Feeling Empty and Sad

DH took me with him to the hospital (I hate that place anyway and it always upsets me) to see a young new mother who is in our Sunday School class. She didn't show up on Sunday as she had the baby then. We had gone up there to see her (not my choice but I also wanted to be able to let her know we care) and at the last second, I chickened out to run to the bathroom and bawl my head off. She was still in labor and DH and our boys (good friends of hers) went in to see her. Tonight, we went back up and I only went to keep from being lonely and crying at home. I made myself go in and be happy for her and talk about her delivery and babies. Even though just this afternoon my journal entry says how HARD this stuff is for me and how I HATE seeing all of it right now. I hate seeing any skinny models or suggestions of firm busty bodies right now when my breasts are DISAPPEARING before my eyes. Well, she told DH he could pick up the baby and having ours now 16 and 13, he got scared and handed the bundle to me. I have to say that I was not angry, but just profoundly SAD. I cried right there. And held that baby and asked God to bless him and thanks for letting me hold him too. Even though it hurts SO BADLY and I ran out and cried my heart out in the bathroom alone again and then all the way home and into bed. It didn't help that I woke up this morning tired and the pain is still 24/7 but not as bad - just some days. Like today.
I had my two pregnancies with two babies. I also had miscarriage, tubal lit that became infected, tumors, and cervicitis, along with MANY infections every year. You'd think I'd be glad to have done this. But all I can feel is loss. I am mollified by the thought that the cervicitis- if I had chickened out or left it for "another time" could have turned to hyperplasia and cancer in time. And all I thought they were going after was the fibroid tumors. I didn't know why they also thought it best to take the cervix too. And the surgery was fit into a "ASAP" mode which makes me think it would have gotten much worse- I can ONLY IMAGINE.... I was out of my mind in pain then and it didn't help to think of the loss I KNEW I was going to feel. I felt it as soon as they said what they thought the best treatment plan was for me.
I WAS also looking forward to turning the magical "Womanly" 40 this Oct. All I can feel right now is EMPTY.

Dear Fireman'sWoman,
I'm so sorry to read of your struggle. Having this surgery is a journey and a process of working through emotional and physical loss that is hopefully balanced by what we gain. Sometimes the scale seems tipped to that negative side.
That was so gracious of you to want to reassure this new mother even though you were dealing with your own pain and grief over this very issue. I do pray God will use this experience to bring some healing to your heart in this area. I know He doesn't want you to feel empty. You have so much to live for and to be thankful for.
You have two beautiful sons and a loving dh. You are truly blessed. I know you know that, but have just gotten down and aren't focusing there right now.
When you are in pain, physical or emotional it clouds your thinking and makes it hard to be positive. Please be patient and don't be too hard on yourself. This is a process of healing that is going to take some time, but if you allow it to it will build true strength of character and you'll be able to help others who are facing these same challenges with the valueable life lessons you have learned.
I hope your physical pain will end soon. I'm so sorry you're still hurting. You are still healing, so don't give up. Some days without pain is a good thing. I was also a very slow healer and it took what seemed like forever to get past the pain. I'm finally there. There is hope.
Keep looking up.

's,Rita

Dear Fireman's Woman, I remember the emotional feelings of loss when I had a tubal ligation following the birth of my third child. Even though it was my decision and I knew it was for the best, I could not get over the fact that I would never be able to have another child. It affected me so much that I did not want to have sex with my DH. I felt it didn't serve a purpose but to remind me I would never again bear another child. I went to my 6 week postpartum visit and cried my eyes out on the exam table. My DR wanted to strangle me because I had told him before that I was absolutely positive the tubal is what I wanted. I was so troubled emotionally for the next few months that I scheduled an appointment with a counselor. It really helped to talk about it and work it thru with someone else. I found that I adored children so much that the thought of not being surrounded by them is what bothered me the most. Even though it seems like it would hurt so much to be around babies I went back to school, became a pediatric nurse. I am so happy to be part of their lives and their Mom's lives even if just for a little while. Don't be afraid to seek out help. It isn't good to carry so much baggage alone. You need to heal emotionally as well as physically to be your best. There is so much life to be lived yet and we need to live it to the fullest. Hope that this helped, even just a little.

TAH, BSO and Anterior and Posterior repair

Fireman's Woman

I ams so sorry you are hurting this way. We understand how tough it is going through surgical menopause and all that it brings.

You are still healing emotionally and physically,and it does take time. Your hormones play a big part in this and many of us have gotten help for this and the moods. Please talk to your dr and let him know how you are feeling, especially if it is all the time and you just can't get out from under the cloud.

You are a very special person with a kind heart, and much to offer others.

We are here for you, if you need someone to listen. I am praying that with time, you will have much brighter days.

s

I'm new at this I had my TAH on June 20. of this year. I have one adopted daughter so I was not able to experience childbirth. But she is my heart. I know your feelings of saddness. I don't know where it comes from. It just hits my all at once. I guess it's best to keep on trying, maybe each day will hold a new beginning

I'm new at this I had my TAH on June 20. of this year. I have one adopted daughter so I was not able to experience childbirth. But she is my heart. I know your feelings of saddness. I don't know where it comes from. It just hits my all at once. I guess it's best to keep on trying, maybe each day will hold a new beginning