No support from mother

Boy, am I glad to hear I'm not alone. When I was diagnosed with uterine cancer in mid-October I told my mother we would not be coming to her big 80th birthday party December 31st. I knew I would not be up to traveling, and furthermore, my husband used all his personal days from work to take care of me. It's a day's drive away, but over 3 mountain passes--I told her I also wouldn't come without my husband. Not a month after the surgery she started pushing me to come anyway, alone, traveling through Denver Int. at the height of the flu season--and in trying to rehab from the hysterectomy I tore my meniscus (knee cartilage)December 17th and could barely walk anyway, let alone get through that airport. ( I had to have arthroscopic surgery Feb. 19th to repair it) I just refused to answer her letters through December, but when she called on Christmas Day, I answered, trying to be a good daughter--who wouldn't want to do that? She didn't ask how I was doing, she didn't ask anything about me, the first thing out of her mouth was: " There'll be a big hole in the family if you don't come--blah, blah, blah." I saw red. My mother was putting her desire to have me at a birthday party over my health and well-being? I couldn't believe it. I just said, "Mother, I didn't get cancer just to bug you!" and I hung up. Haven't spoken to her since.
It hurts, but I'm in therapy and my therapist says she has narcississtic personality disorder and my well-being is the last on her list. Apparently I'm driving her crazy because I won't communicate with her--I've withdrawn some of her narcississtic supply, I guess. But ladies, we only have one chance to get well, we have to do it right, listen to your doctor!! If I had it to do over again I would say to my mother, "what part of no don't you understand?" She had 70 attendees at the party according to my sister-in-law, so I don't think my absence was missed all that much. What would they have done with the "hole in the family" if I had died, for heaven's sake!!! Thanks, gang, for letting me vent!! I'm getting to be more of a tygercat every day--cancer will do that to you!!

TygerCat1,
(HUGSSSSS) Hang in there, I know exactly how mothers can be. Make amends with her though. My mother died last December 27th and I chose school over her. She was 83 at the time. Over the years we did not get along and she ignored my 5 beautiful kids to get back at me. I always said her loss but it was all of ours loss. Don't make the same mistake I made. My kids never knew what it was like to have grandparents. You have quite a bit of mileage between you, so you can avoid seeing her on a regular basis (mine was only a town away). Believe me, I know how hard it is and what you are going through. For the record, I don't blame you for not traveling to her birthday party, I wouldn't have either. Your doctor probably told you not to and you can tell her that as a way to smooth things over. I am on your side and you can vent with us anytime you like, we are all good listeners here.
Toni

HI Tygercat1

I'm sorry that your mom refused to see and understand your situation - I can see that really hurt you and made you angry - I would have felt the same way.

You did what you had to do to take care of yourself.

Even though there were 70 some people at the party, I believe that it is still quite possible (quite likely even) that your mom missed having you there - I'm not saying that to make you feel badly at all - I support your decision to stay home and take care of yourself , but looking at it from her point of view-- friends are one thing, family is another.

I hope that with time you will feel less hurt and angry and that there comes a time when you want to reach out and try again with your mom.

best wishes