Having Hard Time Asking For Help

I am scheduled to have a TAH (hopefully keeping ovaries though) on April 28th, and I should be in the hospital for two days. My doctor has told me that I should have someone at home with me the first week I'm out of the hospital. My DH is taking surgery day, Friday, Sat., & Mon. off from work to take care of me, but that's all he can take off.

So, I'll be left with a few days of needing someone to stay with me at home...especially for the 2 days that my DH has to be out of town on business. My dr. said that I definitely should not stay by myself overnight when dh is out of town.

I don't have any relatives to ask to help me out (my mom & dad are deceased, and I don't have any brothers or sisters). My husband's family (his mom & two sisters) live out of town and are unable to come up to help out, because of their own family obligations.

I don't have any really good friends...I can think of four people I could possibly ask to come & stay with me, but I'm having a really hard time picking up the phone to call any of them. I've been a good friend to them all, but three of them are becoming "fairweather" friends, so to speak.

The other thing is that they work outside the home, and they'd have to take vacation day(s) off from work. I also am really bad about asking people to help me out anyway...I'm always the one there to help out others, but I'm so independent when it comes to my needs.

I thought I'd post this here, and possibly get some opinions or ideas on what I should do. (We can't afford to hire someone to come in & take care of me either).

Thanks for listening... -Robin

hi robin.
I know what you mean by wanting to go through this alone and the fairweather friends. I am so lucky that, due to no actions of my own, my dbf will be with me, working from home. If it werent for him, I truly believe that I would go through this by myself. I , too, have always been the one to take care of other people...asking for help makes me feel so vulnerable. I don't even want other people to know about my surgery. And those 3 or 4 friends that I used to have...once I started getting unexplicably tired, swollen, and sick, and couldn't pick up their groceries when I went, or watch their kids when they went out to look for a 'new daddy' or house/dog sat while they went on vacation, they stopped calling. I guess I had a role to fill, and wasn't doing the job anymore. Right now, I would rather be alone than disappointed in people anymore.
I don't have any advice for you, just understanding.
akita

Hi Akita...thanks for your response to my posting. They say that true friends are those people who don't disappear during the rough times, but I guess some people just can't handle it.

You sound like me, I haven't told anyone yet about my having to have a hysterectomy...my husband has told a few people so far, but I haven't.

I suppose I'm just going to pick up the phone & call a few people tonight to see if they can help out after I get home from the castle...I'm not sure what "plan b" will be if they can't help out.

Maybe if you explain your situation to you Dr and Insurance company they "may" pay for a visiting nurse.

I had my TAH a week ago Monday...by Friday was in/out of bed "ok" solo. When you get to those days and you feel you need someone there to help you out, call anyone and everyone you can come up with.

Glad to hear DH will be there for those days. You "should" be fine, but really, when it comes to those days take care to make sure you have easy to get to food/water and that you can manage to the potty solo...the rest of the time, lay low and rest.

I've been home alone all day everyday (except for the weekend when DH was here) and have been just fine.

I am so glad to have found this site. I too have no one to help. I am single mom of an 8 yr old boy. I move to Santa Rosa 18 months ago. My closest friend left the area in Dec. I am pretty much on my own. I am going to ask MD if I can postpone hys until mid-June when school lets out. My son attends school on the other side of town and I don't have anyone to drive him to school. Getting him home is much easier since he attends day care or plays sports after school. I know the moms on the soccer team that usually take him to practices (he plays competitive soccer) will not mind bringing him home. Most of my friends have outside jobs and children of their own. My neighbor is helpful but is a sometimes-frail 65 yo. She's wonderful but not always healthy.

It's difficult in this busy rushed world we occupy to ask for help. My sister lives 50 miles away, and is also a single mom.

The Post Header is: Having Hard Time Asking For Help

The best anyone can do is Ask. But that's not the hardest part.

Hearing "sorry" or "no" is the hard part. So be prepared, and say, "that's ok, thanks anyway". Some people will not be able to take that time, but you just might be surprised by someone that does have that time.

It's "ok" to ask for help, most people are glad to do it, when asked. Sometimes offering is awkard for us. Think of funerals...nobody knows what to do or say, but the minute you give a directive or a request, it's done.

MsLiz, it's totally ok to move your dates around to accomodate your routine. I made sure my date was scheduled for after a critical part in planting our vineyard. We all have priorities.

Good luck to all of you! Help is out there, go and Get it!!

If I were you I'd tell everyone you know about the upcoming surgery and see who offers help. Before my surgery, my most offers of help actually came from friends that I am not all that close with. I was so surprised. I didn't need help because DH was there, but my next door neighbor lady offered to grocery shop if needed. (guess she realized my DH would be like a fish out of water in the grocery store) She also brought over a huge pot of beef stew, big green salad, and corn bread that we were able to eat on for 2 or 3 meals. My best friend never even did that much.

You probably don't need to ask your friends to take time off from work - you should be fine on your own during the day by that point, but need someone with you at night (mostly to help with stuff that you couldn't do during the day).

Why not ask your friends if they could spend several nights with you after work while your husband is away - if they could help you get set up for teh day before they leave for work (like your husband would do if he was home), then help you out after they come home from work, that will probably be enough.

I might suggest making a lot of meals and freezing them, so you'll have quick easy things to eat during the days you're alone, but I do think you'd be fine.

Just my two cents, however!!

I had a TAH/BSO on Friday, and by Monday I could pretty much do whatever I needed to do. I had my freezer stocked with food, and juice, soup, etc. in the pantry. Is there someone who can check on you during the day? If not, ask your dh to fix you some lunch before he leaves and put it in the fridge for you. Then get him to fix your pillows, hand you trashy novels, and you should be fine! Take a shower at night when he's there, just in case, and alert a neighbor or two, just as a precaution.