adoption fell through

This last week has been one of the worst of my life.

We have been planning for some time to adopt. I was unable to concieve and carry a child due to severe endo and fibroids. My hysterectomy in April sort of put a punctuation mark on the fact that, of course, now I'll never be able to do this.

We were matched with a birthmother, however, last fall, through a very reputable adoption lawyer, and supported her financially through the last seven months of her pregnancy. In fact, my husband talked with her (through the lawyer) 2 weeks ago, and she was asking if we were excited, (we were, as was our entire extended family and friends....this was to have been the first grandchild on my husband's side of the family), and she even asked us if we wanted to be there for the birth. We did.

Then, later that week, she took off for another state, where she had the baby, and presumably, is still there with him. We don't have any ability to get in touch with her, unless she chooses to call our lawyer. We found this out by traveling 300 miles to meet with her last Monday, at her request, only to find out after sending the lawyer's social worker over to her mother's house that she'd had the baby two days before. Her mother is not giving any contact information to the lawyer.

So, at this point we feel incredibly taken advantage of. I would have cried my eyes out if she'd said, "well, I've decided I can't go through with this, and want to keep the baby", but she hasn't said THAT, either, at least to her mother.

This is a woman (26...NOT a kid, also has a 6 year old) who has no job, no money, no insurance, and no partner in her life as far as we know. She is apparently staying with her ex-in laws, who she claims don't know that she'd made an adoption plan for her baby, and she doesn't want to tell them. Right....pretty dysfunctional, of course, but the truth is MANY birthmothers are....after all, if they were capable of making decisions based on good information, and cared about the impact of their decisions on others, she wouldn't have been having unprotected sex as the single mother of a six year old.

To say my husband and I are heartbroken, and feel taken advantage of in every way possible is the understatement of the millenium.

Addtionally, of course, I feel upset and guilty that we even have to rely on a process like this to have a family....our infertility was always my problem, not his, and having the hysterectomy sort of underscores my inability to give my husband the gift of a family. My husband, actually, is wonderful....has NEVER said anything like that to me, in fact, has told me often that I'm the only woman he wants or ever wanted to be the mother of his children....I'm the one that feels bad.

We've gone through difficult times before, we're in our mid forties, and have been married almost 20 years, so our relationship has weathered more than it's fair share of negatives. My mother's death 2 years ago, our home flooding almost immediately after that....both those were bad, but we got throught. This is tougher.

We have no legal rights. My husband is a very good lawyer, knows many others that specialize in family law, and we have no choice but to just let this happen. This is also a very hard, bad aspect to it.

Anyway. Just venting. There's not anything anyone can do. It's possible, I suppose, that this birthmother may change her mind, but I think that's less likely as time goes by. The baby was born a week ago Saturday. To say that our Father's Day was tough on us yesterday is a severe understatement.

We're lucky to have supportive friends and family, and a good relationship. We don't worry about the material stuff, and are very comfortable in that regard. My husband has his career to sort of focus on and get him through, but I don't work, and it's been tough trying find some things to hang on to and get me through this. I'll manage, I always have, but I still don't see how.

Melissa

Melissa,

I'm so sorry to hear you've had this experience. You must feel pretty helpless on top of everything else. Even if birthmother shows up with child now you won't trust the situation. You have every right to feel hurt and angry. I do think it's hard for any woman to know how she's going to feel about giving up a baby until it actually happens, however, and this woman may well have had the best of intentions.

Of course you'll make it through this and hopefully you will eventually have some happy news.

I am so sorry for your loss dear. I never could have any of my own but now I have 3 foster children that I will soon adopt. This is a sibling group. They are 1,3,4 years old. It has been hard because these kids were taken away from the mother from the state. She is 21 now. They had been neglected and did not even have electricity. It was our option and it has been very hard but we have had them 18 months now. If it helps to talk, please send me a PM by clicking PM below this post. I hope I can help you even if it is just to listen. My heart goes out to you and I will pray for you.

((( Melissa ))) I am so sorry that you're suffering so much. I wish that I could do something to help you. I would love to give you a big personal hug.
Please don't feel guilty for not being able to have children. It's not something that you planned.
Your dh sounds absolutely great. As you've been married 20 years, I think that he must mean it when he says that he wants YOU!
I'm sending you many s

Dear Melissa,

I'm an adoptive mother, and my heart goes out to you. While my DH and I were waiting to adopt, the situation you describe is the one we, like most adoptive parents, feared the most.

I'm so sorry that the child's birthmother changed her mind. It doesn't seem fair that she was able to do this, but of course I'm a little biased. I understand that the birthmother exercised her rights, and I can only imagine how difficult the decision to relinquish a child must be.

Our adoption was a long, tedious, yet nerve-wracking experience. We found that the adversities we faced helped to bring us closer as a couple. I hope that you and your husband will be able to share your feelings, and to support each other. You really need each other right now. I'm also glad that you have a strong support system in your friends and family. You'll need them too.

Whatever happens in the future, at this time, you and your DH can only survive, one day at a time. Please concentrate on making it through today, and don't try to peer into the future. You'll need some time to grieve, before you'll be ready to move on.

I'm sending you many hugs, Melissa. You're facing a tough situation, but if you make it through today, you're a tough lady, and tomorrow could be a better day.

Best wishes,
Helen

I am sending you a big hug and lots of special thoughts and prayers.

My husband and I also had an adoption that fell through when the birthmother changed her mind. It felt like the end of the world. We definately went through a grieving process, much like how a miscarriage feels (according to my friends). You and your husband were planning for this baby and I know it already felt like your own. This is hard for people to understand. Please allow yourself to grieve.

One thing that you said did perk my ears up- that the infertility was "your problem". Oh honey, please don't do this to yourself. It doesn't matter who physically has the "problem", the infertility is yours as a couple. It sounds like you have a very loving and supportive husband. Please don't blame yourself.

I know that it is early in this painful time for you, but please don't rule out adoption. After we grieved our loss, a door was opened to us, and we are the proud parents of a wonderful son, through adoption. It is sort of ironic, but I had my hysterectomy the day before my son's 9th birthday.

Please know that there are many adoptive mothers here to listen to you and support you. Many of us have been right where you are now. Feel free to PM me if you'd like.

I am another adoptive mother of two who are now young adults.
Until the adoptions were finalized, I did not rest easily. Our first son was a U.S. adoption through an agency. The second one
was on international adoption which has less chances of a birthmother changing her mind. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this great loss.
I was younger when I had three miscarriages and lost one son to prematurity. The losses were great. I grieved our losses, especially with the burial of our son. Then, more than ever, we were determined to find our children through adoption. We never felt guilty or upset that we used adoption as our way of adding to our family. In fact, we felt blessed by God that we had
the adoption option open to us.
Please don't give up!!! There are children out there that
need adopting. Sometimes you need to look into other resources and options not previously considered. I only wish you could
have the money you spent for support returned to you.
Unfortunately, that probably will not happen. There do not seem to be many laws protecting us as adoptive parents.

Thanks to all who responded, especially other adoptive mothers out there....it does help.

Having never carried a child to term (we had two miscarriages back when we were still doing fertility treatments) I know I can't truly understand how hard it must be to relinquish a child.

I could understand (and, possibly, have some true closure to this situation) if our birth mother had been in touch and said that, for whatever reason, she couldn't go through with this. I'd still be sad and angry, but I'd have a better handle on what might have happened. What has happened, however, with her just disappearing with the baby, seems harder to take. We don't know what happened, and it's tough to deal with the fact that we may never know what happened with this baby we were all geared up to love.

Finding out about this situation, as we did a week ago Monday, sitting in our lawyer's office, after having made the effort to drive 300 miles to attend a meeting that our birthmother had asked for, and then finding out that the baby had been born two days prior in another state....well, that was the worst shock of our lives. To find out from her mother (who the lawyer's social worker went to visit when Tammi didn't show for the meeting) was NOT what we had signed up for. I understand that people who have biological children don't always get what they sign up for, either, but at least they usually know what happened, either good or bad.

Having other adoptive parents as friends, we've seen that the process can be worth it. But it's a tenuous process, very based on faith that everyone's going to do what they promised, and hold up their end of the bargain. And, I know that often, that process works. The birthmother is relieved to have someone to love and raise her baby, and the adoptive parents are capable and willing. At this point, I will admit to a definite lack of faith in the process.....and, I'm very aware that there is no protection for us should the same thing happen again.

We are trying hard to be good to ourselves, though it's tough to know how to begin....plus, we have a house full of "baby stuff"....which doesn't make it any easier. I'm trying to deal with the guilt associated with the infertility, and my DH is dealing with guilt over not being able to protect us from a situation like this....we'll make it OK, I'm certain of that, but it's tough to know what to do to get by on a day to day basis. I guess there's no recipe or magic bullet for this one....whatever works will be fine, even if it's not pretty. We're trying to spend as much time together as possible, talking about it as needed. We've even discussed visiting a counselor together, if we decide we need that to get past this.

Our lawyer assures us that we will get a baby. And, I know that we're ready to love and raise WHOEVER it is that's going to be our baby, and our child. I'd be less than truthful if I didn't say that having this adoption fall through hasn't raised some issues with me re: the hysterectomy that I thought I was OK with. I do know that I'm lucky to have the marriage that I have, and, really, a pretty great life in general in many ways....good enough that we've wanted to share it with someone else for a long time.

Thanks again....and, thanks for all the good thoughts. We really need them.

Melissa

There WILL be a baby for all of the wonderful things that you have waiting in your home. Don't lose faith. I know that it is hard to believe when you are in pain, but if you perservere, a baby will find it's way into your heart and home. I lived with a finished baby room for 2 years (adoption fell through) before my DH and I could financially afford to persue another adoption. Believe it or not, somewhere I found the strength to keep adding things to the room.

I am sad that there aren't laws in your state to protect you financially. Maybe you can take your sadness and, when you have strength, turn it into advocacy for better protection for prospective parents.

I agree that with the last gal that you may want to explore other adoption avenues. You may feel safer with a different process, like one with less birthmother contact.

Boy, you have been hit with a double whammy- hyst and adoption woes. Yesterday, I was sitting in the bathroom when infertility raised it's ugly head again to me. The feelings came from out of nowhere. I dealt with my infertility issues 12 years ago when we chose adoption. I have wanted this hyst for 10 years (too young, the Dr's said), so I was really thrown for a loop when I started to cry that, "Oh my God, my uterus is gone, it never worked, I never got to experience pregnancy." There I was grieving that old infertility issue all over again. Ugh.

I know that hyster sisters are wonderful, but I also know that the ones who have had "working parts" don't have some of the same painful thoughts. Tomorrow, my infertility girlfriends are bringing lunch over...I am looking forward to chatting with them about it.
So, I definately understand the pain you are dealing with.

It was good to see you post again. You and your DH are doing all of the right things. Please remember that there is a child out there for you. You may have to open your hearts to more options, but there is a child that needs you and will benefit from your wonderful relationship with your husband. Twenty years together is an incredible statement...congratulations. That is a rarity today

Keep your spirits and hopes up. When you are ready you will turn your loss and pain into energy for a new adoption.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Melissa,

I am so sorry that you are having to live through this. When it rains it pours. It seems like everything bad happened to my family all at once, within about 9 months (ironically), too.

My husband and I adopted an angel two and a half years ago. I went through 6 years of unsuccessful fertility treatments. I was on every list at every ob doctor's office and hospital within a 100 mile radius. Catholic charities, etc. etc. Then one day I was researching adoption on the internet and found the International Adoption Photolisting. There are about 400 children on that list that are available for adoption now. I saw Olga's picture in September of 2000. We came home with her in January, 01. Now I know why I was never able to conceive or never found another child. I was put on this earth to be her Mama.

She is from Kazakhstan. One reason we were looking to adopt internationally is that it's easier. Most people don't realize that, but it is. I would be happy to talk with you about it, if you're interested. You can email me or send me a personal message.

Please keep your Faith. I was told by a Priest one Sunday that "God sends us challenges so that we will become closer to Him". I believe that....now.

God Bless,

Kristi