broken heart

hello everyone,
I am new to this site. I am a 23 year old mother of 2 and wife who is going to have a hysterectomy in November of this year because of cervical dysplaysia. My heart is shattered because I have and still do want another child. I try to be greatful for the 2 little girls I have and I am but I want to feel another life growing inside of me and take part in the wonderful miracle of life. I don't know how to deal with this deep sadness. Everyone keeps telling me that it's better for me to be alive and have the two I have then to risk my life to have another but I just feel like they just don't understand because they've never had to go through this. I'm so afraid of everything. I'm scared of the pain, emotional and physical. I just don't know how to deal with all this and to accept that this is what I have to do and that it just wasn't in God's plan for me to have any more children but I just can't make my heart accept that. Please if anyone has any suggestions please let me know. It would be nice to know there are others out there who feel like I do...

Hi,
I don't know what I can say, your letter made me quite sad, and I just wanted to send you some hugs. You are so young to be going through this surgery, and I guess that we all must second guess our decisons.
If you are worried about the pain after surgery, I'm sure it must vary a lot from person to person, and depend on what you have done. I wasn't in too much pain myself afterwards, apart from the gas pain, and getting my bowels working. I needed very little pain medication afterwards, but some people need more than others.
Just wanted to know that I felt so sorry reading about your emotional pain, and that I hope you feel better knowing people care about you.

s Aurora

Thanks so much for the support and the wonderful hugs. I just find myself dealing or not dealing with all these emotions and it gets so overwhelming. I'm now dealing with a major fight between my heart and my head and it's driving me insane. My husband has told me that if I want to try to have another child he will be behind me 100%. My doctor has told me that if I want another child to get busy on it. But there are lots of catches to that. It's just not that easy anymore. First of all from the previous procedures I've already had( 2 L.E.E.P.S. and 1 cone biopsy) I don't have enought cervix left to hold a pregnancy so I would have to have an abdominal cerclauge(sp?) and be on complete bedrest for the entire 9 months. But I have 2 small children who are almost 3 and 1 and a half so how in the world can I be on bedrest for 9 months? Second of all For the last year and a half I have been on the depo shot so it could take me up to or longer than a year to concieve. I don't have that time. My decision has to be made soon cause I only have 10 more days until my next shot is due. I've considered not getting my shot and giving it a try until November and if no conception has occured by surgery date then it just wasn't meant to be the only thing with that is that when you get off the shot you have really severe cramps and bleeding the first month off and my husband is gone until Sept.8 in Kuwait. I just don't know what to do. I wish someone could just make these decisions for me but I know I have to do it on my own. I'm just so scared. And I feel so guilty of being selfish like this. Selfish because of what I would put my family thru if I did get pregnant and then if I did concieve if my child was born premature and had problems I would blame myself. This is just sooooooo hard. I guess all I can do is search my heart and soul and pray to God to show me the way. I could also use all the hugs I can get. Thanks all for listening to my broken heart.

s ,
I am so sorry for everything you are going through. What a life-altering decision that is to make when your DH is so far away. As I said to ToriTori, it must be so hard when you have your choices taken away from you.
My brother and sister- in- law are in Russia right now adopting their second baby boy, and they have been through so much to have the family that they wanted. My heart breaks for women that have to make these difficult decisions. I will say a prayer for you, as you have been through such a lot.

s Aurora

Dear Sondra,
I never would have chosen the path that has led me so much closer to the heart of the ONE who loves me &you. I am childless ,I really wanted to be a Mom...you have three wonderful blessings to share your life. The path of loss and honest grieving has brought me to a place where I read my Bible as a letter from our Daddy ,The King of the Universe!! When I focus on Him, My life has meaning & beauty in itself & I can get out of my pity -party. I appreciate my DH more He loves me for me...it's really been hard,but it's OK. God is good,and I trust Him.

Oh Sondra,
Did you see the thread I started, No son and now i'll never have one? I feel like I could be you. In terms of age (I'm 36) I feel like I still could have had lots of reproductive chances, but it would have been a health risk too. Not as serious as you, but i can relate.

Your feelings are so understandable and sensible! It is so hard to make these decisions. I even wondered about banking my eggs, and finding a surrogate mother later, but that can be a really slippery slope, and I just would not be able to let embryos stay frozen. Never mind the cost of it all.

You said your husband is in Kuwait - I think there are places on this site to talk to other hyster sis's who are military - you are not alone there either!

It helped me to realize that I was the one making this decision, for my own health. Out of the not-so-great choices I had, I felt the hyst was best (and so did a 2nd opinion Dr.). It helped me to feel a little more in control.

Another thing I did, and I wrote about this on a diff. post - was to write a good bye letter to my uterus. Go ahead and laugh, but I wrote to thank it for giving me the best gifts ever, and to explain that I wasn't angry at it, but it was just getting sicker and it needed to come out. I gave it permission to stop struggling so much, and let the pain end. It really was helpful mentally for me to get some closure that way. Just my

Keep your chin up, you will find lots of loving shoulders here!
s!

~karen

Hi everyone! Just wanted to let everyone know that I decided to go ahead and get my depo shot. It took alot of soul searching but I came to the conclusion that it is better for everyone if I don't have another child. I'm still grieving for that loss but deep inside I know I made the right decision for me and my family. It will take a long time for me to get over this but I know I can and will. Thanks for all the prayers and hugs and all the support. Take care and know that you all are in my prayers.

s to you Sondra. Take care, and keep us informed of how you are doing. There are lots of women here who can sympathize with what you are going through.

Aurora