Sisters... please talk to me about emotions. (am 10 days post op) I am having a hard time with mine. I didn't expect as much of a problem because I am 51 and was already menopausal. I find I am not eating correctly for one thing. I have developed a sort of "crush" on my doctor and dread not having to see him anymore (similar to what I felt after I had my babies ...different doc) My sex drive in the past year has been non-existant and I have been thinking about sex. (I live alone separated from husband).
The worst part is that I hate my body. I look at my incision (this is my 6th abdominal surgery) and at my abdomen and think that I will never ever be sexually desirable again and see myself as the ugliest woman in the world.
Physically this is so different from previous recoveries. Sitting at the computer is very painful and all I can manage comfortably is lying or sitting in bed ... which the doctor says is what I should be doing.
Will I stop hating myself? Help! I just want to cry
Sweetie...yes, you will stop hating yourself. Emotions tend to be a little crazy after this surgery and it doesn't seem to matter if there's any hormonal issues or not.
Okay...your emotions are getting the best of you, so I'm going to speak with you logically because that helps bring you back into better thinking and less emotional reasoning, okay?
First off, your scarrs are not 'you'. They have nothing to do with the person you are...and when someone loves you they love the prson, not the package. WE get hung up on the package...not THEM.
Think of it this way...if you had a child that was having problems with feeling good about themselves, would you help them only by telling them they are cute or pretty or would you tell them things like, "you're a good student, you're a good friend...I like the way you decorate your room or how you are funny and fun to be with"? See what I mean...a scar isn't the person. (and you've still got lots of time to heal, so the scar you have now is not what you will have forever).
When I come back to this thread (and I promise you I will) I want you to post 3 things about yourself that you like. Okay...don't tell me that's lame...it's a good exercise for you to do to start coming out of this emotional thinking. I also want you to list 3 things you enjoy doing.
3 things you like about yourself
3 things you enjoy doing.
I really needed them. Sometimes I do feel alone. I live alone and although my 15 year old comes over everyday after school ... I still feel lonely recuperating.
Sometimes I just need to write out what I am feeling and know that someone is listening.
One of the negative emotions I have been feeling is guilt. I feel like I should be up and moving and walking and doing things. But the doctor specifically told me "Do you understand what NOTHING means? That is what you are to do."
OK three things I like about myself:
I am a compassionate person.
I think I am intelligent.
I like being a woman, I really do.
My dear sister,
I shudder to read your posting for I too had these very same thoughts 10-14 days post op. I am 47, happily married, had a LAVH/BSO and TVT (bladder sling) 08/13/03 and had a terrible time with my emotions, anxiety, depression, sexual drive, self esteem and "crush" on my doctor. Those emotions were sooo strong and sooo totally "not me". I grieved for loved ones lost and wailed like a baby sometimes, then I would cry because my husband would give me a hug or kiss in bed & because I loved him so much I would cry. I would think of my Dr. alot and fantasize falling in love with him. Now at 6 1/2 weeks I've got a grip! I feel more like a sensual woman. I have scars, but they will heal and fade. I have desire for intimacy and sex again, but my DH is letting me decide when the time is right. Dr. said I still have quite a few more stitches to dissolve at the vaginal cuff. At the time I was wacking out I thought that I probably would be sexually dysfunctional and I was feeling guilty that my husband couldn't have sex with me for 6 weeks and If things would be the same again for us intimately. I'm finally pain free after many years (endo and andenomyosis) and that is why I love my Dr. And then I found this website, and without all the support and help I've received I couldn't have done it alone. My feelings were validated and other women were having them. We all are the Eve's of His garden and you cry if you must and laugh at yourself later...for this will pass. God bless you.
I can relate to the emotions and to the crush (sort of), so let me tell you what happened to me and what helped. (This is long, sorry.)
First of all, I have to say that as a general rule, I have always HATED, even DREADED going to the gynecologist. (Not that anyone here likes it, LOL!) I worked hard to look the picture of health at my six week, because I was hoping, really hoping, that I would not have to go back for three years. (No such luck!) Anyway, my appointment went very well and he said he would see me in a year. I was thrilled. No more going every six months like I had been.
Then...that night I could not go to sleep. I realized I was terribly depressed and could not stop thinking about my GYN. It was almost obsessive and I started to become scared of my own feelings because in my mind it was to the point of being unhealthy -- and weird. So, I decided to let go of my fears and really examine my feelings. What I realized was this: He was the first GYN that I really felt comfortable with; I was never tense or upset during my visits. He worked with me very closely to manage my gynecological problems and did everything he could to help me avoid hysterectomy (as were my wishes). Having had the hysterectomy and my health problems solved, our relationship changed. He was no longer my treating physician, it was now simply well-woman care. Also, going every six months -- as much as I hated it -- was a safety net for the problems I was having. I had to make myself aware that that net was not longer necessary as I was now firmly on solid ground. I came to realize that now that my body was healed, I needed emotional closure.
So...I sat down and wrote a short, but heartfelt thank you card to him. As soon as I mailed it I felt totally liberated and happy. For all I know, he threw the card straight into the trash, but that doesn't matter because that note was more for me than for him. I also wrote a thank you card to his nurse, which cheered me up even more.
Major surgery is a very stressful thing to go through and I think these emotional rollercoasters are a normal part of recovery. I still have them, but they are fewer and farther between. You are still recovering from surgery, so outwardly you may not feel very beautiful and that's okay. If you need to cry, I say go ahead and let it all out.
(I could 'hear' that in your post and it's a wonderful quality!
I think I am intelligent.
lol... I KNOW You are intelligent. That comes across in your insight.
I like being a woman, I really do.
I'm with ya on that one too. I was just talking with my friend today about how I'm glad I'm a woman, even with the problems I've had lately. Being female is fabulous!
Things I like to do:
Play with my cats
Now...this list is fabulous! (I like these things too, so it makes me smile to read this!)
Now, your next assignment is to pick one, two or all three of these things and do something...by a book you've wanted to read (or find one) or get a new toy and play with your cats (they will enjoy this too). The teaching part might need to wait, you still need to rest!
As for the resting and feeling guilty... I really do understand that. Please consider though that if you over do things and then need further medical help I bet that you'd feel guilty about that too because you'd feel like you inconvienenced people to help you because you didn't follow orders. They did their part to get your through surgery, now you must do your part and have your body heal. It cannot happen without your efforts...and as your finding out it's harder to rest as much as you should than it would be to go out and have fun. Resting is a chore in itself, so there's nothing to feel guilty about. You NEED to rest. I'm serious...healing right the first time is crucial to your long term health. Take that VERY seriously!
As far as the crush goes...oh yeah...I had a crush on my doctor. He helped me get out of 24/7 extreme pain...so he's my 'hero'. He's cute too...so it's hard not to have a crush on him, lol. It's okay though...I know the limits there. The feelings are normal...they help us through a major event in our lives...having feelings for them is normal (I asked a psychologist friend of mine to be sure...he said it happens all the time, no big deal)
Now...if you feel like chatting (And I own 4 cats, love to read and can always find time to chat) send me a PM and we can stay in touch. You're not alone sister...did you read that??? You are NOT alone. I purposely came back to my computer now just to check on you and see if you responded yet. Did you know someone was thinking of you for more than an hour now today? It was me!
Stay in touch sweetie...recovery will go by soon...just hang in there, okay?