A Friend Needs Help

Hi.. my name is Caralyn, and I'm brand new here. My problem is this... I have a good friend who's wife (29 yrs old) recently wanted to have a tubal reversal. But when she went to the Dr. for that she found out she had to have a complete hysterectomy (cysts, infection, endo., and possible cancer). Since then, her moods have been going out of control. He has asked me to find any and all information on hysterectomy.. so he can help, or at least understand. She suddenly wants a divorce, goes out and parties all the time, says she doesn't love her DH anymore... but then will let him give her backrubs, etc. at times. Also, he has found evidence that there is now another man. Nothing conclusive... but just cards, love notes, she leaves for work sometimes 3+ hours early, etc. Before the surgery, she was totally in love with him. He loves her to the ends of this world and more... and it's killing him to see her this way. This guy has been an excellent DH and father to her children.. and he doesn't understand what's going on... and desperately wants to know. It hurts me to see such a, what I thought was, a very strong, wonderful marriage so messed up. And of course, not only that.. but to see her in such misery! ANY information on this would be VERY appreciated!! Thank you soooo much!!!

Welcome aboard Caralyn. Sorry you've had to find us under such difficult circumstances. Sounds like your friend has his hands full, along with his wife. I do hope things can work out for them and all the hurts can be put to rest.

I can't help but think that there are two very different issues at hand. There's a hysterectomy and there's a marriage in distress. Two very different and unrelated things, me thinks. You may want to advise your friend not to attempt to "blame" the marriage problems on his wife's hyster. This could stir up a whole host of other problems. Putting the blame on "her" surgery is not really addressing the symptoms. Of course, I say this not knowing both sides of the story, much less this poor couple.

I suppose all you can really do is lend an ear and some emotional support and encourage them to find that love that once seemed to be so obvious in their relationship.

best of luck.. and pad those shoulders of yours... seems like you're in for some good shoulder leaning.

Hi

I was thinking that the hysterectomy described probably IS related to the trouble this woman is having. Keeping in mind that she initially went to have her tubal ligation reversed, and ended up with a hysterectomy instead, I would say she has reason to be emotionally upset and probably could use some professional help. Mind you, you can't force somebody to get help, but if her husband is as caring as he sounds, he could offer to go to counselling with her and if she refuses, he could go himself and maybe get some ideas on how to deal with his situation.

I feel because she learned she needed the hyterectomy when she originally went in hopes of being able to have a child with her DH, the love is there. She seems to be acting out as a grieving/mouning outlet. This is so sad..I hope they will be able to get into counseling, she has some feelings that she is drowning with men and parties, which will do nothing but prolong the healing that must be done.
All you can do is be a supportive friend right now, which it sounds as if you are. I will pray they are able to sit down and go through counseling together.
Best of luck.
God Bless.
Lissy

There's so much more to this story.. it's hard to put it all down. Not only did they have the stress of the hysterectomy.. but just a few months later, their garage burnt to the ground.. damaging their house with smoke. They've been living in a hotel since then, due to a slow insurance company. It was not long after they moved there that all this started to happen (partying, etc). ALSO.. she just started taking her supplements in the past couple of months. Her surgery was over 9 months ago. She refuses to go to counseling, with or without DH. She says she wants a divorce, even got the paperwork for it.. but then, she nit picks all the repairs to the house.. like they've both wanted it. See, they have agreed that if they divorce the house is being sold. So why, if she really wants a divorce, would she want all this remodeling done "their way"? When it will only be sold anyhow? It's a very long story. I personally think it's because of the surgery.. AND everything else that has gone on afterwards. Her SIL had this done at the age of 24.. she has tried and tried to talk to her about counseling, and how important it is to take her meds, etc.. with no luck. Thanks to you ladies for your input. If any of you have any good sites on hysterectomy.. and the emotional side of it.. would you send them my way? THANK YOU!! My email is Mom2CtBCjBGmB@aol.com THANKS AGAIN!!!

I dont know if it is the hysterectomy or not....i am not sure if she is taking mood altering meds either. If she was depressed that is possible.

I just divorced 4 months after my hysterectomy but I wanted it before hand. I just didnt have the courage or the stability of mind to do it at the time. THe hysterectomy seemed at the time to settle my mind and emotions. Ofcourse now 5 months later they arent so settled.

I had some of the same problems you spoke about of your friend. THe going out acting nuts basically. Although I lost all mothering instincts too. Mine was caused after my 5th baby was born ( mind you that 2 died) I had been pregnant off and on for 6 yrs because this is the way my husband wanted it. I hit severe post pardem depression and the doc put me on meds. Before I knew it I was on several meds and out of control. I didnt know who I was at all. My life had been stolen from what the docs had me on. I started staying out all hours of the night , not sleeping, becoming suicidal and blemic. I lost to 103 lbs from 165. I also had gotten some boyfriend that seemed to care for me . THese things were totally out of nature to me I would have never done them if I had not of been mind altered. So please dont think me bad. I am off the meds now and back to being a good mother and person. Although I did still divorce my husband, but I must say that is because he has not been there for me. I had to go through the pain of loosing children and my hysterectomy alone and under emence stress from him.

I dont know if this helps but maybe it might.

Sounds like the dear soul has wigged out. It happens. Here she had this plan that she thought would make her happy. And that choice was forever removed from her. Now she dealing with the aftermath of the hyst,difficult under the best of circumstances and essentially feeling homeless. Nothing hubby can do can fix her percieved loss so he has lost somthing in her eyes maybe. She is probably feeling a major lack of self esteem and is subconciously destroying what is left that is worthwhile in her life. To punish herself and him. They need counsling as a couple and her own seperate grief counsling. If they belong to a church or have in the past anything you can do to steer them in that direction could be very valuable. They need help. It breaks my heart for you. It is obvious you care deeply about their welfare,and this must be painful for you. If she talks about her feelings to you about the Hyst steer her this way. THIS is the best and most supportive place to deal with the hysterectomy issue on every level you mentioned. I will keep you each in my prayers. I am so sorry things are so bad but never lose hope! Love Lass