans.
I'm not comfortable with anyone else coming in to help so we'll manage somehow.
Good luck.

My DH was also of little help when I had my TAH/BSO. After all, this was my third abdominal surgery in four years, I should pretty much know what to expect. (Emergency c-section & laparotomy) He did stay home and not travel the first week, but after that I was on my own. Take your pain meds when you need them. Buy plenty of frozen dinners before hand. After you are home from the castle you will be able to stand long enough to pop a frozen dinner in the microwave or fix a piece of toast or bowl of cereal. Try instant oatmeal and cans of soup. Anything that you can fix relatively quickly. I would start the microwave and then sit down to rest for a few minutes. Then get my meal out of the microwave and set it on the coffee table or night stand. I would rest again. Then I would get up and fix my drink. Individual water bottles would be a good idea also.

Just a few hints...think of anything that you can do beforehand to make things easier on yourself afterwards. You will be much more mobile than you think now. Just the first few days home are the roughest. Two and three weeks post op I would go out to lunch with friends or to a movie. Sitting upright is the worst part. Make sure to get up and walk and the soreness will go away much quicker.

I bought one of those "grabbers" - they are about 2 feet long and the jaws on it can grab anything from a bottle of water to the remote to my little chap stick. I found it extremely useful in the hospital and at home to move my blankets up and down - especially the hospital because temps change so much and I found also found sometimes i was freezing and something very hot.

Visitors love to play with it too....it cost me about $10 Canadian at a drug store.

It is good that you are thinking ahead and know your husband so well. My husband is quite a bit the same. The only day he took off work was the day of surgery. Then by 5 p.m. that day he was chomping at the bit to leave the hospital "because all I was doing was sleeping anyway." I told him "fine, leave." I didn't see him again until I got home the next day. (My neighbor works at the hospital and I bummed a ride from her) I wasn't supposed to be left alone for the first 24-48 hours but, you guessed it, I was totally alone. No big surprise there, right? I wasn't a bit surprised by any of his behavior; he wasn't supportive when I went back to school after we were married for 15 years or when our 3 kids were born or when I had my gallbladder out His way of handling stuff like this is to work harder at work or do yardwork. Our lawn looks absolutely wonderful right now! But when things get back to "normal" his perception of my surgery and recovery will be that he was so helpful and totally there for me. He just has a funny way of showing it, I guess. That's ok, I will show him the same support if he ever needs it.

WOW, I can understand all that was said... My DH complains constantly about helping me and doing things around the house. My parents came to be with me during the surgery and they stayed with us for 1 1/2 weeks so my DH could work. He stayed with our 2 children the day of my surgery and the next few days. I have a 6 yr old daughter and a 4 1/2 yr. old son and he has special needs. He doesn't walk yet and is blind so he needs alot of care of course lifting and he is about 40 lbs. My DH is cleaning the house right now because we have a babysitter coming in a few days this week after the kids get out of school to lift my son for me..I showed my DH the pictures from the webstile www.pelvic floor.com and all he said was "COOL"..... He is taking the first week of June off because I still won't be able to lift my son but that's the way it goes. He will just have to deal with it!!! We have been married for 18 yrs. and I have been through a lot with him also!!!

Jana
TAH on 5/8/03 with left ovary removed, large fibroids,cysts, anemia, terrible adominal and back pain.All gone now