Surrounded By Pregnant Women

I just turned 43, never married, no children, although I always hoped & dreamed.

I work in a small county government office as an adult & juvenile probation officer, where there are basically just 4 other women & 2 men, & of those 4 other women 3 of them are pregnant -- one is due July 29th, one July 30th, & one July 31st.

Somehow I've lasted this long, through all the sonnogram pictures, baby name books, swelling bellies, & nursery decorating (I've been able to avoid it or smile & say, "How nice"), but I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this last little bit of time, the births, them bringing their babies up for everyone to see, having to chip in on baby gifts, etc.

I'm not close with any of these women really, but it is a small office. Of these 3 women only 1 was working there when I had surgery, but no one from my office ever showed me any sympathy or kindness when I had surgery (no cards, no calls, nothing!) -- even when I returned to work & had to walk up this huge flight of stairs (no elevator) carrying work in a briefcase, they never offered to help, but just ran up the stairs around me.

To top it off, my cousin, who had a miscarriage the same day I had surgery, just had a baby (she brought the baby over to my house on my recent birthday for me to see & I had to go hide out in my bedroom while my parents told her I was napping), & a counselor we work with frequently is also pregnant & due August 1st!

Then, my work itself throws me in with all these people who have kids & don't take care of them -- today I was working on a file of a guy with a record as long as my arm, he's schizophrenic, a rapist, has been in prison, has been married 4 times, has 1 child with each wife, & 2 children out of wedlock, & he pays no support -- he's allowed to breed & I'm not?!

I'm just really feeling pretty bitter & I'm afraid I'm going to snap at a co-worker or client & really look like an idiot! How can I get across to them that this is painful for me, to not rub my face in it, & to understand if I'm less than enthusiastic for them in order to protect myself? I read on another post that someone told a new mother that she worked with that unless it involved a star & 3 wisemen she didn't want to hear about it -- I'm thinking that's a pretty good line -- no, I know better, but...

Any suggestions on getting through this would be greatly appreciated!

Jeandre

Hi Jeandre
I wish I had an answer for you, but all I can do is give you a and hope and pray God guides you in the right direction, helps you get past all the baby celebrating and helps you see the blessings in your life. You see, I happen to believe that your job is very difficult, not for everyone , and that it takes a very special person to work in that envirement. You will probably just have to be honest and tell them you are mourning your loss and being surrounded by all the baby stuff is hard for you right now and for them to please understand. Write down what you want to say and use it when the subject comes up. That way you won't be caught off guard and you won't be prone to say something nasty.

I hope and pray your life is filled with happiness and that those you love surround you with understanding.

Jeandre,

I am so sorry you are facing this!! I am 41, never married, no children, facing a hysterectomy in a few weeks and getting zero emotional support from my family.

If these other ladies never visited or sent cards, why should you have to chip in for gifts for them?? I really am not trying to be mean about this, but life is a two-way street. Perhaps you can just send them a card??? Sadly, many people do not understand the incredible sense of loss that women who want children and cannot have them feel. Your co-workers are likely not intending to be cruel, they are being thoughtless of your situation. The good part is that they will all be gone for the 6 week recovery period and you will have some temporary peace.

When they come to visit with their babies, smile, say congrats and quickly pick up the phone and call someone so you can avoid any need to hear the details. I will be praying for you, you can get thru this, you are not alone, we are right here with you!!

Hugs....Joan

Jeandre,

I so know what you are going through. 11 yrs ago I was going through a divorce when my younger sister announced she was pregnant. I was angry, hurt, and didn't know how to handle it. I can not have children (1 reason marrage ended) and have know it since I was 17. I did everything to avoid my parents (because they were thrilled) and my sister and brother-in-law. I am not one to want pitty or sympathy so I just tried to avoid everyone. The man I was dating (ended up married too, 10 yrs now) was very supportive and also made me realize that no matter where I go, work, store, home whatever I am going to see pregnant women. I even changed gyn's to one that did not deliver babies because it was too hard to sit in a waiting room full of expecting mothers.

Then I got an answer from God, I asked my sister if she would be willing to let me be in the delivery room so I too can expierence watching the birth. She was very open to the idea and asked her OB and explained my situation, they to were very willing. I know this is not possible for everyone but it helped me and my sister. She ended up asking me to be there 3 years later when she had her second child (her husband is not into the yucky parts, he likes to do the breathing thing.). It wasn't long after that she offered to be a surogate mother for my husband and I. After a year of thinking about it we took her up on the idea. Again this is not for everyone but for us it was the best decision we ever made. My husband and I were both in the delivery room for the birth, I took pictures (B&W) of the entire thing and I got to cut the cord. My son is aware of his birth, he is now 6 as well as my neice and nephew.

I still have pangs of why me sometimes but decided that God had a reason for things to work out this way. My sister and I are closer now than we have ever been (we are only 10 1/2 months apart).

Don't feel like you have to be involved in your co-workers happiness. Do what makes you happy and more at ease. Remember, you don't have to be married or give birth to be someones mother. You are in a position to see negelected children on a daily basis, maybe someday you will feel the need to take in one of these helpless children and give them some hope and love.

All the best to you,

Donna

Thank you all for your thoughts & suggestions.
Yesterday at work the one gal believed she was in labor & I tried to figure out who I could call (I thought that suggestion would work best for me at the time), but, I didn't know who to call! I was wishing I knew a Hyster-Sister to call, when, out of the blue, a high school friend called me concerning our class reunion this next weekend -- aside from just giving me a friend to talk to, she also had a hysterectomy about 8 years ago! Talk about timing! Talk about divine intervention!
However, after the conversation ended, there we all still sat. Then, as they were all leaving & gushing about the fact that they'd all be waiting to hear from her, I started to get bitter again, thinking how when I was leaving for surgery no one said anything (not even, "Well, hope it's not cancerous"). Then, my boss stopped in & noted that since this co-worker appeared to be in labor & as she is still presently on-call for our office (why he scheduled her to be on-call so close to her due date I don't know!), that should she really give birth this weekend, I needed to stick around home as I would probably be the back-up person that would be called, especially as I was the only one who "doesn't have a family". I was so stunned I couldn't even retort that I do have parents, I have friends, I have a life. They all left & I cried for about a 1/2 an hour before I could even pack my briefcase & leave the office. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound!
I think the problem is that no one else understands the situation, so I'll probably keep pounding out my frustrations here until this all gets past!
Thank you at least for the forum!
Jeandre

Just wanted to send you a big

I also am sending you LOTS OF ((((((HUGS))))))!!!!! I know how tramatic it is to be the "non-family" person also. 2 years ago, I had 43 (yes i didn't mistype it - 43) pregnant women in my life simlutaniously (work, home, and family). It comes with my age though (i'm 31). We were in the midst of failing cycle after cycle in fertility treatments, and everyone was getting mad that I wasn't helping throw the showers, or make cute gifts for our pg friends and family. I know I throw the best parties, and am crafty, but there was no way I could do it. I felt so guilty for not participating. I would cry all the time for feeling guilty, and punished. Long story short, I ended up seeing a therapist who said the general population does not understand about "non-events". Non-events are the things in our lives that didn't happen, through no fault of our own, and we are unable to change that fact. We still mourn the loss, and probably always will. We just need to give ourselves permission to not put ourselves through the pain of attending hurtful events, and make it known that this does bother us. If they don't know it hurts you, they can't help themselves (although sometimes they still can't help themselves either way). On good days, I went and bought gift cards to target, and made a cute card, and that is what everyone got. I sent it with another person attending the shower. Currently I am down to 11 PG people, and 3 adopting people. I have attended adoption showers, and even planned one. They aren't as bad as the others. With time some of this will get easier, I'm so sorry anyone has to go through this! Sending even more (((((HUGS))))) your way.

Just an update that my co-worker wasn't in labor & was even in to work today. Think she might now be embarrased enough over the big fit she made on Friday that should it occur again she'll just keep quiet about it the next time? Oh, I know better!

The non-event thing you wrote about, Kimberism, makes sense, but what really burns me is that they act like this was a voluntary choice I made -- like getting my hair cut or something! What bothers me is that these people "think" they know me & that they know about my life, & they really don't, to the point that some of their actions have actually created problems for me, & have hurt me terribly, & here we go again!

Still not sure how I'll make it through all this at our office -- I just hope it hurries up & gets over with now!!

Thanks!
Jeandre

Jeandre~

I'm 30 years old and I don't have any children either. I have my surgery scheduled for August 26,2003. I am a Deputy Sheriff for a large County. The other night I was requested by my Sgt. that I take a pregnant inmate, who was having contractions to the hospital because they thought she was going to deliver her baby. Well my employer hasn't been sympathetic with my whole ordeal either. My Sgt.'s routinely put me to watch over pregnant women in the hospital. I had enough of it and told him this time to find someone else..that I couldn't deal with it emotionally. A pregnant woman is the last person I want to be around right now. Just the other night, my mother called to tell me that my cousin who is a year younger than I, was being induced for labor and that I would have a new 2nd cousin by tomorrow. I snapped at her also and told her that I didn't want to hear about that right now. I feel as though I'm being so selfish right now. I am so angry and depressed at the same time. I can't seem to find anyone who can relate with me and I feel that I'm being unreasonable. But then again I think who wouldn't be feeling this way?
If you need someone to talk to and vent to Jeandre please contact me..I'm a good listener going through the same kinds of trials as you are.
Take care!
Bridgett

Bridgett, I've been trying to send you a direct e-mail but seem to be having problems & it isn't going through, so I tried a sample e-mail elsewhere tonight & if that doesn't go through I'm calling my internet provider in the morning to see what is going on. I have been thinking of you though & wanting to contact you.

As an update too, I have to tell you that the first of my pregnant co-workers was pulled off of work on Monday by her doctor as she
has been having contractions -- so I'm away from her!

Then Tuesday morning while I was in Court pregnant co-worker #2 left as she wasn't feeling well, & since I was in Court I missed the "joyful" leave-taking! -- finally some good timing. She had a baby girl via a c-section close to midnight. They named the baby Ainsley.

This morning (Thursday) pregnant co-worker #3 called & she had a baby girl early this morning. Good timing again! They named the baby Isabella & are going to call her "Izzy".

However, I'm just coming off of having been on-call (I got 5 hours sleep only over 2 days due to being paged & working on reports) & I'm tired & growly! Even though I was spared their leave-taking, now their husbands are bringing up pictures, people are taking time off of work to go see them in the hospital, our staff is therefore stressed & work is falling on me, & I'm just so bitter!

I think the names they chose are terrible & cruel, & they don't deserve children if they are going to do that. And 2 of the reports I worked on & lost sleep over were on women who aren't paying support, don't have custody of their children, etc., & I don't think they deserve children either, & that makes me bitter too!

The other staff at work are telling me I will have to pitch in & help since I'm single & don't have children, & since I was off (4 lousy weeks while they will be off 12 weeks) last year for surgery I need to work to cover them (while they never had to cover me -- I made arrangements within 10 days time for everything at work, while they had 9 months & just left it go).

The clincher though was when they said we'll/I'll have to help the gal who had the c-section as it will be hard for her to get around, up the stairs, pull files, etc., while she will be off 12 weeks, I was off 4 & they didn't help me a bit!!

Instead of BBW standing for big, beautiful woman for me, I'm afraid it is going to stand for Bitter, Barren Witch!

Any thoughts how can I deal with the bitterness? I just sat in my office & cried all afternoon -- after I got back from the dreadful doctor's office (my surgeron too & I get so emotional yet everytime I have to go there) where I went to get my allergy shot, but then, after sitting there an hour waiting for my shot, had to leave as the doctor got called to (of all things) deliver a baby. Bitter tears were never my style, but since this surgery they are now a part of my life. I never was a complainer before either -- this has all just changed my personality so much it is scary!

Jeandre