Why is my DH acting like this??

When I first found out that I had to have a hysterectomy (1 month ago), my family was terrific. I really felt that they understood what I was going through. I now felt I had "the right" to feel crummy, as I have the past 6 months or so. I had a reason not to feel myself. That in itself was a big comfort, because my whole family relys on me for everything. Now they were starting to help around the house, pick up after themselves, etc. I guess the newness of it has all worn off, because things have gone back to the same old ways again, except for my 10 year old son. He has been terrific!! My husband acts like I'm never supposed to be sick or feel bad. I'm always supposed to have the energy to do it ALL. He never talks about anything with me and when I try, I get the feeling that I'm bothering him with something that isn't important to him. How do I feel??? Hurt!! Very hurt!! I can't wait until this is all over with so I can go back to being myself again. I know my son will be a big help around the house after my surgery, he's already asked to learn to wash clothes, and he's been practicing in the kitchen (he told me that unless he cooks, we'll all starve!! Plus he said by learning to wash clothes, he can "charge" his sister to wash her clothes. Although he said he refuses to touch anybody's underwear!!!)
I was just wondering if anyone had the same problem with their DH withdrawing like this. Maybe he's scared for me......or feels helpless that he can't "fix" me? I don't know what to think, but would sure like to hear any advice. I still have until 4-1-03 and not sure I can make it that long.

Thanks.
Tammy

Tammy, Go to this thread from not too long ago -- good suggestion

http://www.hystersisters.com/vb2/sho...threadid=89517

's Tammy,

I'm sorry that your DH isn't being more attentive right now. Unfortunately, some men just aren't able to show their feelings. Your DH is probably feeling helpless and scared, but isn't able to tell you that, so he has put it out of his mind and doesn't realize that he's hurting you.

You might try the suggestions in the thread that Mary gave you, but if he still seems to be withdrawn, then is there a friend, family member, or clergy person that you could ask to talk to him about how you are feeling?

Your little guy sounds terrific - sounds as if he's going to be a successful businessman someday!! And I can just see the expression on his face when he was telling you that he wouldn't touch the underwear

Please don't feel alone - alot of us have DH's that can't show their feelings (mine can't, either).

's

Karen

The simple answer is 'because he's a man' - they are a strange species generally, and do not know how to communicate to us cleverer women folk!!

Seriously, it could be that he's just bottling his feelings without even realising he's doing it. Have you told him how you feel? He may need his behaviour pointed out to him!!

Meanwhile, can I swap sons with you? He sounds like a sweetheart!

Hope things get better

Maybe your husband is worried about you and he just does not know how to tell you or how to show you that he really cares. When it comes to house work all men can do great with it for a week or so then they will return back to their old ways because cleaning just isn't natural to them like it is to us !

I noticed that the closer I get to my surgery day the grumpier my husband gets. He tosses and turns in his sleep and when I ask him what is wrong he just mumbles "nothing". He finally opened up the other day, something unheard of in men, and told me that he was worried about my surgery. Everyone has to deal with this in their own way and in their own time.

Maybe you can ask your husband to read info you print off of this site or have him look at it on here with you. That might allow him to see just how hard this is and what your body is about to go through. Just a thought...good luck though!

Jennifer

Well the lat two days my DH has been quiet and grumpy and critical. He is usually so loving and full of hugs.

We eventually had a discussion about it and the only thing I can see is that I have done too much to get ready so that he won't have much to do.

He accused me of thinking that he cannot help me or wont help me. In otherwords I created the impression in his mind that I thought he was a useless lump of BM.

I must admit I have been worried about things like throwing away my napkins (can I lift the rubbish bin lid?) and washing.

So after reading the one post I agree, involve them in the preparation. Make them feel necessary.

Men want a solution, inactivity kills them.

Hope your DH improves I can assure you that mine is a right roayl grump I hope that it gets better today... I have given him chores to do.




Paula

	Quote:
Originally posted by tjm1968 When I first found out that I had to have a hysterectomy (1 month ago), my family was terrific. I really felt that they understood what I was going through. I now felt I had "the right" to feel crummy, as I have the past 6 months or so. I had a reason not to feel myself. That in itself was a big comfort, because my whole family relys on me for everything. Now they were starting to help around the house, pick up after themselves, etc. I guess the newness of it has all worn off, because things have gone back to the same old ways again, except for my 10 year old son. He has been terrific!! My husband acts like I'm never supposed to be sick or feel bad. I'm always supposed to have the energy to do it ALL. He never talks about anything with me and when I try, I get the feeling that I'm bothering him with something that isn't important to him. How do I feel??? Hurt!! Very hurt!! I can't wait until this is all over with so I can go back to being myself again. I know my son will be a big help around the house after my surgery, he's already asked to learn to wash clothes, and he's been practicing in the kitchen (he told me that unless he cooks, we'll all starve!! Plus he said by learning to wash clothes, he can "charge" his sister to wash her clothes. Although he said he refuses to touch anybody's underwear!!!) I was just wondering if anyone had the same problem with their DH withdrawing like this. Maybe he's scared for me......or feels helpless that he can't "fix" me? I don't know what to think, but would sure like to hear any advice. I still have until 4-1-03 and not sure I can make it that long. Thanks. Tammy

Tammy...sorry to hear about DH. It is so easy to just say "men" but we love them too. I had my surgery Jan 13 and my BF didn't even want to talk specifics and what if's. As I have 5 children and recently finalized aq 5 year divorced, I wanted to be prepared and he just didn't want to talk about it. I confronted him on his feelings and he was able to open up better. But he didn't want to think about complications or preparations (new Will w/o old hubby as benficiary) let alone discuss them. Men were not always allowed to show their feelings. They certainly don't want to have to think about filling our shoes when we are sick. Even though they don't acknowledge ...they know they need us more than they'll admit and times like these make them face that fact. My BF told me he was scared for me and felt helpless and didn't know how to help with the medical part. Doesn't do hospitals well. So, I told him, that is what the doctor was for and that I really needed him to help more with the regular everyday chores when I came home and to make my recovery smooth and stress free by doing what he can. Try again, Talk to him, make him listen, and let him know what it is you need and he won't have to guess. Giving them outs on some things and spelling out what you need on others may just help him be the DH he wants to be. I wish you luck and will check back with you. Also, rely on friends so he won't be overwhelmed with his jobs and yours. Get gift cards to the wal-marts and grocery stores before surgery to give to friends to do some of the shopping you'll need. It has worked great for me and my driving children...no need to keep a lot of cash around the house as well. Be assertive and loving to him and I pray that you get the answers you need. Take care and take it day by day.

They just don't understand. Mine tried to be such a good nurse after my surgery, but I'm sorry to say he was not so good. My first night home, he set my glass of water so far away I had to lean over to get it. I got so upset I started to cry and told him I could have gotten hospice care! I feel so bad now, because he really tried but just couldn't understand. Who could? No one understands this unless they've been through it. He's probably scared and doesn't know what to expect. Tell him some things that you learn from this site. I did that and it seemed to help, and still does now that I think of it! I warned mine ahead of time about maybe having mood swings, etc. so he would be prepared and told him about some of the post op stories I read here. I think that really helped. If you could get him to read some posts on this site it would be great, but good luck on that one. Mine started to call us whiner sisters at about 5 weeks post! Don't know if you were around then, but I posted about that, and boy did he get it!! He was of course only joking, but my sisters let him have it anyway. He doesn't call us that anymore! I think once you're home, things will ease. Good luck, Beth

I too had a problem with my husband all those years I was sick. Since I did not have a cast, busted lip or broken limb that he could see, he had a hard time believing that I felt bad! I guess the surgeries, hormone shots and disability checks weren't enough proof for him. That was just how he was raised. He was told that you're not a man if you don't work, and since I was very active and made a decent salary in the beginning of our marriage and then suddenly got too sick to work, he felt I was copping out. Eventually he talked to me and explained that he felt overburdened and overwhelmed by the responsibilities of the household. Maybe I could have done more around the house, but I felt so horrible, and he just didn't understand. I felt like I had to prove my illness to him or something - crazy!

Not all men are fixers - some are little boys that get overwhelmed when their partner gets sick. Sorry this post doesn't flow with all the other "positive" messages, but life aint always so rosy. I sincerely hope your husband is just a frustrated man because he can't fix you instead of what I got - a little boy who wanted another mommy when he got married, and got a sick wife instead.

My DH,too,was oftentimes inconsiderate throughout my difficult,difficult pregnancy.
But after my cs and hyster,when I woke up in the ICU ,his words were..YOU GAVE ME QUITE A SCARE,DONT EVER DO THAT AGAIN..and DONT YOU DARE DIE ON ME ,OR ILL KILL YOU.And he said those words with tears in his eyes.Thats when I knew that he really cares.