Caution children mentioned.....sigh

Hi Ladies,
As many of you know, I have suffered from depression and am feeling much better. This post is not a depression post, but a cry of the heart post, which is completely uncharted territory for me...

We know this couple, wonderful people, with three boys, 13, 11 and 10 possibly, somewhere in there. She is probably my age, he must be between 55-65....He has had three strokes, two pretty bad ones, thankfully he is ok, walking, and generally mentally ok, but his stutter is really bad now. They live in filthy surroundings, and make my house look spotless and believe me, it isnt!! Their kids while being really nice and seemingly well behaved (although I do think the youngest has the very devil inside by his evil lil looks, cute lil bugger tho!!) they are always dirty and unkempt. House full of animals, dirty clothes and dishes everywhere, etc. They are on Welfare and not very ambitious at all.

Anyhow, in June when I found out I could finally have my surgery, I found out the mom had a tubal infection and went in the hospital. When I had my pre op, she was in the Gyns office, and I didnt think twice, with her having had some infection in her fallopian tubes....I mean why would I, right?? I havent seen her in quite some time, so wondered how they were both doing, my son quite often plays with her oldest...Anyhow, saw her a few weeks back, very swollen belly! Thought to myself, oh shes pregnant, no she cant be, must be something wrong!! Had my son do a lil snoopin!! He came home to tell me she was pregnant. My heart sighed...I was a bit sad but no big deal....I was ok with it....

Mom meanwhile went into the hospital for pneumonia, and I was quite concerned, if I hadnt been sick I would have gone to see her. I cannot imagine dad dealing with the three rambunctious boys, wanted to find out if I could help her out...Well, DS told me yesterday, "Oh yeah, by the way, she had a baby girl." My heart started crying. For some reason this really hit me. But what really hurt was the look my son gave me as he said "The boys have a little sister." I could see the envy, the pain, and the longing in my sons face, it may have been paranoia at that point, due to the guilt of not being able to have another child....

Why is this hitting me so hard? I gave up years ago on the dream of another child. I always wanted a little girl....Now dont get me wrong, I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful little boy (BIG!!) 5 step kids, and 6 lovely grandchildren... I am very blessed and so incredible lucky. My heart overflows with love and abundance. There is a tiny little corner though that is crying and so sad. It feels so very very empty. And I just dont understand it, as I have done my grieving, over and over in the past 12 years....Everytime I was a day late, a week late, only to have AF show up, to have pregnancy tests done and always negative. I accepted and dealt with the end of it all before my surgery and again since. I am so happy and content with my life, and my surgery. My family fulfills me in so many ways. How can I get rid of that teeny lil piece that is so lost and empty?

Sorry this is soooo long, I just really needed to talk to someone who would understand. My DH as sweet and wonderful as he is, was done at 3 kids!! "Womens stuff" isnt his bag, and while he has been very understanding for the most part, just doesnt get it. To even think of raising another child at 51, he gets white and his heart pounds. I knew that someone on here would understand and be able to either give me advice or tell me I am not crazy. I mean I am happy for them, it is wonderful, and I will get to see and hold a baby girl soon!! However I am having trouble with 'why them and not me?'

Well I am ending my whiney long saga now....
Hugs to you all
kat

You are not crazy and I still have those feelings and up until this very minute never admitted them to anyone since right after hyst..
Even though I knew marrying DH would not give me anymore children it still doesn't make it any easier. DH as great as he is, doesnt' get it either.
He made the comment one time after visiting our DD (24) how great it is that his child is grown and he can have a grown up relationship with his kid. Hello---you have 2 others at home (oops! Please do not over ride censor) This really ticked me off and I didn't talk to him for 3 days. We got in this big huge arguement then and he said at his age (47) he thought he would be done with kids.....well stupid...YOU have a 14 yr old boy here that is YOURS ...AND if you didnt' want anymore kids then why did you marry me AND my DD. (I was not nice during this talk) I thought I had made a major mistake by marrying him at this point and was thinking how i was going to get out of it without destroying DD (he is the only father she has had and she calls him dad)
Then I decided=---why should I be the one to deal with all this? So I sat him down and TOLD him how it was going to be from now on. He apologized over and over and over again and that I totally misunderstood what he was saying at the time. This is when he got his warning---if I EVER feel that he isn't involved with his kids, we will be out the door and i will be taking my step son with me.
Sorry, didn't mean to go off on my tangent, I just wanted you to know that I really don't think men in general understand what it means to a woman to be a mother if they want to be. I even mentioned adopting when DS moves out---he about fainted.., I will if I want to...
Really the only support you will find for this is someone who has gone through it themselves and I am sure you will find it here besides me.
Sending you nothing but love sis,

It's so hard when your head tells you one thing but you just can't get your heart to buy into it, isn't it??

I completely understand how you feel. Intellectually, it sounds like you realize you're probably past the realistic childbearing years. But that doesn't mean you stop having those feelings.

While I'm sorry you're feeling all of this, I'm glad you're able to recognize what's going on and identify it.

I believe there will be better days ahead for you. Remember to hold tight to the family you have and never let them forget how fortunate you feel to have them!

I'm sending you a and hope that helps a little.

Hi Everyone,
I think I figured it out. There is just so much growing I am doing, and healing, and everything is changing from me. Anyone can comment on what I am about to say, as it just may be the answer....I think for the first time in my life, I am feeling FEELINGS instead of the depression talking...If that makes sense. My grieving before was always for MY mistake, somehow being unable to bear a second child. It was MY infertility that was somehow my fault. Somehow, I took a situation that i had no control over and internalized it, as depression can make you do, and somehow it was not realistic. I dont know if this makes sense, but now, I feel as though somehow, it wasnt my fault, and that these feelings as I posted earlier here, are real and true....I know anyone who has not experienced depression wont really get this. Kinda funny, last night, something happened, and I was very upset. 1 year ago, it would have been, what an idiot I was, how stupid I was, etc. Last night, I had a hot bath to relax after the incident and as I was laying there I realized I wasnt thinking those thoughts, it was they are stupid, I did my best!! Went to share with my DH and he just looked at me like "so, you mean you really didnt know that??" I had to laugh, as he was so matter of fact, and yet I was absolutely flabbergasted and thrilled at the same time...I honestly have 'split' my personalities into the before and after, it is hard to believe that I was that bad, and now I feel so wonderful, even with these things popping up. I will be ok!! (Yeah I know, you all knew that before....)

Baby steps, baby steps....
Hugs
kat

((Kat))

Sweetheart I think you hit the nail right on the head with all your self analysing.

You sound like you're doing really well now and you're certainly on the right path!

Keep wandering down this road dear Kat and you can't go far wrong.

I never thought I would have a problem dealing with other women and them having children, but just yesterday, my sister in law had twins. I finally have come to understand what other women mean when they say that they mourn for what their body can no longer do. I am thankful for the children I do have, I just .................... I dont know, it just hurt to see those babies in that nursery yesterday and know that I can no longer have that. I think I kinda resent my sis in law for having them in some way. (Dont get me wrong, I dont think she should have aborted, nor do I think that is wrong if you do, it is a VERY personally decision.) Its just that she already has two children, who the father has nothing to do with (her choice, and the fact that he is in prison .................) She can not support herself financially, and the guy who is the father of the twins (who she did marry) just got out of prison last May. He doesnt work (not enough to support them) and he does drugs too. I guess I just feel like they are in no place to be having babies, but my husband and I are, but yet we cant anymore. Even though we chose not to have anymore after our last child was born. This is crazy for me to even feel the way I do!! I hope you all can make sense of what I am trying to say.

Oh, and to top things off, we found out she was having twins the day I had my hyst ...............

Hi, Kat!

First BIG's to you. You sound like you need a few.

I'm 48 with 3 children --kat(25), nicole(20), and patrick(14). My DH had a vasectomy shortly after our "ooops" was born. Neither of us wanted any more children although we wouldn't trade any of them for the world.

I went through the exact same feelings you are having. They hit me hard and so totally unexpected. Having already chosen not to have more children, I really didn't give this much thought before surgery. I was at a loss for a while.

There is definately a mourning process that takes place after a hysterectomy. I experienced grief at losing my "female" parts and grief, perhaps even a certain guilt, over not being able to get pregnant. I don't know if anyone can truly be ready for that.
It is somewhat overwheming and a very sad time.

Hang in there...it does get better



Katie