4mos post op and going through divorce Help!!

Hi: I'm 4 mos post op and I had surgery October 1 and now I'm going through the process of a divorce. I'm looking for support. Just women to talk to. I"m only 27 years old and I feel so alone with having a hysterectomy young and now this. I do still have my ovaries but, I just hope this isn't all hormone related which I don't think it is because my DH has been a jerk long before my hysterectomy. I'm just so scared because I'm a stay at home Mom and have no money even for a lawyer. I have two young children a daughter who is 4 and a son who is 3 and my daughter is not dealing with the seperation to well. I just need some kind of advice. I don't have a Mom any more she died 3 years ago on February 2 and all I have is 3 brothers and a wonderful Dad but, they are all men. Any suggestions are welcomed. Thank you girls. Jill from Wisconsin.

Dear (((Jill))),

Sending big cyberhugs to you!!! I am so sorry that you are having so much going on right now. You are so wise to know that healthy female support can guide you thru this time of transition. The women here will offer you all kinds of quality support. Others will be along shortly to hold your hand as you talk about your thoughts and feelings.
How are you doing with hormonal balance? That sounds like a great place to start and hopeful your doctor is able to help you along those lines. The hormone jungle here is a wonderful resource for questions about balancing.
Your doc's office may also be able to suggest commujity resources or hospital based programs that can guide you thru divorce and parenting. Or you might look into a womens's support group at a local church? You could start off by calling a local church and just asking if they have a group for youg mothers and that may lead into a helpful connection. Here in the East there is a group called Displaced Homemakers and the group offers support and training for women who are going through various life transitions. They help with job retraining, interviewing techniques, etc...that may be something to keep in mind for the future.
These were just a few ideas that came to mind. I wanted you to know that someone has read your note and people are starting to respond. We wish you all the best as you move through this time and make all the adjustments so that your needs, as well as your children's can be met.

Tedi

Hi: I wish there were support groups like that here but, I'm sure there isn't I have been checking the phone book for days with different things. The lawyer I seen yesterday was at a womens divorce center and she was so unorganized and took calls when I was talking to her so I'm not going back to her. I will be searching and calling most of the day today for someone. I asked my doctor to take hormone tests like every time I was there and she said there was no need to because I still have both ovaries. I have given up on that. I was unhappy before all this to I just wish there was
a easy way through this without all the run around. I would love to know if it could be possible to find a group that you have in your state. That could help with so much. Is there a number I can call and find out??? I swear by the time I'm 30 I will belong to every woman's support group out there with what I have been through. Anyway thanks for responding. It makes me feel so much better that others can relate. Jill

Hi (((Jill))),

It sure sounds like you are putting energy into finding some answers. If you are not feeling right physically/hormonally, and the doc is not advocating for your needs...you deserve to find someone who is willing to be helpful.
Re: Divorce issues. I did a quick search for your area, dear One and I found a few numbers. You may try these and also local county colleges/ universities in the area and ask for womens support groups for divorce. Displaced Homemakers 414-291-7500, ext. 236: Milwaukee Womens' Center 414-272-6199, Lutheran Social Services In Milwaukee 414-281-4400. The other suggestion that may still be helpful is to call the biggest churches in the area and talk with their office about connecting you with people who can hlep. Good luck..you'll find what you need; just keep dialing until you reach a warm voice at the other end of the phone.
Sending good thougths your way~
Tedi

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Also know you are not alone. I posted and got some wonderful suggestions and support on the following thread. You might find some help, or inspiration, or just plain comfort in knowing you are not alone:

https://www.hystersisters.com/vb2/sho...hreadid=120472

My husband actually said he was leaving me the day I got home from the hospital after having my hysterectomy -- but it took almost a year for him to go. That year is one I would not repeat, though it is horrible now, still. I have 2 small children (8 and 3) and I don't think they are doing very well either. It is heartbreaking. I am so sorry your mother is not with you.

Other women, including my mother, sisters and friends have been a great source of comfort for me. I have found that when I am really, really upset it helps to have someone call me every night and "put me to bed." When I felt like I was just going all to pieces this kept me sane. I also have found logging onto this website and anwering the emails from women who have supported me has provided the same needed comfort. Do not hide yourself.
My church and prayer group has supported me in many ways, as has therapy. My church actually has a "divorce care" group that meets regularly, and I have heard that this is helpful, though with small children, I don't get out very often at night.

I bear the greatest responsibility for taking care of the kids right now, and I have found that when I am handling the stress OK, so do they. If I do not, because of either the situation with my husband or chronic pain and health issues flaring up, the children cry, and fuss and everything is worse. It really is true that you are their rock right now. Anything you can do to take care of yourself is important and valid. This includes getting enough rest so you can continue to recover; proper medical care, even if this means you need a second opinion on hormones; eating well; time for spiritual refreshment and support, etc. I have found alot of comfort in "big picture thinking." What is my life meant to be? Separated, together, divorced. There are so many things I do not have control over (another person, for example -- our separation was my husband's idea), but what you do with your life is.

I found living minute to minute has been the most important thing I do. I also think centering myself in the love I have for my children, and trying really really hard to connect to the love that I know somewhere that God has for me, is just as important. In that, you can do anything.

You are not alone. You may be hurting, but there is nothing that you will not survive here. I have been happier, in general, since my unhappy husband has been away. He is finding out things on his own that may lead to him being a happier person. I still hope for a reconciliation. It has helped for me to talk to a counselor and determine what I would need for a reconciliation to occur. Somethings, once said, cannot be unsaid, or once done, cannot be undone.

Please be easy on yourself and let us know how you are getting along,
With love and light,
Loretta

HI: Thanks Tedi so much for those numbers I will call them on Monday or one of the days are not right there you know
I guess I have a hard time doing anything right now because I feel like a failure. I had two parents that were married for 32 years until the day my Mom died but, I have tried so hard in this marriage and it is not good enough. We have been to 3 counselors with him in 9 years so I guess its not totally giving up right? I also have done personnel therapy for 3 years since my Mom died. I wish he would get help for himself but, nothing is ever wrong on there end is it. It makes me truly not want to ever marry again and as of now not even trust another man for a very long time. Well I just
just want to say thanks for all your responses they truly are support to me and a lot of help to know others can relate. Thanks everyone-Jill-Wisconsin

(((Jill))),

Good luck with your phone calls.
I am impressed with all the time and energy you put into trying to improve the communication within your marriage. Please remember that you can ONLY assume responsibility for yourself, your thoughts and actions. If your spouse is not equally as committed to resolving problems, there really is nothing that you ~ or anyone else can do to change him. You are wise to not try to change him...instead please do continue to focus on embracing your own needs and learning more and more about the precious person that you are. This steady focus makes you a WINNER, certainly not a failure.
Perhaps you can get a tablet and write down a list of the phone numbers that you will call on Monday and then as you make those calls, you can write down the names of the people that you spoke to. Ask them to suggest other names and numbers. Then let it be your mission...your obsession, to follow up until you hear that right tone on the other end of the phone. I hope you'll let us know how you progress and if you need any additional specific help form any of us here.

Cyberhugs to you, Jill,
Tedi

Hi Jill,

I just wanted to send you a and let you know that you are not alone. I know it feels like it, but there are people that care.


Sharon

Hi: Yes, I'm wide awake and crying as I type this. I have used this site for probably more than what intended. I just like all the support you all give. My husband just dropped the kids off and I tried to talk to him. He is so cold to me and he talked to his lawyer today. Its official. I can't do anymore to change this situation. The funny thing is I tried so hard to be that good stay at home Mom and sacrifice everything for my family and was never unfaithful ever and where did it get me??? I'm still getting divorced. Its true we can only control our own actions but, why can't he see anything he did wrong?? I see all my faults and more what is the problem with him not seeing his own. I would feel so much better if he just admitted he did something wrong. It would be huge relief. Anyway I guess I will go to bed. I'm mentally and physically beyond exhaustion. Tomorrow night will be really hard. Its my first night without my little ones. I hope I can have a girl friend of mine spend the night. I don't want to be alone. Well good night girls and thanks for all the hugs. I'm sending them all in return to you. Jill-Wisconsin

Jill,
I have sent you a PM.