I have no idea if this is the right place to post this, or even if there is a right place, but I just need to rant a bit, I guess.
I've only had three hours of sleep, so I am sure lack of sleep is contributing to my mood, but I don't care. I'm sick of this up and down crap with my emotions. I'm so tired of being up one day and so unbelievably down the next. I'm tired of feeling good one day and then in so much pain all I want to do is curl up in bed the next. I'm sick of it all. My surgery hasn't even been scheduled, heck, I haven't even made the final choice to even HAVE the darn surgery, and I'm already sick of it all.
I'm so tired of being so far away from family and friends. I feel like the few friends I do have are pulling further and further away from me and I can only guess it is because of my constant pain. I feel like a pariah. One friend has totally lost it and when I tried to open the doors for dialogue to mend fences, she completely denied the extremely shabby treatment she has given me, basically telling me that I was "remembering" it all wrong. She refuses to accept responsibility for her part it all of it. I am absolutely livid and I want nothing to do with her ever, ever again. I am more hurt than I have words to express. What the hell kind of friend does that to someone she supposedly cares about???
My friendship with my another friend has been dwindling for months. She makes no effort to keep in touch, and when we do talk, she never talks about anything except herself and how stressed out she is. She has two beautiful baby boys, a lovely home, lots of money, etc. etc. and all she can do is GRIPE. I wish I had HER stress! I wish I had no pain and two babies to take care of! I wish I had no financial worries! What a hard life she has. I try to be there for her but apparently she has no interest in being there for me. I feel like it won't be long before our friendship is relagated to the "Christmas card" category and I never hear from her again. I emailed another friend who hasn't bothered to keep in touch, just saying hi and how are you, and the email was returned as undeliverable. Seems she has changed her email and hasn't bothered to tell me. Guess she doesn't care to remain in contact.
My family is in America, but I live in Canada with my husband. Even my family can't much be bothered to send emails. We live in an instant society where communication can be instantaneous and we no longer have to wait weeks for a letter to be delivered, but obviously, sitting down and typing a few lousy lines of an email to say they love and miss me is just too difficult! I feel isolated and alone and I'm so lonely some days I feel like screaming. My husband tries to understand, but he is not close to his family so if he doesn't hear from them, that's fine with him. We laugh and joke with each other that he is Red Foreman from "That 70's Show" because he doesn't like people (as a rule LOL) so he doesn't care if his friends treat him like crap. If they do, big deal, he moves on. I wish I could be like that. But noooooo, I go back for more abuse trying to make it all better. I guess I like being treated like doggy doo. At this point I feel like becoming a hermit and never talking to anyone ever again. My so-called "friends" aren't there for me anyway so why should I bother? I wish I was a turtle. I would crawl into my shell and never come out again.
I completely wore myself out working in my father-in-law's vegetable garden this past weekend. As much as I enjoyed working outside and as much as I love gardening, I am paying for it and having to take more pain medication ever since.
My sleep cycle is completely whacked out and I don't know why. I am exhausted all the time, but can't sleep for longer than a few hours at a time. I'm still waiting for my blood work results to see if I am anemic. I'm probably not, which means I will still have no explanation for my constant exhaustion. Nothing else about my body makes sense, I don't know why I should try to make sense of this. How stupid of me.
I sound like my friend. I make myself sick. Is there a way to divorce myself? I am such a GROUCH today! I'm going back to bed.
You sound like me before I had surgery. I was ready to give my kids to the ex and run away forever. Glad I didn't.
I think it is people just don't understand the pain we are in, why should they? they don't feel it. as for friends you have some here that's a for sure.
Even though you have eveything intact still..you're hormones can be raging and if you feel exhausted.you probably are anemic..being in pain takes alot out of you as well.
Try to take time to make yourself feel better..to heck with everyone else for now.
When I started to feel that down side coming up fast on me..to the tub,bubbles ,candles and a nice glass of red don't forget some tunes. Believe me get your tub time now..it may be awhile before you can do it again.
I am two weeks post op now and feel so much more alive than I have for a very long time. It will get better once you have the surgery.
Sorry to hear about your friends, they don't sound like good friends to me, but remember that you have good friends here at hystersisters!!
Like Arlene said, the heck with everyone else. I had friends like yours and I even stopped the christmas cards, one would say, "whats wrong with you now" in a sarcastic manner, who needs that, then another who always talked about her 3 children and her husbands 6 figure income and all the shopping she does, blah blah blah, never asked about me or anything all about her, Who needs friends like that,
My friends are my family and sometimes they are even to busy to call or anything in their own world,
Please try to take a nice hot bath, listen to some relaxing music you like and relax maybe get a good book to get into, there was a post a few weeks ago about all the hystersisters favorite books and authors, maybe one of those suggested would work,
Please don't dissapear like a hermit, you have friends here who care about you and want you to feel better,
I just want to send you a big . I am so sorry about your friends. So many times people just don't understand what it is like to be placed in anothers shoes. We hear do. I wan to let you know that you always have friends hear who are willing to listen and be here for you.
When we go through times like this, we find out who our REAL friends are... I lost a few friends before my hyst. There were people who just did not want to deal with it, to hear about the pain... so they are out of my life now. Sometimes I think wistfully about them, but mostly I've moved on. The people who really love me stuck with me through everything.