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Suicidal after cesarean hysterectomy Suicidal after cesarean hysterectomy

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  #1  
Unread 01-24-2005, 12:27 PM
Suicidal after cesarean hysterectomy

I woke up from surgery minus my uterus. All my adult life I have suffered from infertility - so I totally understand how it feels to ache and long for a child. It took me 16 years to have my first child and another 11 to have this second one. But I never, ever in a million years expected to have a hysterectomy. I didn't want one and my DH and I were screaming "NO NO NO NO NO" five minutes before the emergency surgery due to bleeding. They didn't listen. I was forced to sign a paper that said I would accept a hyst. I didn't think that after our loud protest that they would actually do it. I had all of five minutes or less to think it over.

I don't believe that my doc was very good. He didn't tie off all the arteries. He just started cutting. Now I am left with no ability to have more children and also major lack of sexual feelings. Sex basically *****. I don't feel anything. It used to be wonderful. I couldn't get enough. Now it is a difficult chore that only reminds me of how much I have lost. I end up crying my eyes out. I even tried a walloping does of testoterone cream but it didn't do a thing! This will eventually kill my marriage, I'm afraid.

No one else in my family has ever had a hyst. My tissue was healthy.

This hyst has taken away my joy in life. I want my uterus back. The finality of my doc's decision is truly killing me. If I had died on the operating table, my family would have had a nice insurance payment. I don't want to live this life of pain and suffering. I thought that for once, I would have something regarding reproduction be normal. I felt happy being pregnant. Now I feel like Humpty Dumpty and I don't want to live anymore.

My therapist is infertile and keeps "forgetting" to call me for an appt. Everyone thinks I should just be happy. Well I can't. This depression is like a lead weight in my head.

Why oh why didn't this beanhead doctor try harder to save my uterus? He never even talked to me about this possibility in advance. I had zero preparation. I feel humiliated. I don't want anyone to know. But the word has already spread. People can guess. I have no interest in my job, my education or pursuing any kind of future.

There is no hope. There seems to be no cure for the sexual problems. If testosterone won't help, I am afraid all is lost forever. I don't have the strength to keep on fighting. I feel fat and ugly on top of everything else. I have no energy to lose pregnancy weight.

I am sorry if some of you think that I "should" be happy because I have children and you don't. Grief is not a competition. I feel very empathetic towards all of you. I have devoted a large part of my life to helping infertile people. I know how you feel. This is simply the straw that has broken my otherwise strong back. Pain on pain on pain eventually wears you down. I am worn down to the bone. I have nothing left.

M
  #2  
Unread 01-24-2005, 12:42 PM
Suicidal after cesarean hysterectomy

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way and if you are having suicidal thoughts, then you need to seek help immediately and not wait for an appt.. Most cities have hotlines for you to call or you could even call your GP and tell them your thoughts and I am sure you would receive the help you so desperately need right now.
You said that you protested the hyst before the emergency surgery. Do you really think that your doc didn't try to prevent this? Did he ever tell you that you could die if you didn't have it?
When was your surgery by the way, it isn't posted under your name?
You don't have to justify your feelings, just get help for them.
You mentioned pain...is it physical and/or emotional?
You are definately going through clinical depression and need help immediately. Have you talked with your DH about all of this?
Please seek help now, right this minute, pick up the phone and call someone or a hotline. You ARE worthy of life and your children ARE worthy of having a mother. Please keep us posted and let me know how you are doing and let me know what helped your pursued.
I will be praying very hard for you right now.
  #3  
Unread 01-24-2005, 12:54 PM
Suicidal after cesarean hysterectomy

Dear Myoho,
you have nothing to be ashamed about - I can understand you don't want to talk about it with others around you, but that is private business and I hope you can not feel ashamed.

You are right that grief isn't a competition, and what hurts terribly for one person might not be the same for another - but if you are in such terrible shape that you are thinking your family would be better off without you, please seek help now. Call 911, get to your dr - take some action to get help.

I can hear the pain in your post, and it is perfectly clear you are still in shock and stunned over what happened to you -and you feel awful about what happened.

The pain may never go completely away, but it should hurt a bit less as time goes on.
You didn't say when you had your surgery - if it wasn't that long ago, your feelings are certainly still wrapped up in the physical recovery.
If it was a while ago, then you have even more reason to get some help as soon as you can.

Please, don't undervalue yourself. Even if you will not bear other children, you have two who need you now. I'm sure your husband treasures you as more than just a sexual partner - I'm not saying that a sex life is unimportant, but that - at least for the moment -- have to depend on other strong parts of your relationship.

Please reach out to someone near you and get some help, some counselling, perhaps even some medication, to help get yourself into a better state.

with thoughts and prayers for you,
  #4  
Unread 01-24-2005, 05:59 PM
Suicidal after cesarean hysterectomy

I am so sorry to hear your pain! It breaks my heart that you should have had to undergo this procedure. I know when I had mine I too went through periods where I thought it would be better to just end it all. I HURT! I was 16, nearly 17 and it just didn't seem fair.

Looking back I know I came to the edge a number of times, I also know I survived, I survived knowing I'd never have kids, that I'd never be a "proper" woman (and believe me I lived that one for years). I survived not marrying until later in life and not being able to adopt kids. But I did survive.

It was hard at times, when I was in my early 20s I heard the story of a woman who had had exactly what I'd had but she didn't end up needing the full hysterectomy...I cried for 3 days, wallowing in my pain and bitterness...but then I faced up to that pain and I faced up to the fact that it had happened and that I could choose to live in bitterness or I could choose to get on with my life...so I got on with it.

It will sound strange but when I turned 40 I had another "episode" of pain and grief when I suddenly realised I would never be a Grandmother! I had never dealt with that before because it just hadn't occurred to me until that point. It took another 3 days (for some reason that seems to be a grieving/wallowing period for me) for me to finally come to terms, yet again, about the turn my life had taken.

I am the person I am today because of my life experiences, that one was particularly hard...but I did survive...and I am sure you will too. Seek help when you need it, please it is important.
  #5  
Unread 01-28-2005, 05:55 PM
Suicidal after cesarean hysterectomy

I hope you are feeling a little better by now. If not, please consider seeing another therapist or a psychiatrist if your current one is unsympathetic. A psychiatrist would be able to prescribe an antidepressant as well as provide therapy. A plus would be she or he would have a medical degree if you have technical issues with your c-section you feel you need to discuss to help get this burden off your heart, even though he is not a surgeon/specialist in that field. Lots of hugs being sent your way. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please know you are not alone.

s
  #6  
Unread 01-29-2005, 03:40 PM
Suicidal after cesarean hysterectomy

  Quote:
Originally posted by Karri
I am so sorry to hear your pain! It breaks my heart that you should have had to undergo this procedure. I know when I had mine I too went through periods where I thought it would be better to just end it all. I HURT! I was 16, nearly 17 and it just didn't seem fair.

***Karri - I am so sorry! NO, that doesn't seem fair at all! I don't know how I could ever have survived what you went through.
***
  Quote:
Looking back I know I came to the edge a number of times, I also know I survived, I survived knowing I'd never have kids, that I'd never be a "proper" woman (and believe me I lived that one for years). I survived not marrying until later in life and not being able to adopt kids. But I did survive.
***I found out I was infertile -- and at that time incurably infertile -- when I was 24. It was horrible. I felt like I wasn't really a full "woman." that I didn't have as fmuch to "offer" to a man. and dating was a nightmare because I was always dreading having to tell the guy and worrying about what he would think/say, etc.
***

  Quote:
It was hard at times, when I was in my early 20s I heard the story of a woman who had had exactly what I'd had but she didn't end up needing the full hysterectomy...I cried for 3 days, wallowing in my pain and bitterness...but then I faced up to that pain and I faced up to the fact that it had happened and that I could choose to live in bitterness or I could choose to get on with my life...so I got on with it.
*** I hear about women whose doctors actually tried to save their uteruses and I get so mad. Mine didn't. He just went in and the very first thing started chopping. I was horrified to read the path report and find out that I may not have had accreta after all! In other words, my doc may have just panicked and not known how to properely treat someone who was bleeding as much as I was and removed a perfectly good utuerus. This sickens me.
***

  Quote:
It will sound strange but when I turned 40 I had another "episode" of pain and grief when I suddenly realised I would never be a Grandmother! I had never dealt with that before because it just hadn't occurred to me until that point. It took another 3 days (for some reason that seems to be a grieving/wallowing period for me) for me to finally come to terms, yet again, about the turn my life had taken.
*** I am reliving all my sad years of infertility right now with this verdict of total sterility. At the point when I finally thought I had overcome my life's greatest sorrow, I get whacked with a savage blow that brgins it all back home. Karri - How do you find meaning in all of this. Right now I am *just surviving.* That is not enough for me. And just surviving for the sake of other people doesn't really cut it for me either. I need a reason to live for ME.
***

  Quote:
I am the person I am today because of my life experiences, that one was particularly hard...but I did survive...and I am sure you will too. Seek help when you need it, please it is important.

***I would not have the husband I have today or the kids I have today if it had not been for my 25 years of infertility. But it still is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

Best wishes and bless you - M
  #7  
Unread 02-03-2005, 05:32 PM
thanks1

Thanks floppsy! -- I shrink pretty much only prescribes meds and I have been that route before -- noe of that stuff does a thing for me, in fact, I just get worse! I do not have a problem with low seratonin, etc.

Incidentally, the latest in my horror story is that I may never have had accreta after all. I checked the path report and there was no mention of accreta. I asked about it and the doc rechecked but found nothing! IOW, I may have been given a hyst for no reason at all except that my doc panicked when I bled out from placenta previa. Honest to god, I have no idea how to handle this emotionally. The social worker at the hospital tried to get me to "accept" this as if it were a horrible accident. And to accept that I had no "control." Turns out there may have been more "accident" to this than she thought.

Thanks for thinking of me. I wonder why we always run to drugs when we are grieving? Ture, I am depressed, but who the heck wouldn't be in my situation!?

Cheers! - Myoho



  Quote:
Originally posted by floppsy
I hope you are feeling a little better by now. If not, please consider seeing another therapist or a psychiatrist if your current one is unsympathetic. A psychiatrist would be able to prescribe an antidepressant as well as provide therapy. A plus would be she or he would have a medical degree if you have technical issues with your c-section you feel you need to discuss to help get this burden off your heart, even though he is not a surgeon/specialist in that field. Lots of hugs being sent your way. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please know you are not alone.

s
  #8  
Unread 02-03-2005, 08:06 PM
Suicidal after cesarean hysterectomy

Myoho,

How awful to be so surprised after going through such a horrible experience. I feel so very badly for you. I also saw a shrink recently. I really found him to be very kind - he has helped put my mind more at ease and answered some of my questions from my hospital post-op report. He explained some data with respect to concerns I had due to organ failure and medical complications from the post-partum emergency. I personally found his medical knowledge and factual nature to be helpful, but perhaps that is because it suited my personality.

I wish you all the best in your recovery, you have had a very difficult time and I am sorry for your loss.

s,

Floppsy

P.S. As to SSRIs, you mentioned that you do not have a problem with low serotonin, etc.; they are the standard prescription for post traumatic stress victims when they have been exposed to traumatic personal danger and are having trouble coping. But you are right, SSRIs are also standardly prescribed for women who have PMS due perhaps in part to low serotonin levels that occur with the monthly cycling of ovarian hormones.
  #9  
Unread 02-04-2005, 12:57 AM
Floppsy!

Floppsy!

Thank you and all the hyster sisters for your support. I am so sorry to read that you had placental abruption and a postpartum hyst - sort of like me. You are way too young to have had this happen to you! I can't imagine why they did a BSO on you -- that seems so very, very sad and, of course, horribly traumatic for you. My story was quite traumatic, too. I almost died,too, and I "should" feel happy, but I don't. I feel vulnerable and used. I don't think there are too many like us - who had surprise hysts associated with being pregnant. It's unbearably sad when I hear that someone also lost their child. I feel like my little baby is my angel.

Both of my daughters - for which I am very, very blessed -- were preemies, so I have seen some very sad things re: babies/placental abruption/etc.

I went to a shrink once who I really liked. He was an expert (He debriefed the Marines at Beirut and was on a United Nations team of experts who helped the victims of the war in the former Yugoslavia!). Sadly, he moved to Oregon. I went to another shrink who was just a pill pusher and obviously could have cared less about my situation -- as I was telling her about a childhood trauma, she interrupted and aksed me why I was telling her this, i.e, wasting her time -- anyhow, I don't really think I need SSRIs, but I will probably need hormonal support. As I write this, I am remembering that my DH told me I should try to contact my old shrink via e-mail. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome was his specialty. I think I will do that.

Best wishes to you, Floppsy and thank you so much for writing to me -- Myoho


  Quote:
Originally posted by floppsy
Myoho,

How awful to be so surprised after going through such a horrible experience. I feel so very badly for you. I also saw a shrink recently. I really found him to be very kind - he has helped put my mind more at ease and answered some of my questions from my hospital post-op report. He explained some data with respect to concerns I had due to organ failure and medical complications from the post-partum emergency. I personally found his medical knowledge and factual nature to be helpful, but perhaps that is because it suited my personality.

I wish you all the best in your recovery, you have had a very difficult time and I am sorry for your loss.

s,

Floppsy

P.S. As to SSRIs, you mentioned that you do not have a problem with low serotonin, etc.; they are the standard prescription for post traumatic stress victims when they have been exposed to traumatic personal danger and are having trouble coping. But you are right, SSRIs are also standardly prescribed for women who have PMS due perhaps in part to low serotonin levels that occur with the monthly cycling of ovarian hormones.
  #10  
Unread 02-04-2005, 06:18 PM
Suicidal after cesarean hysterectomy

Thanks (((Myoho))) for your kind words of encouragement. It helps to have another person to talk to. Feel free to email me or pm me whenever you wish.


Floppsy
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