feeling that I am not the same person

Admin Note:
This thread got side-tracked from one about deteriorating eyesight after hyst........ That's why there are references to other ladies, eyesight, and taking over an existing thread.
It has been moved here, because it developed into an important thread on its own.

Why don't any of you sound angry? My doctor destroyed me!

About the eyesight part, it actually didn't occur to me until tonight that the hysterectomy has ruined my eyesight, along with the rest of my brain, body, spirit, sex-life, marriage and very soon--I thought it would be tonight--my life. I hate to leave my family with this burden, but I'm not the same person who I was before my unneccesary surgery, anyway. They didn't know it, but they lost me in December of 2001. That's when I naively thought my doctor was following that Hypocratic oath he took, of "first do no harm; that's when I trusted him and allowed him to do the surgery.

Back to the eyesight...I took a few weeks off from work for the surgery. When I returned to work, I needed reading glasses. My eyesight has deteriorated ever since. I had perfect vision before the surgery. It never occurred to me that it could be related. I only remember that when I sat at my work desk, I was astounded that I was only away for a month, and that before I left to have the surgery, I never needed glasses. I just thought I was getting old quickly.

For the record, my surgery was for a fibroid tumor, which I didn't even know I had until I went for a routine pap smear. I had no adverse symptoms. My hysterectomy included removal of uterus, cervix and ovaries. It also included the removal of the essence of my being. My life is over. There is no hope.

Dear Margie,
I'm so very very sorry that you are feeling so badly.

You sound like you are at the end of your rope - and that isn't a good place to be.

This surgery is hard enough to get through, without feeling that you didn't need to have it - that's a real crusher.

I'm sure your family is concerned about you - and would be very frightened for you if they saw this post.

Please talk to them - or someone, -- but don't continue to harbour these thoughts.

Yes, you are different than before your surgery, but I do believe that there are ways and means to help you feel better.

Remember how much you are loved - by your family and friends - and keep that in your heart - - but please, at the same time - look for a way to feel better - you cannot change the past, but you can make decisions about the future.

Please choose to have a future.

Hi Ladies,

I'm sorry that you have been having difficulties and changes with your eyesight. I know that I had planned on reading lots of books during recovery, and was surprised to find that I couldn't concentrate enough to read. With the help of my HRT and some time, my concentration did return. I got reading glasses for the first time in my life not too long before my hyst, and my eyesight has been the same. In fact, I still have the same reading glasses that I started with.

Margie....it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of issues. Please listen to CAS, you have a lot to live for and you need to choose your options for a positivie future. Please contact your physician, a counselor, or go to the nearest emergency department to discuss and work through these feelings of your life being over. There are a lot of people who care about you, including all of your HysterSisters!

Best wishes and s

Dear Cheryl and Tina (and all my other HysterSisters)

Thank you for replying and for expressing your concern. I'm very grateful that Hystersisters is here for me. I just discovered this wonderful group two days ago.

I have a doctor appointment today, but will not disclose the extent of my anxiety to him, because I realize he is the cause of it! How can I turn to him and expect help, when he is the very person who destroyed me? I have to go to him for the Premarin, which I ran out of last month, and which he would not re-prescribe without seeing me first.

My goal for today: to get the Premarin from the gynecologist without getting arrested or committed! (Trying to inject a bit of humor in there--I'm not really anticipating those exaggerated consequences.) Although I'll never be the whole person who I once was, I'm expecting that the HRT will stabilize me somewhat.

My family is aware of my struggles and are very supportive. But they don't know how to help me, and the truth is, the irreversible damage is done. Nobody can help me now.

You know, I've always been a health-conscious person. I don't drink, don't smoke, etc... Now I feel like it was all for naught! I'm a cynical person now. My new philosophy is, "You want to do drugs, go ahead! Because in one moment's event, your doctor can decimate your health irrevocably." I used to be a conscientious, law-abiding, warm-hearted, high-spirited female person. And now, I don't even recognize myself. I'm no longer "me".

Thanks for letting me vent here. When I first sat down at the computer, I was shaking and crying. I feel more composed now. I'm sorry if this is off the subject topic of "eyesight changes".

Margie

Dear Margie,
I'm glad you vented - (though I admit you scared me a bit!!!)
I hope that your hormone treatment can be sorted out to help you with some of the physical aspects of how you are feeling.

With the emotional aspects... that might take a bit longer - but I think getting the anger out of your system in a constructive way would be a good start.

Talk to us, talk to your face-to-face friends, and your family.
Maybe no one will be able to hand you the answers, but but reaching out, you will have someone to hold your hand when you feel badly --- and that has to help a bit.

Thank you, Cheryl.
I need to hear that that other people are living their lives post-surgery. I need some hope that, although I can never again be the Margie that I was, that somehow the remaining shreds and remnants of this empty person can find some slight meaning in living. I am forced to stay here because to not do so, would alter my daughters' lives. Although they are adults and don't need me to take care of them, it would still be traumatic for them.

My 18-year old keeps me grounded. She encourages me to write down my thoughts, feelings, experiences. It's not only therapeutic for me, but down the road it could even be helpful to someone else.

It was never my life's goal to make this my crusade. I used to have other dreams. Now, it's the only thing on my mind. I can't sleep at night. I cry all the time. I've totally isolated myself to the point where I don't even answer the phone or open my postal mail. I see my life in 2 sections--the before hysterectomy and the after one.

It was my ex-husband who found this site (HysterSisters). He was really excited about it for me. I'm grateful to him.

Cheryl and other Sisters, please be patient with me while I figure out how this forum system works. For example, now that I'm not discussing eyesight, how do I reply to Cheryl's post? Do I submit my responses somewhere else once I've changed the subject, and if so, how do I let people who were involved in the conversation, know where I've moved it to?

I feel like I'm abusing this forum now--that I'm taking up too much space, attention or something. I didn't realize how much I needed to talk about this until I did start writing here.

By the way...I've gained 50 pounds since my surgery! Is there a forum for weight gain here? I really hate myself. In 1999, I started working on a website to post my photography. It can only be viewed with Internet Explorer. If you want to see the person I used to be (and a few of my nature photos), click on my WWW on the left panel!

Hi Margie,
never feel you abusing us! One of our prime goals is to offer support - whether that be in the form of pure comfort or practical issues.

You might want to visit the ROAD forum, to find other women who have long term problmes, or the JUNGLE for hormone ideas.
With regards to weight issues there is the BEST forum.


I'm so glad that your ex helped you find us, and that your 18yr old is giving you such great support.

Maybe you have reached a critical point in your personal healing and now you are ready to make some kind of move... we'll do our best to help you.

Dear Margie:

I am so happy to meet you!!

I too feel a little numb and not quite the same as before but it's important that we stick together and get through all these thoughts and emotions. We can help one another and conquer all our fears and concerns together - and that's the beauty of this wonderful support site we have in Hystersisters!!

Please keep us posted and let us know how you are feeling and I will do the same.

Wishing you happiness and health!!!

Hi Everyone!

I want to thank Cheryl for setting up this new forum topic for me.

It's almost 2:00 a.m. here, and it's another night that I can't sleep. I feel so restless. I don't know what to do with myself to calm down. I'm really angry at my doctor. It's a long story, but when it was time for my Premarin refill, he was on vacation, and his staff wouldn't call the refill in without my setting up an appointment with him first. I told her I was totally out of pills, but she wouldn't do anything about it. The earliest appointment she could set up for me was 2 months away.

Well, without the Premarin, I went into full-blown menopause. The symptoms were excruciating! I couldn't sleep all night, and my moods went off the charts! I really felt like I was going insane! I've been depressed and angry, crying all the time and not being calm enough to even think straight. This is no way to live!

Finally, my appointment rolled around and I was able to meet with the doctor (after paying the required extortion fee). That was yesterday.

Tonight I've been trying to sleep for hours, without much success. What's been happening, is that when the distractions of the day are gone, I find myself lying awake, alone with my thoughts.

You know, I told my doc yesterday, that one of the things upsetting me is that when he performed that hysterectomy (uterus, cervix, ovaries), he essentially forced me to be dependent on him for that Premarin prescription! He now has more control over my mind and body than I do. When his office denied me the medication that I now need, I had nowhere else to turn. I felt as if I was abandoned without assistance, while I endured that traumatic downward spiral.

This is worse than a street drug dealer, because if the dealer isn't around, and the addict can't get his fix, there are lots of other dealers out there who would be willing to sell him what he needs.

Maybe I sound a bit dramatic here, but right or wrong, these are my feelings. This is what's real to me.

Well, now that I've gotten this out of my system, maybe I can get some sleep. Hopefully, I'll dream about a lighter subject, like perhaps a meteor crashing into my house!

Good Night, All!
Margie

p.s. The doctor refilled my Premarin prescription yesterday, but he told me it would take a few weeks before they start working. To me, that sounds like YEARS of suffering!

Dear Margie,

I am glad to see you are feeling so much better than yesterday.
And I'm glad you've explained what part of the problem is.
I can't imagine how horrible you must have been feeling - and I can't believe the dr's staff didn't slip you in for a quick appointment to get your perscription.

That's downright cruel.

I hope that the premarin starts kicking in before the 2 weeks, --- I bet you will feel like a different woman!!

Thank you so much for posting and letting us know how things went for you.


Here's to keeping on track now!!