Irrational emotions!!

Ok, here I am less than 24 hours away. I have prayed alot about making the decision and I know with all my heart it is the right one. Everything is ready, all my packing done, housework done, arrangements for recovery done, checklist complete. Everything should be good now, right. WRONG!!!

I have this completely and totally irrational fear of staying in the hospital. I am not afraid of the surgery or the anesthesia. I have had two c-sections both stays were nothing but good. I have also had two back surgeries which I was able to go home same day. No-one could believe that they were day surgeries but believe me when dr said day surgery I was elated. I have spent the last two months going over this fear with my mom and dh over and over again, just the thought of being there by myself sends me into anxiety attack. I have no rational or irrational explanation for this. They both told me over and over again not to worry they would not let me be there by myself. So, here is the problem. Dh can only get off work two days so he said he would be there the day of surgery and the day I go home. Mom said she would be there the two days in between. Great I am covered, not! Friday mom says my sister can't find a babysitter for Wed. and one of her houses says she just has to have her clean. My dh says somehthing last night about he will come when he gets off work but that he never intended on spending the night. Ok panic attack has set in, could not sleep last night, heart beating out of my chest, breathing irradict(sp?).

I feel so selfish for feeling this way. I know the hospital staff is perfectly capable of taking care of me. The funny thing is I don't think it really has anything thing to do with the helping me to the bathroom, etc.... I feel it's more like a protector issue. I can't imagine what I need protection from, but it is still there. This is so unlike me I am a very rational and logical person and yet this is so irrational and illogical.

I am so sorry this is so long. I just don't want to make anyone feel guilty for not being able to be there. I told them well I will just have to deal with it. What is that saying about what don't kill you makes you stronger and something about facing your fears head on. UGH, I just don't want to.

Thanks for letting me vent as I really don't feel like I can go to anyone else without making them feel guilty.

Ok, take a deep breath, slowly......in, out. Relax.

First, 's are in order. You sound like a very organized person for getting all your affairs in order prior to surgery. That is a task that not everyone can accomplish. Just know that we are all here for you and you can come here with anything.

Well, the way I see it, I think you know your answer already, you're just frightened. I'm sure that your family knows your desire to not be alone and they will do their very best to make sure that is carried out. However, because of the scheduling conflicts that you were talking about, it does sound like you might have to spend some time alone. You will be able to handle this. I think when you said "I told them well I will just have to deal with it", you know that is what you are going to have to do. You can do it.
Are you expecting visitors in the hospital??? Other family and friends??? This might help to fill the gap when your husband or mother can't be there.
I would say that if your desire is to have your husband and mother there as much as possible, then go for it. But, just remember that you are recovering and you will want to sleep a lot of the time you are in the hospital. This is great for you, but makes it very boring for those there with you. They will be there for the majority of the time it sounds, so just have faith in the nurses and let them do their job, and take the opportunity of time alone to get in a good nap, or watch a show you don't usually get to watch, or something like that.

I was glad to not have anyone there at times. When people were there, I felt I had to entertain....not that I was going to have a party....but just felt I needed to be awake, alert, smiling, hair combed, etc. Then there were times I felt lonely and wished my husband was there with me at 3 a.m. Then it would come time for Percoset and back to sleep I went.

I'll be thinking of you, and I know that you will be able to get through it. Just keep in mind how much better you will feel when it's all over.

Take care,
Erica