Just need to vent

I had a partial hysterectomy (removal of the uterus) back in July. This came after a difficult, high risk pregnancy which ended with my son being born more than 2 months early. The hysterectomy came at a really bad time (is there ever a good time?) - 10 weeks of bedrest, surgery right after the birth, 2 months in the NICU with my son, and continuous doctor's appointments and surgeries for my son because he has ongoing medical problems. At my 6 week post-partum check up the doctor discovered that placenta had attached itself to my uterine wall and was regrowing. They planned a D&C to try and remove it, but I began bleeeding out and the doctor told me she needed to remove my uterus. I lost alot of blood during surgery and was in the hosptial for about a week. Needless to say I cried every day. I thought I could lean on my DH, who had been my rock during the whole ordeal but that hasn't been the case. In fact a week into recovery at home, he began complaining because the house wasn't clean. It's been going downhill ever since. Whenever I become sad or depressed he tells me I should be thankful for what I have and that's it. I'm being selfish for grieving the fact that we won't have another biological child. After the surgery we had agreed to look into adoption in the future. Both of us have always wanted at least 3 children. The other day he announced that he has decided that one child is enough. I couldn't believe he was saying this without any discussion or regard for my feelings. I feel like my chance to have children has been taken away from me again. DH has become this critical, condescending jerk who seems to delight in putting me down. Recently we were at a wedding and there were quite a few pregnant women there. He kept making a point to say to me and my friends "you better watch out ladies, it seems there is something in the water here. Who's going to be next?". I couldn't believe how heartless he was. When I confronted him he was like "Oh I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. You're too sensitive." There I days when I wish that I had bled out during surgery and died. I'm not suicidal or anything it's just that there are days when I think that this is too much to bear and my heart cannot take the aching anymore. Not just the hysterectomy, but the worthless feeling. My friends and family do not understand. I feel so isolated and alone. Sorry to go on and on, but I just needed to vent to people who would understand the sadness that accompanies a hysterectomy.

Awww sweetie Your not alone. The saddness that follows a hysterectomy grabs each of us , no matter what our age ; whether we have children or not. We are all woman who have lost a part of what we grew to believe makes us woman. I remember when my sisters all started their periods. In my mind, they were becoming woman and I looked forward to "growing up". I then remembered thinking it wasn't so cool when I did; it brought on a whole new emotional me, but, I got use to that "me". Now, after a hyst, we have to redefine who we are again. You have so much on your plate in worrying about your son that healing emotionally has taken the back seat. I'm sure your DH didn't mean to hurt you. Believe him when he says so. They just tick differently then we do and their words don't flow as smoothly as ours. I do think you need to dump all these feelings on your doctor. Some woman say that an antidepressant taken short term helps them to muddle through the muck until they can see the again. Happiness is out there and you don't ever need to feel "lostandalone" again since you found hystersisters. Someone will always come along with a and a shoulder to lean on. Keep in touch. Let us know how you are doing. We worry about each of our cyber sisters.

Karlene <------ I'll help you search for your

Lostand Alone
You must feel emotionally and physically exhausted. My heart goes out to you and your family. I had an unplanned and unwanted hyst and went through a horrible depression afterwards that others could not understand why, and like you, I wasn't feeling suicidal, but I found myself thinking that dying on the table would have been a better option than the emotional hell I was in, and I wasn't really all that grateful to be alive. I sought help from my GP who prescribed some anti-anxiety meds (Xanax) for 30 days to help take the "edge" and intensity off the emotions and she also started me on an antidepressant. This was soooo helpful because I was then able to begin to appropriately grieve and deal with "the muck" (Karlene said it great) that had happened to me. I also sought out a counselor for several sessions who helped me start the process without my emotions and grief completely overwhelming me. Our husbands truly love us, worry about our health, and don't want our physical and emotional health to deteriorate. The way they process their emotions is not as analytical nor as intense as ours (they are just not made to do that). I agree with Karlene that I seriously doubt your husband meant to truly hurt you, it just sounds like his grief and anger over what happened to you is misdirected. He may need help dealing with his grief also. My DH grew weary of listening to me talk about the surgery and how upset I was over unexpectedly losing my entire reproductive system. From his perspective,he was so thankful I survived the surgery and I was still around as his wife, that losing my uterus seemed a relatively small price to pay for my overall health. I could not want for anything other than that from him. At somepoint in time, we all put the sad and tragic events that have happened to us in perspective, but that happens within our designated timeframe - not the timeframe of others. I found the glib, cliche responses of "Be thankful for what you have, " or "Aren't you just glad to be alive?" irritating and hurtful too because it seemed that no one was recognizing the horrendous emotional pain I was in. I finally realized that trying to talk to others who couldn't really understand may pain was like trick or treating at a house that doesn't have any lights on - I was not going to get anything back from these folks regardless of how long and hard I banged on the door. The more I knocked on the door the more upset and alone I felt. I needed to move on to a house where they lights were on - like going to a counselor - because there I would get what I was looking for and I didn't have to beat anyone over the head, so to speak, to get them to listen or try to understand. Karlene is right about how some of us have to redefine ourself after a hyst and all of the emotions related to it. Please seek some help for you and your husband to ease the burden of your situation. Stay in touch - this site is sooooo helpful during this time. There are alot of wise, helpful women here. I am almost 6 months post-hyst and doing much better. The depression lifted about a month after starting the antidepressant, and I have been able to grieve appropriately and within my timeframe (not others') and get back to my life without being consumed by the trauma of the hyst. I hope this is helpful. Keep in touch.

Having a Hysterectomy was on the cards for me for years -- BUT I never ever thought that the months after the OP would be so traumatic.I only ever had one child but immediately following his birth which was very long and difficult I nearly lost my life,it was then DECIDED for me that I should be sterilised and have a prolapse repair at 26yrs old..No more children.Eventually after years of Gynae problems caused I sincerely believe through the Sterilisation ,I arrived at the Menopause..This went on for 8yrs! This last Summer I had the full Hysterectomy-- I asked to retain my Ovaries but was told that it was best to have them removed as I am a diabetic, and ovaries are a seat for Cancer later on in diabetics..I was told Not to worry as HRT would replace the hormones. HUH!! LOL!!
Well, I have cried and cried for my Ovaries, as this recovery has been hell..I miss my ovaries so much, I find myself thinking that I will never have my little girl I wanted so much,I feel a baby in my arms,I cry when I see small babies --all silly things as I was sterilised anyway at a young age,so why am I having these daft thoughts now?....men are totally mis guided about the Hormones of a woman..How do they know what goes on inside a woman following hysterectomy,and the heartless phrases they come out with are totally depressing and saddening. I feel so much for you - may God bless you all and bring you peace.. Best wishes Amos UK

Thank you to those of you who replied to my original posting. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I never realized how much having a hysterectomy would change my life. I think I've finally made my peace with it and can begin moving on. I spoke to my DH last night and we had a long, honest conversation. I'm not sure what everyone else's situation is, but my DH's "insensitive" behavior is driven by fear. To make a long story short I had a very complicated and dangerous pregnancy which ended with our son being born over 2 months prematurely. Right after giving birth I started hemorraghing and needed an emergency D&C. It took 3 hours and my poor DH was in a panic standing in the hospital hall way not knowing if I or our son were going to make it. I recovered and our son stayed in the NICU for 7 weeks. Right before he came home a routine post-partum exam showed that I needed more surgery. It was supposed to be a routine procedure, just one night in the hospital. I cannot imagine how frightening it was for my husband to get that phone call in the middle of the night telling him that I was hemorraghing and needed to have an emergency hysterectomy. I ended up requiring 7 units of blood and was in the hospital for a week. I'm sharing this story because my husband has also not recovered from the whole experience. Last night was the first time in 3 months that he talked about it. He's been throwing himself into work and our son trying to avoid thinking about all that we've been through. We are considering going for counseling to help us deal with the aftermath of everything. I will continue to visit this website because it helps give me the strength I need to get through this difficult time. I hope that sharing my story will help someone else.

I'm so thankful that you and DH talked and he was able to share his feelings with you. It's hard for some men to do that. I know my DH grieved over the death of our child inwardly for years before he broke. It's so much better to not let any more time go by before you get the help you both so desperately need. each other and vow to walk this path of healing together and I know that in the years to come, you will be stronger for it. Thank you for sharing.... I know that it gave me a better understanding of how important it is to communicate with your partner before issues get out of hand.

we all completely understand...

the gaul of that man!!!

I would suggest marriage counseling so that you both could discuss issues without it becoming a yell fest...

You have absolutely every right in this world to feel this way..how dare he be so callus as to tell you this crap...this makes my heart ache for you....

My dear...you are fine, if I may be so forward, its his attitude that needs changing...

Thank God you were blessed with a child..be thankful that you had that 1 chance there are those that would love to be in your shoes...

God is always planning for us...making our lives better everyday...lean on him..

didnt sound callus....

I am glad that you & your dh talked...that is the secret to a happy relationship on any level...if you talk it all out then that will solve a lot of hard feelings...etc...

If you ever need counseling there are some great ones out there...

I hope that your dh realizes what a jewel he has in you