Can't have a child and wishing I can

I am 36 years old and I am a newly wed I am
for 6months. I had to have a vaginal hyster due to heavy beelding that took my whole life over. I am glad that idone it no periods which is good. I read on here that people on here at least got a chance to have a child I never really got that chance and it hurts so much to know that I can never have that chance. My husband and I were looking forward to have a child it is not the same to adopt and foster care. It is so hard to see new borns and wish that they were yours it is so hard. It is mostly hard cause my cousin had a baby and I told my cousin how lucky she is to have her . I wish I could of had the chance I say to myself god made the choice he chose for me not to. I am so glad this web sit is here cause It helps me alot cause there are alot of women who gone through what I gone through. I hope maybe I can find a special friend or alot of friends from all over .
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I know how you feel...I am 40, recently had a LSH, and never had children...It hurts my heart but I keep saying that God has a different plan for me...All my life I wanted to become a mom but kept putting it off...I wonder if I had explored my fertility earlier if all this might have been prevented...But I am not second guessing and just trying to accept my fate...Feel free to email me or PM me

Rose,

I am with you - I am 38 (soon to be 39) and like bluefish had waited to have children - I actually didn't think I wanted any until about 2 years ago - then the old clock started ticking in my head - well it turned out the clock actually stopped a long time ago - I guess if I had found Mr. Right 10 years ago I would have been going through all kinds of fertility treatments before finding out it wasn't going to happen.

It is really hard to see people with small babies - I even get upset when I see little toddlers or older kids - I mourn the loss of my "children" (i.e. my ovaries and eggs). And I understand how you feel about adoption and fostering - I am not ready for that.

My biggest problem has been dealing with insensitive people - like my neighbor who told me to find a man who already had children - I looked at her funny because if he already has children there is already a mother (unless I start checking out the widower section of the paper - if you know what I mean). I thought when she said this that Boy it would be so great to find a man who has a family already set up and I could walk into and be a mom - but wait, Mom's already there - so how do I fit in??

Anyway - I feel your pain - daily - nightly - sometimes hourly. It doesn't stay for long - I tell myself I am cured from cancer and will be around for my family and friends - but it doesn't take it away. I also know that the pain can come at any time. I acknowledge it, either verbally with a friend/family member or inside and then I move forward.

Many HUGS to you!
Cat

I know how you all feel. I'll be 36 next month, and I am scheduling my surgery with my doctor this week (cancer). I guess I should be glad that we found my problem so soon, and that had I waited it could have been worse, etc. etc., but it still hurts that I'll never know what it is like to have my own child. I'm just not sure what the plan is for me yet as a result of my not being able to have kids.

I am anticipating the awkward/unecessary comments from people who simply aren't capable of being able to make the appropriate comment. I'm not sure what I will say quite yet when they ask if I have kids, do I plan on having them, etc. I could be blunt and tell them I can't have them - but I don't know - that might cause even more unnecessary comments (poor thing! you can always adopt! you can have one of mine!).

I'm just so glad this website is here and there are women out there who understand what I'm going through!

Hugs to you all. I can empathise.

My sisters complain to me that being a mother is so hard and that there are times when they wish they hadn't had children. One even said I was SO LUCKY that I didn't. I try to remember that she wasn't trying to hurt me just expressing her own frustration with her side of the fence. My grass must look green with a husband who my friends think is an alien because of his ability and willingness to do more than his fair share of housework, cooking etc. ( I am lucky for that!)

Now I am scheduled for TAH next week and already I'm grieving. I thought I dealt with the loss of potential babies already.. I'm 41 and my DH had the big V before we met. Wow I feel like a wimp. I have to be careful checking in with this in my office because tears well up and I look like a crazy woman sitting there crying at my desk.
I'm looking forward to feeling better but a little afraid of the emotional toll this will exact. In my mind I know this is best for my life - I will hope to have more than 10 good days a month and get to stop changing "elephant" pads every two hours. No more looking five months pregnant and I'll be able to wear pants that fit in the waist and butt. Yippee!!!
In the meantime thanks for being there and letting me express in a place where no one has to feel guilt or pity towards me. We must remember that we are creators of our own lives and we can contribute to life whether we can reproduce or not.

DustyRose

Sending hugs and lots of compassion your way. I know where you are b/c I have been there myself and it is so hard. It is so hard to put into words the way your heart feels at times. I have learned something through all this and it is that , for me , I have to let it all out at times. I am also your age and no children. I had to allow myself the time and permission to grieve.....Don't think you are alone out there somewhere, because you are not..find someone you can trust to talk to when you can. It takes a strong person to be able to write how you truly feel and you did that, on your post....thoughts and prayers sent just your way!!!

Hi Rose,

I too sympathize with you. I knew at 21 that I could never have children and I am now 33 years old. It was the biggest blow of my life because I would never know what it felt like to have a life growing inside me.

I recently became engaged Nov. '04 to a very wonderful and understanding man. I kept hearing for the longest time also from friends and relatives who are parents that, the role of being a parent was much harder than it looked.

Working for the Foster Care & Adoptions system for the past 7 years didn't make it any easier. I felt that here it was I can't have children and children were basically being thrown away like they asked to be brought into this world.

But I'm determined not to let that get the best of me. Know that you are not alone.

I know how hard it is to want to give you husband children but what I've come to learn is that....nothing is far more greater than my spiritual father that has never left me even when I thought he had and the man that I will marry in a few months who excepts me as I am.

Keep your head up queen. Much love and continued blessings.

I see people being mean to their kids in the store and think "How can you do that!" I would dream about having my kids. They never came in real life. My selfish relatives always told me that I should not even talk to their kids because I didn't have any of my own. I would go home and cry. Some people just do not understand what it is like to yearn for something you cannot have.
I am well over the physical part of the hyst. but I don't I will ever get over the emotional. At first I made jokes about it, then it got to where it hurt to much to even talk about it. At least now I can talk about it again.
I started out with female problems at a young age and never got better. Always had way too much pain. I waited as long as I could to avoid hyst.
It is so good to be able to talk to those like myself. I feel better.

TAH on 10/29/99 due to fibroids, cysts, polyp, and hemmorage.

As an adopted child I will tell you that you can love a child and be loved by a child. I think of my birth mother as an incubator and my birth father as a sperm donor. My Mom and Dad earned the title by what they did, the values they passed on to me, etc. That is what makes a parent (a mom or dad).

Giving birth does NOT make you a parent. I also have 2 from DH's first marriage that I raised - I am 'mom' to them - more than their birth mother will ever be (they are the ones that say this and I know it kills her to hear it). I am the one that was there for the broken bones, the homework after school, the calls from the school, and that made sure they were fed, sheltered and clothed. I was also the 'bad guy' that had to say 'no' and had to dole out discipline. Even your own child thinks your a bad parent until they have kids of their own - then they miraculously realize that you did things right.

If giving birth is natural then loving and protecting that child should also be - but there are so many children whose parents do not take care of them (and they gave them life) - so conceiving and incubating does not make for a parent.

No, you do not have to adopt - but perhaps because of not being able to have a child you will be an influence for those that do - and help them learn the value of the gift they have been given. You can volunteer to work with 'at risk moms' (there's an intervention program in 26 cities now). You do not have to be a parent to influence a life for the good - and have the right to be proud of having done it.

So very sorry you are sad. It is very hard. I had a total done on the 15th of March. I am 41 years old and went thru years of fertility. There was never a reason that a dr could find for me not to have one. Some things aren't meant to be I supose. After a bad divorce I met and married a wonderful man with two small children, they are my angels. I am a very firm believer that God has his plans for us even when we don't understand. I use to pray and beg him for an answer and now I have it some ten years later. There are still times when I still have that ache to hold my own baby but then I remember to feel fortunate to have what I do.

Just have faith. I know it is hard. Adoption is expensive and there are other ways too. I know we are taught not to question God but when I get to heaven you can be sure that I will ask why because I know I would have been a great mother to my own children too!!

Try to surround yourself with positive and suportive people. Lots of luck and care to you.