How Do I get My Miserly DH to Shop w/Me for the Big Event??

Hieeee! Me again. And nope, I DON'T ever sleep!

Question for all you Princesses who might be or might have once been in this situation: My husband is the biggest penny-pincher since Scrooge. He's talking about taking away my VERY inexpensive cell phone ($25.00/month) to "save money (I'm fighting him on this)."
But there are things I am going to desperately need and want to make our bedroom, my recovery zone, relaxing and scrumptious. I'm not talking about spending $150 here! Since he never hands over the credit card to me, I would like him to take me to a bookstore himself (I can already hear him complaining) for a couple (2) of paperback books I've been wanting, and I would also like a new CD (ONLY 1), some new pillows (3), and a couple of new nightshirts (only 2!). And I would REALLY like some scented candles ... gardenia, lily, lavender .... just small things like that (about six). He keeps saying, "We'll SEE," as if he's my father and I want a new BARBIE doll! I'd also like some good snacks and decent groceries for a good diet. How do I explain to a man that a woman who's about to have her organs systematically removed with sterile apparati NEEDS these things? And then, how do I get him to take me shopping? He's under the impression I'll be "fine" after three weeks - he seems to feel this is just another laparoscopy - and that all the planning I'm doing is really too much. But I think everything needs to be planned down to the last little thing, because when I come home, I won't be able to do ANYthing. If anything, he could consider these things my birthday presents. Please help!

s!

Hi Sistersong!

Hmmm......all I can say is that I agree with you that you do NEED these things and that you should definitely have them. I do believe it's very important to be as comfortable as you can during your recovery.

Perhaps you can encourage him to take a look at sections of this site that are designed specifically for "how family/DH can help" during this chapter of your life..... www.misterhystersisters.com -- there is even a downloadable book!!

I hope things work out so that you do have what you need as you recover, sweetie! Please let us know how it goes, okay?

Hi there,

My suggestion......show him Mr Hystersisters.....and if that doesn't work then show him pelvicfloor.com that should make him realise this isn't "just a lap"....men are sad creatures aren't they. If this was happening to them could you imagine the uproar.

I didn't think my DH was taking it seriously until I sat and had a chat with him and told him how scared I was that he wouldn't be there for me afterwards. I didn't mean in the loving husband sense but in the "oh stop milking it sense.....surely you are better after 2 or 3 weeks sense". He then told me that he had looked at the book (about hysterectomy) that I had (conveniently) left on the toilet bookshelf and he realised that I would be pretty much a bedbug except for trips to the toilet and very short gentle walks around the house for the first 2 weeks and then it would be a very slow progression over the next who knows how long before I would be able to resume any sort of normal duties around the house. I was very impressed and proud when he said I had to be careful as I could do damage to myself if I tried to do too much too soon. Ok so maybe he does listen to me sometimes (blush).

I did all the shopping that I needed as I didn't have any PJ's or nighties (I am only 33) and I luckily had the blessing of my DH to get what I wanted or felt I would need during my recovery. I am going to let him know tomorrow that I would like to try and get a secondhand recliner (if I find the time that is) if I can find one for the right price that is. I actually control the finances in my household but I discuss most purchases with the DH, big purchases that is, especially something like a recliner as I would need him to go and pick it up and bring it into the house, so it is not like I could sneak it in without him noticing. Hey who knows maybe after reading Mr Hystersisters or looking at pelvicfloor.com and seeing what you are about to go through he might not only happily hand over the credit card but you might end up with some nice little "I'm sorry I didn't realise" present. Heres to hoping.

Regards Sasha

hi sistersong

I printed off everything from mrhystersisters and blow me he read it all and put it safe in his sweetie drawer, those few things you want are not excessive at all. how about not dishing him any dinner and tell him your saving up for the things you need and had to make cut backs, lol. men are a strange species aren't they we've nicked named my hubby "how much!" he hates that but when I buy anything he says "how much". just bought a cardigan from monsoon cost £50 sterling haven't told him that one yet and when I do will only say £20.
take care of yourself, have read all your posts over the last few days and the fantastic replies you've got, the sisters on here are very kind indeed.
carol

WHEW! I just posted another thesis! I'm sorry, SS, but I've lived in a similar situation and it's a sensitive spot with me.

My heart hurt when I read this, SS. I was married to a man very similar to yours for nine years before I divorced him & found a much better life. I'm sorry that you're having to experience this during such a stressful time. I'm very happy to tell you, however, that there ARE ways around this.

Please keep in mind that my second DH is NOT a normal guy. He's very sensitive to my needs, and even though I'm independent, he tries his darnedest to pamper me anyways. He's actually looking forward to me being on my back and "resting properly" for a while.

However, it took even him a while to realize the severity of the surgery and the post-op consequences. The print-out books and checklists on this site really helped. I didn't just hand them to my DH, however. First I'd read little tidbits to him, then explain that things like that really scared the heebies outta me, and then I'd leave the sheets on the little book table next to the toilet. I also brought my Gray's Anatomy book from work to him and showed him what would be tied off, removed, and/or tacked. I didn't try to shove it down his throat all at one time...Keep in mind that most men do not handle lots of distressing information well. It's better to feed it to them in small bites. It also works to give them time to 'digest' the information. It should be very clearly impressed upon him that you're losing body parts, and your body will be damaged, and need time and pampering to heal properly.

Another thing you can do is ask your GYN to either speak with your DH or give him written information about what you will need during post-op, and the importance of a good diet during post-op recovery. I love having a male GYN simply because he knows how to explain the 'incomprehensible' anatomy and needs of a woman to a fellow man

As to the DH being Scrooge with a wedding ring...There were several 'little tricks' I employed during my first marriage to get what I needed. The first is, if he gives you cash to grocery shop, hold a little bit back when you give him the change. Does he at least give you 'pin money'? Make use of that as well, or at least ask him to give you a bit more than normal because your needs are about to get MUCH greater. If all else fails, and he says you need to 'cut back', make a list of things he's spent money on in the past year, and the things you have spent money on. Ask him to go over the bank account records with him...In marriage, that money IS half yours, and you do have a right to know how it is spent by him, no matter what he says otherwise. Anyways, considering he controls the money, you will probably find a lot of times where he splurges on himself while keeping you on a tight financial leash. I wish that were not so, but I've seen it happen in a lot of situations where one spouse handled the money while the other spouse was kept oblivious.

Yet another trick is making a list of your 'needs' and your 'wants' for post-op, and presenting them to the DH, along with the checklist on here to back it up. Extra pillows are a need, not a 'want', because you will need them during the recovery to properly support your body in bed. Books and/or CD's are not a 'want' either, because you will be on your patootie for a while, and a bored spouse is more prone to snap at the healthy spouse the moment he walks in the door. Unless he wants a mobility-impaired tyrant, he may want to make sure you're entertained sufficiently. Make sure what you really need is in the 'needs' list, and make sure your 'wants' list is a LOT longer. It's all about selling him a bargain and letting him know you're willing to at least sacrifice SOME comforts to keep the finances level while still having everything you need for recovery.

On a personal note from a very bitter experience, let me say that it's never fair to be treated like a child by your spouse. A marriage is supposed to be a 50/50 partnership, not a dicktatorship where you have to beg him like a child for the necessities to get well.

You've got my personal prayers, SS. Please don't take offense at the suggestions, it's merely what I had to do at one time.

Hi SS,

As if you didn't have enough to worry about! Sounds like maybe a little sneeky action is in order. How about candles @ the grocery store?? DH will think it food. Speaking of who does the shopping? I'm sure you can buy some healthy snacks if it's you. Just don't talk about it. Do it. Kmart/Target have all this stuff. You are not asking for anything out of line. Maybe you could talk to a girlfriend about surgery insted of DH. Maybe he's feeling a little overwhelmed. Men can be such whimps. I wish you luck and focus on getting well even if he doesn't come through.