Searching For my courage beyond fear

Hi. I am feeling somewhat overwhelmed since my doctor recommended a Laparoscopic Vaginal Hysterectomy (keeping ovaries) only days ago. I am 29 years of age with a longstanding history of Path. confirmed Endometriosis and Pelvic Pain. I have experienced 6 related surgeries, 2 laps, 4 D&C's, a period of infertility, Presacral Neurectomy, and complications following the blessing of our two children which included D&C's for retained products (related to lining abnormalities), hemorrhage and severe uterine infection (endometritis). I have tried various medical treatments, surgical, and even alternative treatments. There are moments that I rejoice in the vision of a vital and healthy young woman, a woman I want so much to be, and I wonder could that really be me? Other times since my appointment I feel like I must have been dreaming my doctor said Hysterectomy, could that really be me? My doctor truly believes that I could have a better quality of life. She has done two of my surgeries, has treated myseslf and my family with such kindness and has always given us hope. Her skill is only second to her great compassion. I do know that I trust her, and I do feel she genuinely cares about me. I take comfort in that. I believe that the possibility of having a better life is real...but so great are my fears. It is almost asthough fear is the dragon that sits before the "Castle" and keeps me from the possibility of living "happily ever after." Because of some previous surgical experiences, including open heart surgery at a very young age, I am very scared about the going to sleep part of the operation. I worry about what it will feel like this time? About waking up? I worry about my children while I am away from home? I wonder how I will find peace that I so desire, and courage, and closure? A dear friend reminded me the other day that I had always said I prayed the answer would be clear. I pray that I will now be able to find peace, acceptance, hope...and courage to go forward.

i held off the hysterectomy because dh and i wnated another baby .

With each p;assing mmonth of unsuccessful tries I had painful ( LITERALLY ) reminders of our failure . We have two kids .

One days I told him : I have no quality of life . Im sick , nauseous or in pain three weeks of each month and thats not how I want to live .

One day I collapsed at home unable to walk Goodness knows how I managedto crawl to my bed and use my mobile to call for help .I was alone with my daughter as my son was at school .

My Doctor called back and asked that I get to the hospital and admit myself . One thing led to another and within two days my womb went .he was frank he said my chances of anotherw ere very slim . In the past we had discussed the possibility of a hysterectomy .

I have a long history ( over 20 years ) of period pain . I have had two laparascopies and one DnC , two courses of hormone treatment , two c sections now this .

Im glad I went through with it . The OT staff were great . They were chirpy . It helps to let them know you are afraid .

I wish you the peace of mind and hope that eventually you will coem to a decision you can live with . You can buy time with lucrin or lupron but eventually the pains will come back .

mei

Dear sister,

My own history sounds alot like yours -- I had endometritis post-partum and severe pain after that. It took several months to get the uterine infection under control and during that time, I developed severe adenomyosis. It was incredibly painful, but we were not sure what the problem was (one dr. thought maybe adhesions). But I wanted more children, was worried about many of the things I am sure you are worried about, as well. I lived with the pain for 2 years, but my quality of life really deteriorated in that time. My heart was broken by the experience. My own fear was less of the surgery and more of the loss.

I am certain that if I had not had the hysterectomy I would not be here today -- the pain was so completely overwhelming for me that I could not physically have existed with it for much longer. And for me, that was the decision maker. As much as I feared my own loss, and the great unknowns (and there are many uncertainties, don't minimize them and don't allow yourself to be minimized for having these concerns, whatever they may be) in the end, I made the decision for my children. They really needed me to be there for them, and without the awful pain. They were so glad to have there mom back, at least more present and less depressed and suicidal than I was before the surgery. Sadly, I continue to suffer severe and chronic arthritic pain, and so I am not as present as I truly wish I could be ... but my relationship with my children was made stonger and better after the surgery.

When a wife and mother is in pain, the entire family is effected. My own children have suffered greatly from my pain ... but to be honest, I also believe they are more compassionate human beings because to the way we moved through the experience -- always trying to remember to go toward God. Not always easy, but never wrong. You truly will find the answer you need to move you forward. It may not be the one you wanted or hoped for, but it will be the answer God has for your life. It is OK to pray for physical healing.

Please ask your doctor about the possibility of using epidural anesthesia. There are a number of posts (many very positive) on this site about this if you search for "spinal" or "epidural." This may ally the fears you have about sleeping. Just stay awake!

Since you are using the princess metaphor so wonderfully, please reread the stories of Sleeping Beauty. She awoke to her family, her castle, her kingdom, a new prince and did find her happily ever after. I took a picture cube of my children and they placed it on my chest for when I was waking up. It was a beautiful beautiful reminder to wake up to my reason for living and breathing in this world, after the surgery I feared much and also hoped for so much.

I will keep you in my prayers. Stay close to your heart and you will be OK no matter what decisions you make, or what happens as a result of God's infinite will or man's lesser will.

With love and light,
Loretta

Hi. I am 29, too. I am going in next week for my hyst. I just wanted to tell you that I will be praying for you. I have had a lot of pain, also. I think the reason I am able to be so sure about my surgery it for my daughter. She is only 6 and she knows how much pain I have been in. She knows how much I want to go and do things with her, and then the time comes, and I just physically can't do it. And she sits there with me while I cry, trying to comfort ME. When I am the mommy, I am the one who is supposed to comfort her, and make her be alright! I know it is a scary thing to face. And everyone is very different in their emotional and physical ways of dealing with it. But just know that you are not alone. There are so many wonderful women here that can answer your questions, and just lend some support when you need it. And pray for you and your family, as well. Good luck in your journey.

i am also 29 and have had the same problem as you. when my Dr said i needed the hysterectomy i was a bit shaken. along with all the monthly pain i have had 3 successful pregnancy out of 7 try's the last just recently. so i know what you are going through but my Dr (and i did get the second opinion) feels that it is the best decision and does not think if i was to get pregnant again could even carry it for long. since my wake up to reality (or should i say falling asleep) i have been weaning my DS from nursing and i think for me the hardest part is knowing i wont be able to hold him for a long wile. i send you blessings and say put your faith in your DR and whatever deity you wish to find the strength and let your self know you are making the right choice. i wish you lots of luck and send you all the love and blessings you need

It is easier than you would think -- my daughter was 2, so she could climb up on the bed, or couch, or whatever. And we had a very special "tummy pillow" that I used whenever the kids came to be cuddled -- it really protected me from their feet and hands and also protected them from worrying about hurting me. Just support your DS/DD with lots of pillows and you can cuddle immediately.

I guess the scariest thing after one of my surgeries for my DS (he was 5 at the time) was the IV. He kept saying "take that out of my Mommy!" A little while later, we watched a show on TLC on some surgical procedure, where he saw an IV and he really understood. Maybe something like that would help ahead of time -- to show them that it is just for medicine to help you heal.

With love and light and prayers for all of you,
Loretta