Still struggling with a lot

First off, I'm so very thankful I found this forum. I have really been needing to "talk" to those in similar situations. I am really hoping this will be the help I've been needing.

I had a TAH on 10/15/04 when my first child was a month old. Between the time he was 2 weeks-1 month old, I was in and out of ER 4 times with severe hemorrhaging. To make a long story short, they couldn't keep my uterus clamped down. They would get the bleeding stopped, only to have it start again within days. Over the course of 2 weeks, I passed out 3 times, had to be transfused with 7 units of blood, had a D&C, multiple vaginal & abdominal ultrasounds, MRI's, etc. At one point my blood level had dropped to a 6 and my BP was 60/39. There were 1-2 times throughout all this that I honestly wondered if I was going to die before they figured out what was going on. I ultimately ended up with a TAH because I started hemmorhaging while still on meds that were supposed to keep my uterus contracted. They finally realized what I think I realized sooner ~ That the bleeding wasn't going to stop w/o surgery, something the pathology report proved - 4 weeks post partum, my uterus weighed 3 times what it should have.

Since then, I've really been struggling with a number of things. I was extremely depressed and was on anti-depressants for awhile. I've since weaned myself off and feel better most days, depression wise. The issues I'm having now are different and I just don't know how to handle them.

I have lost friendships recently and don't know if it's because of me or the other party ~ I had a close friend who got pg. right around the time of the surgery. I couldn't deal with hearing about her preg. at that time and just had to distance myself. Recently she made contact and I tried to explain why I had backed off, that while I truly was happy for her that I just couldn't deal with hearing about it at the time. I told her I was feeling much better, that I hoped she could understand and that I very much wanted to get back in touch. I was met with "No, I don't understand why you felt you had to ignore me. Remember when you were upset thinking you may never get preg. [We had some problems and it took 18 months to get preg. ] Now you have a baby and you're still upset??"

My best friend of 20 years called on Easter to tell me she's preg. w/her 3rd and it was all I could do to not break down on the phone. I truly am thrilled for her, she and her husband are wonderful parents, but I don't know how to handle it. I can't attend baby showers, I can't go visit people w/new babies, even family members, which has created tension. I don't know how to feel ok with it, I just don't want it to hurt anymore.

I feel so guilty and selfish for feeling this way b/c I know I am so blessed to have my son. He is the light of my life. But I'm still really struggling.

For about the first month or so, my friends were so wonderful, so supportive. But now the message seems to be that I should be over it, be thankful for what I have, look into adoption, which my husband I fully plan to. I really was feeling better for awhile, but my best friend makes the 4th friend of mine who is now pg. I don't want to lose these relationships that are so special to me, but I don't know how to start being ok with things again. I've also found I'm having issues regarding my parenting, but don't know if they are appropriate to post here, so I won't

Well, this turned into quite the novel! I apologize, I tend to get a little long winded! Thank you for reading if you made it this far.

OMG, sweetie, you have been through so much in such a short time; no wonder you are struggling. I am so sorry this happenned to you but I know you realize that a hyst had to be done to save your life. It's just the finality of it all that takes alot longer to adjust to. Don't forget your hormones are out of whack from both the pregnancy and the surgery and maybe your doctor can help you there. Please don't worry about what others think. They have not gone through what you have. It will take time to heal and adjust. Right now, enjoy that lovely little boy of yours and thank God you are there for him and your DH. If others don't understand your feelings right now, don't explain as they won't understand any way. As long as you have the support of your DH, then I wouldn't worry about anyone else right now. I have a feeling you are a strong woman and can make it through this. Ask God for guidance and only do what is best for you. I wish yu much peace and joy. Things will get better with time and patience. God bless!


Emily s

i feel for you. i know how it is to have to feel like you have to explain how you feel to people who don't understand. my situation is different but i had a lot of the same feelings you are having when i had a miscarriage. you mourn your loss & people that have never experienced anything like that just don't understand. they think you should bounce back & act like nothing has happened to you, but it has. you don't have to justify anything to them. i know it's hard to be around or hear about babies & it seems like they are everywhere when you go through something like that. all i can tell you is that it takes time, a lot of time, to heal from such a blow.
i'm sorry you are having to go through it. let dh be there for you. if it weren't for my dh i wouldn't have gotten through my pain. cry and be angry & go through all the emotions that come with a loss & in time, you will do better. i wish you all the best & hope you are feeling better soon.

BuffetFan
First and foremost, I want you to know that you are not alone. Many here, have children but still greive the loss of their womb. Our Aching Hearts Resources has several greif links, books, ect that I find quite enlightening. Journey of the Hearts is one of my favorites because it touches on all kinds of greif. Also, How To Survive The Loss of A Love, is a book many woman recommend. I'm sure your son is the light of your life but greiving for what should have been doesn't mean you love him any less. I'm sorry your friend didn't understand your pain I hope someday you find joy in sharing and becoming a part of your best friends children. First, you have to greive. You may need to find a councillor who specializes in greif therapy. I had a child die shortly after birth and I wish I had sought help. My best friend had a child days after mine died and she allowed me to hold him and cry. She helped me more then she knows. Allow your new and old to help you find peace.

Welcome to Hystersisters....... I'm glad you're here

First of all, I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this!

Secondly, you're feeling exactly what you should be feeling right now. Your feelings aren't right or wrong, good or bad -- they just "are". What happened to you last fall was beyond your control. The medical reports confirmed that your uterus just wasn't working right and it had to be taken out or you were going to die. There was nothing you could do about it!

I don't know what to say about your friends and the feeling that they think you should be over this. I do know that, as a friend, I try to give others as much time as they need to work through situations. But I must admit that I also sometimes wonder when it's OK to laugh again, or joke again, or bring up possible trigger subjects. I tend to walk on eggshells a bit around friends going through tragedy, and maybe that's what's happening to you right now. Maybe they just don't know how to act.

Women go through an amazing array of feelings when the ability to have children ends -- whether it is in this way (surgery) or through natural menopause. The different emotions positively defy logic. I hope you'll come to a place where you no longer feel guilty or unbearably sad when you hear of a new baby or a pregnancy, but the truth is that it may take a while before you're somewhat OK with this sort of news.

Please continue to hold tight to your ds. You are so very fortunate to have him, and he is also very fortunate to have you!

And if you continue to have problems, please seek out a professional to help you work through the issues further. I've been on antidepressants myself, and they can be a life-saver. My best to you always.

Thank you all so much. Just finding this site where I know others understand what I'm feeling, what I'm going through has already helped.

I think I am dealing with the same emotions that you are having. It took me two years to get pregnant with my dd and before that I had a miscarriage after ttc for 1 year and 10 months. I have a miracle baby.

I was on depo provera after my dd was born so I would just spot all the time. My dr decided to put me on Ovcon-50. Well I didn't spot all the time but every time I would have my period I'd end up in the ER with heavy bleeding and clotting and I was getting light headed and dizzy. I had a laparoscopy, D&C and hysteroscopy 3/29/05. Endometrosis, adenomyosis and a fibroid were found. My uterus is also very vascular and tilted and my dr said she "thought" my uterus could carry another pregnancy. Well after my devastating m/c I couldn't do it again and went with my last option (as I've exhausted all others - bcp, Depo Provera, Depo Lupron and D&C) hysterectomy. It's scheduled for 5/10/05.

Now I am seeing new babies everywhere and my heart is longing for another, even though financially we can't afford one and the initial plan was to only have one, it's breaking my heart that if we would ever want another biologicial child, I won't be able to have one. My dad's mom was adopted so I always said I would adopt, but there was nothing like being pregnant and giving birth and I wish I could do it again. Why is that feeling there even though dh and I only wanted one baby to begin with? I guess when things are gone, that's when you miss them (my fertility - even though I wasn't very fertile to begin with).

I still get jealous when I hear of friends who got pregnant at the drop of a hat b/c I tried so long and hard to get pregnant. Now I know my emotions will go wild after I have my hysterectomy. I am glad to know that I am not alone. Although it breaks my heart that anyone has to go through this.

It also adds to my grief that I have a friend and a cousin that lost their babies. Luckily my friend was able to have another baby, a healthy baby and my cousin already had a healthy baby and is about to have another healthy baby. But what if, God forbid, I lost my baby. I would never be able to have that piece of me again. I know I shouldn't think like that, but I grew up in a household of negativity and I always imagine the worst in situations.

I feel for every woman out there that has had to have a hysterectomy without the joy of bearing their own child and I guess I should just feel blessed. I feel selfish for having these thoughts and worries. But I know I am only human.

Thanks hystersisters, for having this board. It is wonderful to be able to get my emotions off of my chest. I mean dh and I can only discuss it so much without me seeming like I'm crazy for having this on my mind all the time.

Chrissie
Sophia Rose 10/16/03
m/c 10/10/02
5/10/05 hysterectomy scheduled for fibroids, adenomyosis and endometriosis