list your fears!

I put this in my journal, but thought others might like to list their worries too. It helps to get them out of my head into some organized form. Otherwise they are just vague flights of thoughts that I can't really examine and deal with.

I figured I should list my worries quickly, off the top of my head, then get them out in the open. Then I can do it again in a week, or after surgery and see how my perspective changes.
My current worries:

MY BIG, A-1, NUMBER ONE WORRY: I WILL PUKE AND PUKE AFTER SURGERY FOR DAYS LIKE I DID AFTER ANOTHER SURGERY AND IT WILL REALLY REALLY HURT, AND ALSO PUKING IS SO AWFUL AND HURTS THE THROAT,STOMACH AND HEAD. My friend had a hyster 1 year ago and puked for 8 days! Yikes, that really has me going.

Smaller worries:
1. The surgery and recovery time will get me off target and I will never get fit again.
2. I will gain back all the weight with the time laying around since I won't be getting my current intensity of exercise.
3. That I will have such a hideous scar I won't be able to stand looking at myself.
4. That I will be forever numb in the abdominal area-the PS said this probably could happen.
5. That I will have a headache the rest of my life.
6. That the tummy tuck will make my front look good, then it will make my large sagging boobs look really bad.
7. That I will be permanently disabled after surgery and never be able to work again.
8. That I will never want sex again.
9. That I will have a back ache the rest of my life.
10. That I won't be able to sleep for months or more.
11. That my back will hurt so bad after surgery that I will go crazy.
12. That I will be conscious when they strap me down-I can't stand the thought of arms and legs being strapped down.
13. That I will lose control and just start screaming at some point during this.

There it is, all on the table now-all the fears I currently am having. I figured I should list my worries quickly, off the top of my head, then get them out in the open. Then I can do it again in a week, or after surgery and see how my perspective changes.

(((PLL)))
What an awesome idea. Like you, I need to write things down in order to get them out in the open. It's like once they are on paper, or on my monitor, then I have something tangible to deal with. If I can see it, then I can OWN it! I'll join you in listing my fears, which could change as my castle day is only 4 days away! These are in no particular order

1) pain control will not be adequate in the castle
2) I will have to shower with help from someone...I don't want anyone seeing me naked!
3) anaesthesiologist deciding to use an epidural and sedation instead of a general anaesthetic
4) surgery being postponed or cancelled.
5) catching a cold and coughing after surgery OOOOWWWW!
6) surgery not getting rid of my constant pain
7) endo recurring and needing to have my ovaries out
8) having to come home with a catheter (I have a catheter phobia)
9) bowel problems post op (they're bad enough as it is)
10) gaining a ton of weight while I'm inactive for a few weeks
11) infection (I"m VERY prone to them)

That's all I can think of for now, but may be back to edit this several times today, due to mood swings and racing thoughts! I'm going to copy this into my journal too.

much love
Tam

Things I am dreading because they are unpleasant:
Bowel prep: would rather drink anything than take an enema
Catheter: never had one, so I think it may hurt
Vomiting: I did it during labor with DS1 and it was not fun.

I already know the preop and recovery crew is wonderful at my hosp because I've used it before, but I don't know what the ward care will be like.

Things I outright fear:

Losing a lot of blood
Having them find some bad surprises in there. I will not be shocked if I wake up without ovaries, but I hope they are only cystic and not cancerous.

Everything else, I think I"ll just take as it comes. I think I have a pretty high pain tolerance, from natural childbirth of 9 and 10 pound babies, and not needing narcotics at all after the embolization and ablation.

Things that make me feel more calm about this so far:

Both docs will be there, they've worked on me before and they are very sweet right before you get put out.

Because it's a religious hospital, the last thing you see as they wheel you into surgical area is a crucifix, which is comforting to me.

I know the chaplains because they are stationed at my home parish.

DH is very supportive, capable of doing all the household stuff and available to me 24/7 after the surgery.

My mom's good example of having a normal life and sex life after the same surgery many years ago.

My biggest fear? EVERYTHING! lol - I had to get my doc to prescribe me sleeping pills and nerve pills to get me through till wednesday.
I do have a BIG fear of the surgery being postponed. I have wanted & needed this so bad for years! If that should happen, I would NOT reschedule. I hate to sound that way after all the problems I have had...but this pre-op waiting game is about to get the best of me. This has consumed my life the past few weeks.
I'm a little worried about the gas pains. I've read several posts here about that. But Doc told me yesterday that he had that covered and not to worry.
Maybe a little worried about not waking up from the anesthesia. Not about dying...."cause I know I would be going home"
But not accomplishing things I want to do in the future. Foster care, some medical missionary work, see the Grand Canyon..lol
I think the biggest fear for most of us is the unknown. Don't ya think? Hugs to all, Trina

Ok here goes my list:

1. Not waking up or waking up in heaven. That wouldn't be so bad BUT I really want to see my kids grow up.

2. Trouble during surgery. I had a myomectomy (spelling?) in April and it went terribly wrong. I was bleeding uncontrollably and they ended up puncturing my uterus. Plus I was admitted to the hospital when it was supposed to be outpatient surgery. Not fun.

3. Pain. I've been through labor without pain relief and it's no cake walk. I don't want to feel that kind of pain again ever.

4. Being kept captive in the hospital like a prisoner. I really don't like staying in hospitals. I already told my doc and my DH that I'm breaking out of there as soon as I can walk and am coherent.

5. The BM deal. I don't like pooping or talking about it in every day life. How in the world am I going to talk about it at the hospital with strangers? I might have to move this one up to the top of the list.

Thanks for starting this thread! It felt good to actually write out what's been bothering me.

Ann Marie

Speaking post-operatively, maybe I can reassure some of you. As I don't know your specific medical situations, not all my suggestions will work for everyone. (Sorry for the disclaimer but you know how it is! )

I always vomit after anesthesia but there is a medication they can give you to prevent that. I told my doctor, my anesthesiologist, the nurse, anyone who would listen, to make sure that I received that medicine immediately. No wait-and-see. They took care of it and I never once felt queasy.

I did not have too much trouble with pain. I was on a constant drip with a 'power-booster' button I could push when I needed extra help.

I did need help with my first shower but it really wasn't any big deal. I was lucky that my DH helped me but by that time I really didn't care if it was Santa Clause. I wanted that shower!

Also, I had to come home with a catheter and I needed help with it in the hospital (I leaked urine around the catheter during a BM). But my nurse was fabulous and very reassuring. The thing to remember is that the nurses deal with this stuff every day. While it's embarrasing to us, it's normal to them. My nurse had even gone through virtually the same surgery I had 6 months before so she could relate.

I really did find that the waiting was the hardest part and I think you all will find that you just deal with whatever comes up when it does.

What a great idea! Here are mine so far:

- I go totally insane waiting for the big day.
- I continue to feel worse and worse and can't do all the things I've planned between now and then.
- They don't take my ovaries and the endo pain comes back along with PMS.
- They do take my ovaries and we can't get the hormones right.
- I gain a ton of weight.
- Being totally helpless in the hospital.
- Surgery gets postponed for some reason.

The pain issue doesn't bother me so much, and I'm not worried about what could go wrong in surgery (that may change as the date gets closer).

I had an emergency appendectomy 2 years ago, and was only aware of the catheter when they took it out. There was a little discomfort for a couple of days, but that was it. I am hopeful this time will be similar.

My husband is wonderful and will be great, but I worry about him worrying too much about me and trying to do too much.

It's weird, but I am not afraid of dying (I guess its my faith!).

I feel better just writing (typing) my thoughts out. Thanks.

Speaking post-op also, here are a few enlightenments:

1. I was able to skip the shower by using those body wash cloths. I brought some from home, but hosp. also had them. They worked fine. I was in hosp. for 8 days. DH would wash my hair over the sink. It was nice to take shower once I got home.

2. Bodily functions in the hosp: Now hear this:

Look, the nurses & nursing assistants deal with this stuff all darn day long. It is "nothing" to them, they will record each and every output you do. Besides taking your vitals, the output monitoring is very important. I was embarrassed by all this stuff at first, but really - it's nothing to them. For me, they put a plastic "hat" shaped container in the toilet. Every time I went, it went in the container and I could not flush it.
They would (or else I would ring them) to come and record the contents, rinse & flush it out. This was the worst part for me, not being able to privately "go" and push the handle to make it "go away."

Otherwise, I did encounter several of your fears listed...but they weren't my fears at all going in. I am having a very nice recovery. No matter what happened, the surgical team was able to respond.

Hope this helps,
Nancym

When I made my decision, I suddenly had a moment of enlightenment that got me out of the fear of not seeing my kids grow up.

My faith has to be big enough that God will take care of them even if He calls me home. And I have to believe He will call me to a place where there are no more tears.

I don't know HOW it won't bother me not to be with them, but I have faith that it Will not be a pain to me to be in heaven.

Am I just weird or what?

Joanne,

I don't think its weird at all -- just part of what faith is all about.