to break up, or not to break up! That is my question!!

Hi ladies, I am going to try to keep this short as possible, but I am wondering if anyone else is having the same problem as me? And is it really what is going on, or is it just my emotions out of control? This is a very emotional time for all of us going through this, but to add to it...:My boyfriend of two years is really trying to be heplful with my upcoming TAH. But it is like I don't WANT him to be helpful. I don't WANT his advise. I don't want anything, except to be left alone. We haven't had the greatest relationship. He is very emotionally unstable.And I know that he loves me, too much, I think. And I have been thinking that we need to break up for some time now. It is not a "healthy" relationship. So right as I was trying to break it off, I found out about my upcoming surgery. And now he is just trying to be so understanding(but I don't feel like it is genuine, I feel like it is a tool to keep me here longer.), and he keeps telling me that I am not thinking clearly. And his overbearing, controlling, intrusive mother calls me and tells me how she was also like me,in her 20's when she had this sugery, and that I am just not myself and I need to wait until a few months after the surgery to make any decisions like this. But my feeling is that it is going to happen, so why wait? My parents want me to go move out of our house all in one day, and come stay with them.They are worried about me. I am just telling the tip of the iceberg, here. It is a very complicated and unusual situation. But I guess what my real question is is this: Am I really just out of my mind?(right now I feel like it!!) but why should this surgery put off a breakup that is inevitable? I kind of feel like I should just get it over with, and then after my surgery next week, I can heal and concentrate on MY life, a new life. Is this REALLY not the time to breakup? If anyone has had or is going through any knid of similar situation, please....advise!? I am an emotional wreck!

goin' crazy, I think!

I tend to think this sentence says it all.

"I kind of feel like I should just get it over with, and then after my surgery next week, I can heal and concentrate on MY life, a new life. "

If it was really, really ment to be, then after your surgery, after you've had time to concentrate on YOU, then the relationship could begin again. Usually, there will never be a 'right' time.

I left my first husband the day BEFORE his birthday! Projecting the next few months, I realised that after his birthday was when his parents were visiting, then something else, then Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, etc. It was going to be at least 6 more months before a 'right' time to leave him would have been! I couldn't waste anymore of my life. Just like you, I needed to concentrate on MY life. Some still think I'm a terrible person for leaving him the day before his birthday, but what? do it on his birthday? the day after? when his parents were visiting!? I finally decided to do it when it was a good time for me.

So my advice would be to make the decision based on your needs, not if you think it's a good time pre or post surgery, but basesd on your happiness.

Things are already going crazy inside your body. You need to do what you feel is going to be right for you. Good luck. I had a tvh last week and i know that my head is still not in the right place. I am way snappy. I feel sorry for my family. Where in Washington do you live? I live in Portland Or. Only 15min from Vancouver. I am also fairly young to be going through all of this. I know that this is all alot to deal with hang on. take care.

Things are already going crazy inside your body. You need to do what you feel is going to be right for you. Good luck. I had a tvh last week and i know that my head is still not in the right place. I am way snappy. I feel sorry for my family. Where in Washington do you live? I live in Portland Or. Only 15min from Vancouver. I am also fairly young to be going through all of this. I know that this is all alot to deal with hang on. take care.

If you feel in your heart that it is the right thing to do - and it will put your mind at ease - and you don't love him - than break up with him (ESPECIALLY if his presence during your recovery may make you uncomfortable).

I know, for me, once I lose "that feeling" with someone, just being around that person stresses me out.

Do what is right for you - the time to be selfish is now. And, there is no sense in giving him false hopes either.


Lori

You are not going crazy, even though it feels like you are. You know your own heart, still, even through this emotional rollercoaster that you are on. There is never a RIGHT time for a break up. You knew before your impending surgery, that this was inevitable, correct? It is very difficult not to be controlled by the manipulative around us. Stand up for what you know in your quiet place to be your own truth. If you want this done now, then don't listen to his mother or him. Let yourself heal and concentrate on you and your new life. If you have the type of love that can last, you will find your way back to one another anyway. If he can love you with the highest form of love and affection, he will respect your needs enough to not try and sway you to his wishes. I think it is wonderful that you have the strength of self to be honest within yourself and know what is right for you. I once broke up with a man I had been with for some time three days after his birthday, because I couldn't bear to do it before his birthday, and thought I was being kind. He was outraged to think that I waited until then, if it was in my mind before that and threw that up in my face continually. We re-connected for a while, but I never stopped hearing about that. If someone wants to find things to use as tools for their own end, they will always find something!!! Even if you are just unsure, it is perfectly acceptable for you to say that you need some time alone, with the understanding that you have no expectations on him in the meantime. Wow, I've rambled on long enough. Feel free to pm me, if you want or need. I'll be thinking of you! Leslie

Thank you all for your advise. I feel a lot better, because now I know that I am not totally insane! You guys all pretty much said what I thought myself! Thanks again...I know that this place is supposed to be for hyst. info, etc...but my TAH is coming up next week, and this was really stressing me out. Just wanted someone to tell me if it was just my wacked-out hormones, or if I was actually making sense.
Each one of you gave me good advise! Hope you are all well, at whatever part of the Hyst. journey you a in right now.

Thanks a lot
Dani

Hi--Only you know your own relationship and this man. But let me say that I have been riding an emotional rollercoaster since I found out I was having this surgery. Last week I hated my husband so much that I could barely look at him. This week I don't want him out of my sight! After the initial learning curve, he has done a great job of being supportive. I think alot of men, in a misguided attempt to be helpful, offer too many opinions instead of just saying "I'm here and I support you." Anyway, tomorrow something could set me off and I could be ready to divorce him!

In terms of your relationship--do what you feel is right. It sounds like there are some issues there. But I can tell you that with every bone in my body last week I was ready to divorce my DH and this week I worship him! I am so hormonal and psycho! ha ha!

Have your surgery and focus on you. If he's a jerk during the recovery period, you'll have a good excuse to keep him away while you think.