Pity Party 101

Man, do I ever feel so grumpy. I swear I have nothing nice to say right now about anything. One of my kids even said "You have been grumpy since you came home from the Hospital." I don't like yelling at my kids and I have been doing my fair share of that, sadly! When feeling the elevation of my upset coming on, I cast a warning bulletin to all in voice reach that something needs to change fast because I am getting upset. One would think this would be enough to make them stop what they are doing, evaluate and change their behavior but, it doesn't. I have asked, I have begged and I have pleaded with my children to help and do what they have been asked and/or told (we are talking ages 3,4,12,12,13,17 here folks). It shouldn't take a 12 yr old being told 6 times to turn off the TV and go and do what she's been asked to do. (Note, cable has been removed from the playroom and I may have to die before it's reconnected UGH). I have had more back talk I swear, in the last few weeks than ever before. Whoever said the emotional outburst comes at 3 weeks post-op wasn't lying. I have been having it since 2.5 weeks and it's going strong. I hope and pray this ends soon. Iif I don't run away, I think my family will.

I am not sleeping worth a crud and still have the normal days I had when better rested. I am waking at 4 AM after tossing and turning during what little sleep I have gotten. I am mentally and physically stressed beyond belief. I cannot take it easy, life doesn't allow it around here. Here I am 3 weeks post-op and people are calling me and asking me for rides to Girl Scout meetings. Not one group function my kids are involved in has called and asked if they can help in anyway. I am one who helps out whenever needed, it's sad! I am being told that events are mandatory and Dh is working, so who else is there to see to it things are done? Friends call and unload their problems on me and here I am sitting in terrible pain for days and I just sit and listen. When I need that shoulder, they are too busy.

I was to have gotten 1 week to become 100% again and well, we all know that's not possible. I didn't even get that to be honest. I cleared the calander as I could, made ride arrangements when possible for the kids, had one meal dropped off one evening by a family friend but otherwise, I am on my own. Dh has prepared meals, while I have run the kids or I have made meals while Dh has made the meals. It's not ALL been bad but ugh... I still don't want to go to stores and shop but the cabinets are bare, the fridge I can see the empty shelves and frankly I don't feel up to going out for 1.5 hrs pushing a heavy cart with two weeks of food for a family of 8 that wouldn't notice I was missing unless they were to be somewhere and there was nobody to drive them.

So many threads here I can so relate to right now it's unreal. I found myself searching posts from 2001 and saying to myself "dang, I am not the only one" I will say the thread I saw today about the list of things you would like your DH or family to do for you was a real eye opener. Dh came into the room, read over my shoulder for all of two seconds and the next time I saw him he was saying "I just checked the load in the dryer, cleaned up the kitchen and I am going out to check the dryer vent" I only asked him to do that almost a month ago! I started laundry earlier today and not one load has gotten 100% dry yet. Of course this was after I rounded it up, carried it downstairs, sorted it, washed it, and asked Dh to change it over, which he did.

I could go on for hours but there's no need. I will say "sorry" for using this as a sounding board tonight but in all reality, I am not sorry at all. I so needed to get all this off my chest and I feel so much better. I feel like a large weight has been lifted. I know that if anyone takes the time to read this thread, they will understand how I am feeling. Thank you!

Accolades to a woman with your strength.
I will recall this post when I am post op.

CheriNeb,
Yes, you are not alone!. I can't imagine all thoses kids to care for - I'm struggling to entertain my 7-month old puppy (about 50 pounds of endless energy)! I also have an 11-year old daughter, but her dad & I are divorced and she spends most of her time with her dad's family. She was here last weekend, and she did everything I asked her to, but I wish she would have volunteered more help.

I have a boyfriend who comes and goes, and bless his heart, he wants to help, but he's clueless! He brought home dinner the other day, and before he left, he said "is there anything else I can do for you before I leave?" Well, the food was still out, dirty dishes on the counter, and the dog trying to get at the food that was left out. He said he'd get the dishes in the morning, but of course he had to work in the morning. I had to ask him to at least put the food away so the dog wouldn't get to it. After he left, I went ahead and took care of the dishes. He's admonishing me to rest, rest, rest, but how can I when there are so many things left undone?

I'm feeling much better today than I was last night. I got a decent night's sleep and a whole new attitude today.

I'm sorry your kids and friends aren't more helpful. Sounds like your dh wants to be more helpful, but needs some direction. Maybe he can help get the kids engaged in your recovery - at least the older ones!

And hang in there. Rest as much as you can, and don't do any chores that your younger kids' lives don't depend on! The little ones really need you, but the older ones should catch on if you just let things go for awhile. They need to know that if you do too much now, it will take much longer for you to get back to full strenth, so it's really in your family's interest to help you rest!

Hang in there!
Cathy

You are not at all alone. I have a 9yo and 12yo -- and had to bribe them to help out. Some of the bribes were things for all of us, such as movie rentals....some were monetary....and honestly some were threats of taking things away (such as the cable and computer).

I did a month's worth of shopping before my surgery. I would e-mail DH a list of things we needed, and he would stop on his way home.

Good Luck getting through this tough period....

Dear Cheri
You sound like you need and more s
I can so relate to what you are feeling. I had the same issues with my DH and family members (14, 16, 17)..all of whom I feel are old enough to take initiative to help and not have to be asked (repeatedly) to do simple tasks to help out the person who generally dedicates her life when not at work to keeping them cared for and their home running. I posted a long rant one evening under the title 'insensitive dh' and got some good advice from some sisters on this board.
I'm sad that I have personally developed resentment towards my family for their lack of understanding/help and am really worried now because I have to go for a second major surgery on Dec. 11 to repair a fistula (hole in my bladder) from first surgery. The recovery from this is going to be like recovering from the hyst all over again, perhaps more difficult as I will be coming home with 2 different catheters in. Even now, I'm walking around with a foley catheter in and not feeling so great and I have the 14 year old (EVERY DAY) after school say... are we making our own dinner tonight? Not once has any of them said, can we make YOU dinner tonight? And yes, they're all quick to note when we need something from the store, but not to say...'hey we need some milk, etc. want me to go grab it'...but to say.. 'we need milk' period (like, 'when are you going shopping mom'). Took my 17 year old almost 3 weeks to take a basket of laundry upstairs. Like you, at about 3 weeks recovered, I was doing laundry...was very careful about it...and didn't carry baskets. But had to sit and look at the full baskets of towels, etc. sitting in the walkway by the machine for days....nobody thinks 'hey, those should go upstairs and get put away'. YOu get so tired of asking for help that you do things yourself...and this is where I have to say...PLEASE BE CAREFUL. Don't you dare go and push a shopping cart of food for 8 people!! Get one of your older kids to come to the store with you, push the cart and put the bigger items in and onto the checkout...and then put the bags into and out of the car...and maybe have the younger ones help put them away.
Your family has to know, and you have to be the one to tell them, that you are not on vacation at themoment, but that you are healing from a major surgery. If you have to be graphic about exactly what has been done to you, so be it. They need to know that you need to heal, and you need to heal right.
I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time and that so many people have such big expectations of you (i suppose it's just a reflection of what a wonderful, helpful, competent person you are when you ARE well...which i guess is a compliment to you in a way...unfortunately, compliments aren't what is necessary right now!) Be strong dear sister and look after YOU.
amanda

Yes, indeedy....I have three kids, 9, 13, 15; and a DH who is attentive in spurts, like if nothing else is on his mind. I am like that too, not able to multi-task, so I have some sympathy for him, but it's hard to not get really really angry when you have told them 52 times to do a simple job and they just can't seem to hear you. I am going in for a SAH in 10 days, Christmas is coming up, we homeschool our kids, yada, yada, yada. I know that I will be joining you in the pity party (I'm already there), but what's a gal to do. I think I might put up big posters all over the house, that say things like: "Did you rinse out the tub? Did you feed the dog? How about the cat? Could you take out the trash?" But I don't really think that's going to help remind anyone of anything anyway.
When I am rested, I think, we live in a loving, boisterous household, and I chose that; and some of the panic and yelling that we do just stems from our worry about each other. They worry about me, I worry about them. None of us wants anything to be wrong...we all want to live in happy-land. And if anyone in your family ever uses denial/avoidance to deal with difficulties, they will be using it now.
So I guess, like my mom always says, "This too shall pass."
Sending thoughts and prayers your way...
Monica

Hi gals,
Although I have been very fortunate to have such a great dh and full grown sons who do not live at home anymore and have new brides of there own I just have one thing to say.

YOU AND YOUR RECOVERY ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING RIGHT NOW!!!!!

You must refuse to do what you shouldn't and if it doesn't get done by someone else than they should go without! After a day or so they will get the hint and if they are hungery they will get some food. Trust me they will not die. And as far as the driving around and everyone else leaning on you PLEASE BE STRONG and tell them you need help.

We only get ONE CHANCE to heal properly and unless you want complications on down the road you need to put up the roadblocks NOW. Just imagine the problems if you don't take it easy and end up back in the castle again. Try explaining this to them and maybe they will understand that.

Good luck my friend and I sure will keep you in my thoughts.

Smiles
Kim

Someone mentioned emailing a list to Dh and have him pick things up on his way home!!!! AWESOME idea!! Just awesome

Hi Cheri,

You know I hate to hear you say that YOU'VE been "grumpy" since the hyst. I thought that too for about 2 seconds until I looked around and went; hello? It's not me, it's you! (family)

It's them! I'm tired of playing the apologetic, hormonal hag that everyone has to "put up with".

I have a 14 yr old. He is homeschooled. He has turned into the worst lazyboy I've ever set eyes on! I actually had to cancel my Teacher's appt. because he slacked his school work so dang bad. And my schedules are done into January. Hello, again.

Sweetheart, it's not you. It's them.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it! Bronx Cheer with a Cherry on Top!

Much Love,
Annie

I have just read all your threads and know exactly how you feel. The princess thing lasted all of a week...then back to normal.
Although I love my family very much.....I JUST DON'T LIKE THEM RIGHT NOW. I'm also tired of people "appeasing" me because they think I'm hormonal. Yes, my family did help alot the first 2 weeks....but I have noticed that once I started walking upright and not like a monkey....they think things are back to normal. I know that I'm 5 weeks post op now and can pretty much do everything I did......but......the battle scars from my surgery still remind me that I'm still healing.

I have been wanting a night out with my DH for 3 weeks and where is he tonight? The races....someplace that he and his cronies choose to go to by themselves, leaving not only me but other wives at home to do the chores.

After my 5 week check up Thursday, I decided to quit looking like a frump and get my hair cut. I felt good about the cut, was feeling sassy and spicy again.....DH does not even notice until my 18 year DD notices and compliments me. Then later that evening when I was finally coloring the roots of my red hair, he makes fun of the cap I used to highlight my hair. I seriously wanted to grab his "masculine area" and grab and pull REAL HARD so that he could feel just a fraction of how I've felt since this surgery.

The only things (except for the compliment on my hair Thursday) that my daughters (18 and 23) have done recently is ask me for rides to work or money so that they can go out and have some fun.

WHEN IS IT OUR TURN TO HAVE FUN! I think those of us who are feeling resentful, hurt and downright angry with our family should stage a strike. We could call it the "Hyster Sisters have Feelings Strike." We could use our charge cards (that most of us are probably getting Christmas with for our darling families) and go the best hotel in town for a weekend, where we can pamper ourselves and have some fun.

We've all been told that it's going to take many weeks to heal and we need to proceed gradually with each passing day. How long is it going to take our family to realize this?

All I keep thinking is "Paybacks are sweet." Our day will come sisters.......thanks for posting this thread. It felt good to talk with ladies who understand.

Keeping all of you in my thoughts......
Sherill