please, i just need someone to talk to

well, i don't even know where to begin. my surgery is on monday and i feel like my whole life i falling apart. my co-workers are more supportive than my husband. my mother is staying with us and it has been for quite some time now. all of a sudden this is really bothering him and he is really being nasty to me. he would never say anything to her, but just me. i mean, it is annoying for me to have her here for a year, but she is my mother and she has no where else to go, i can't kick her out on the street!!! i told him that i can't go through this right now. i am very nervous and scared about my surgery and it doesn't seem to matter to him. i can't stop crying. to be honest i really don't think that i want him to go to the hospital with me. i know he will just stress me out and i can't handle it right now. to be honest i feel like going to stay somewhere else until monday, just so i could get some relief. he is complaining about everything. i work a full time job and i am trying to get my house in order before my surgery. i don't know what to do, it is pretty sad when all of my comfort is coming from my 15 year old son. i am sorry to sound like a complainer, but i don't know where else to turn. besides all of the emotional crap, i have been having extreme pain in my lower back and killer cramps. any comforting words would be greatly appreciated. thank you everyone for being there for me

Mary, oh it makes me sad to read your story. It's too bad people can't treat you like the princess you are already and the princess you will be after you have your surgery. Maybe hubby is really scared about this and is not sure how to discuss it with you? Sometimes men are really weird that way. I sure hope that's what it is. You're definately NOT a complainer, you are in pain and you aren't seeing alot of support around you. I hope the weekend gets a bit better for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and I hope all goes well on Monday.

((hugs))

I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you. I wish I could help in some way. The only weak suggestion I can come up with is maybe go for a drive. Take a few quite a moments for yourself. I am sure of one thing. Life has a funny way of working itself out. I've seen it here in Louisiana. I have watched all of those people from the New Orleans areas move into our town. Having only the clothes on their backs without homes to go back to. Yet they are making it work. I don't know how, because I don't think I could be that strong.

It's going to be alright, just focus on yourself.

I had my surgery July 15th. It was worth ever stressful moment. You will feel better and things will work out for you.

God Bless

I agree with Karen, sometimes men will pick on a situation (like your mother) because they really don't want to deal with what's really bothering them. He is probably pretty scared of you having your surgery and also with having to deal with you being gone for a couple days. If you have time try and go for a walk or sit on the porch with it just being just the 2 of you, ask him what is really bothering him and open up to him about your concerns, it might really help.
I hope you feel better soon and I hope your surgery goes well!!!
Many,many hugs!!!

Hi there,
I am here if you need to talk, I am alone divorced so I can't help much with the husband, but I do have a good shoulder for you to cry on anytime you feel the need.
I have gotten so much better having all these GREAT
sisters to talk to, they are all so supportive.
If you need to chat one on one PM me and I will share my e-mail adddress with you.
Here to listen and help if I can
Take care.
Prayers are with you and your family
Kay

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel. My TVH is november 3rd and i have so many emotions going on, and NO support. My husband has not once hugged me and said things like "I'm here for you" or "everything will be ok" I am very alone in this. My husband is mean and says things to hurt me. He seems to have no feelings about what I'm going through. My comfort comes from my 2 year old grandson who tells me he loves me everyday and hugs me constantly. The precious little guy has caught me in tears, and hugs me and says "Are you ok? I love you !
It's very hard, and if I could, I would be right there to give you a hug and encouragement.
Bless you, and I will keep you in my S

Cararay

I agree with Karen--you are not a complainer! And, it's very important to think this stuff through before surgery, and not get slammed with it afterwards.

Is your mother a source of support? Is she staying with you right now because she's in a pinch, or is she a low-functioning person in general? So many of us, myself included, have mothers that are the opposite of supportive!

Lots of men freak out when you have surgery because they are scared and don't even know it. If you are the "rock" in the family, your DH may even be mad at you and not know it. Excuse the psychobabble--I admit, I'm a trained therapist.

If your mom is not a helpful, maternal sort of woman, do you have any friends you could lean on? Is there a friend that could come to the hospital with you instead of your DH? I think that it's sometimes worse to have someone there if they *really* don't want to be there. You don't want to be dealing with someone else's negative feelings while you are going through your own trauma. What about one of your supportive work friends?

I'm sorry you hurt so much! If I were you, I'd try to leave the house as is, and focus on what you need. Even if what you need is a clean house, it's *not* going to stay that way after your surgery, if you are the one who does all the cleaning. If your pain would allow it, is there a friend you could go out to dinner with? Drink some wine? Go to a movie?

I'm so sorry this is so hard right now. If nothing else, you can come here for plenty of shoulders to cry on.



Margot

Mary,

I'm sorry your husband is being so difficult at a time like this - you don't need this right now. I do agree with the other ladies that he is probably scared about your surgery and just doesn't know how to show it so he is taking it out on your mother staying with you.

Have you tried to talk to him about the possiblity of him being scared? Have you explained the procedure in detail so he'd be prepared as you are? Does he think everything will fall on his shoulders - or maybe the opposite; that since your mom is there - that she will be able to help you completely and that he will feel useless?

I just came home from the castle yesterday - my TAH was on Tuesday afternoon and my DH stepped up to the plate and has been terrific. I'm sure he'll be fine on Monday - but do try to talk to him if you can. Maybe go have lunch or dinner just the two of you-- spend quality time together. Maybe he won't feel so lost in the shuffle and will be able to give you the support you deserve and need.

I'll be thinking of you on Monday --

I TOTALLY understand. I was freaking out that my husband would not rise to the occasion and voiced that to my Mother that lives in AZ and my best friend that lives in CA. They both spoke to him so I think that helped. I just kept reminding my husband that I expected him to be there for me for at least 2 weeks. I was totally amazed that he had it in him to do all he has done for me. You may be surprised. I was very stressed out and not being myself with my good and bad days etc... when it all came down things worked out to my advantage. I live with a control freak so some of my hosptial stories with him there are interesting and I havent shared those yet but he was there ALOT and when I got home I was treated like a queen. Of course we are all different but I think you might want to sit down with him and just have a heart to heart. I know its hard since men arent really the heart to heart type. I did and it worked for me. Good luck with this and I'll have you in my thoughts and prayers for your surgery day!!!

Oh, Mary, I feel so bad for you. I've been there and know what it feels like. When I was first diagnosed with cancer last year, my husband actually yelled at me, blaming me for not going to the doctor sooner! He was just horrible to me but I came to realize that was his coping mechanism...he was just so freaked out, I think he had a weird emotional freeze.

I think it is very important for you to talk to your husband and tell him exactly how you are feeling. We often expect our husbands to "know" how we are feeling (really, is it a stretch to expect someone to be sympathetic to us before major surgery??) but I've learned that--at least, with my husband--I have to spell it out exactly; his attitude changed after I told him how scared I was and why I was scared (I am done with wondering why he couldn't figure this out on his own; just one of the mysteries of the universe, I guess.)

Tell your husband how sad he is making you, how you need his love and support right now. It might help to give him specific tasks so that he feels a little more in control of the situation. I do hope and pray for you that he turns his attitude around so you can feel calm and ready for your castle visit. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.