lost fiance......feel like i lost myself

Hi. I'm 25. I had been with my fiance for 4 1/2 years. Well when I had my hysterectomy we had been engaged for a year. I had it done in January of 04 and we broke up Dec 04. He was great through everything. I always knew that I never wanted kids but after the surgery I was really depressed. I think it was the fact that the choice to have children was taken away from me and it hit me harder than i thought it would. I lost my job and didn't work for 9 months, I gained alot of weight, none of my clothes fit so I never wanted to go out anymore but I'd get mad when he went out without me. I guess I figured he should want to be with me and if I wanted to be at home than so should he. Being single for 6 months now and looking back I realize how bad I messed things up. We're still friends but I miss him so much. I don't know how to let go when I still love him. I just feel like everything's falling apart. I was doing fine the first 4 months we were apart and then all the sudden in the past month I miss him so much. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

Dear aph 1102,

I am so sorry for everything you are dealing with. It must be so hard for you getting over such a long relationship and with the addition of dealing with all the other things that go along with the hyst. The protective side of me notices something you said about him going out alone when you did not feel like going out. I would have been very hurt and concerned if my DH did this during the time I was getting over my hyst. Although I am not sure of the situation in your case. ......it would also seem very hard to have the feeling you keep and still try to remain such close "friends" with him. Only you know the whole story and my only advise that I can give is to listen to that inner voice that we all hate, but sometimes our feelings are correct deep down, and also, don't forget to look out for your own feelings and for what you need. It seems we as women spend a lot of our time caring for others and letting our own emotional and mental health suffer. Sending you hugs and lots of support. Hang in There!! Let us know how you are doing. People will be here for you!!!

APH 1102.
I am sorry to read your post and know that you are hurting. The only advice I can offer is that it is a good idea that you are still friends with your boyfriend... That means that he hasn't totally written you off of his life...

I think he will help you if he does come over to visit or if you go over to his house to visit and even if you just talk, it will help you heal... because those "blues" always seem to hit us at the most inconvenient times, huh???

Also, I would recommend that you keep other friends around, to, as they can help shoulder your burden and (sometimes) if they have a problem, it can help you if you can give them some advice and in turn can keep your mind off of your sadness...It is possible to wrap ourselves up in other people and then we do not realize how much we are hurting.....Hope this helps, Hugs, Reeni

aph 1102,
I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering with this right now. I know how bluesy I've been since the my hyster, and my DH is made of rock, or he wouldn't be able to stomach it. But, a very big part of me has to agree with blondgrl's statement about him going out alone when you were still suffering. This very same thing brought my marriage to a grinding halt a couple of years ago, and it was more than I could bear. It has since been made a rule at our house that if we're prowling the town, we're prowling together! I also agree that it seems he has not shut you out of his life. Maybe you should tell him about the emotions you're experiencing. At least you would have the relief of getting it off of your chest. I'm sending you a big and praying that things will turn around for you soon!
Vanessa

dear aph1102
I'm really sorry for what you are going through right now. I had a hysterectomy at childbirth, 4 months after my DH and I got married (3 years ago, when I was 25). We weren't planning to have any other children, but I felt I was betraying him for not giving us a choice. I gained 50 pounds, left my job, stopped seeing my friends for a whole year, almost divorced…
Then I realized that the pain made me egotistical. A good chat probably saved my marriage. DH married me when I was slim, active, a good job, a good pay, lots of friends… though it is obviously hard for us to go through the pain, have you thought of how hard it must be for them to go through this, not knowing what to do to help us? And just not understanding what we are really going through? I think guys prefer to run away than feel useless.

I hope you two can talk this out, at least know exactly if he is really the one for you. I hope you also get back on your feet soon, it's been 3 years for me and the only solution I found was simply to move on. Stand tall and smile – people will admire you for your courage. And when you're down, you know we are here.