scared of becoming bitter & mean.

Hi Mori, I am sorry you are having a hard time. I have the same feelings you do. I went through fertility treatment while I was married with no success. Now I am divorced and had to have a TAH/RSO. Lost the left ovary during the fertility treatment. I have times when I feel really sad, lost and alone. But when I come in here and read the posts and all the replies I get, I feel so much better. We are all here for you. You are not cursed. I know that it can feel that way. Just keep in mind that your feelings are just that, YOURS..don't let anyone make you feel you can't have those feelings. I wish you peace. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Thanks to all of you for trying to help me through this emotional turmoil & for making me feel less alone. I guess we take it one day at a time. They say time heals all wounds, but I think this one will remain open for a long time.

I am so sorry for your difficulties, I have been unable to have children because of a genetic disorder. It was finally decided about 10 years ago in my thirties. it took me a long time to come to terms with, although the acute pain settled more quickly. But I now feel very happy with my life, i work with children and am involved in the lives of
several children of my family and friends. In a way I get extra special relationships with them as i have no other children competing for my attention and I get so much back from them. It has gotten much easier with time and life is very full. Family and friends have been very grateful of my happiness to babysit!! I am also thinking of doing respite care in the future. I trust that with time your pain will ease. But it is very hard at the start. take care, when the time is right other opportunities will present themselves
caffoe

Thanks for trying to make me feel better. What I really hate most of all is people feeling sorry for me & I know they all do..family, friends etc. I feel so sad for my parents, particularly my mother because I know she is deeply saddenned by this. I've noticed that family members aren't comfortable around me & are probably feeling sorry for me & don't know how to react.

I think once you start to come feel better, others around you will be less anxious and take your lead. At least that is how it was with me and my family and friends, it took a while and often I used to feel others discomfort and my own pain when the subject came up,but it settled. i also think it helped talking to people about how I was feeling about it, it became less of 'the thing we have to be carefull about'.
caffie

I'm not comfortable talking about my feelings openly to friends or family. Everyone acts like nothing happened & I also act this way. I feel partly angry at their attitudes, but I have to admit that talking about it would make me break down & cry & I don't want to go through that time & time again.I also notice that they try keep any news of anyone being pregnant from me. This I find ridiculous & infuriates me even more. I don't know what I want or expect from everyone, but pretending that everything's rosie isn't it. I't hurts to admit but our pain is our own & nobody really understands or "really" cares. Sometimes I don't want to see or talk to anyone. My life will never be the same & nothing anyone says or does will make it better anyways. I feel alone &empty,& embarrassed at my failure as a woman. I am becoming bitter & other peoples children just don't do it for me in terms of "filling my void. I am even thinking of switching careers (preschool educator) because I can't imagine working with children anymore & being the pity case for everyone. I dread any new job or meeting new people because I have to answer if I have any children when they ask. I just don't care about anything in general & I'm consumed with self pity.

It sounds like you are having a really rough time and I have had those sort of feelings too. You sound so sad and angry.I am not sure how long it has been this way for you, but if it is a long time, have you thought of going to see someone like a therapist, to see if they might help. It helped me, although I had a lot of other issues too. I agree, we are ultimately alone, never more so sometimes in these situations, but some things can help. I guess it is just a matter of trying different things and seeing which one is right for you.
Easier said than done, I know. Perhaps there is nothing we can say to make you feel better, just listen. You are in my thoughts.
caffie

Thanks caffie, I've been this way since my diagnosis & surgery. I look back at my life & feel sorry for how I've ended up. I suppose I have good days when I'm grateful I needed no further treatment after my surgery & I have days when I have no real will or drive for anything. I hate what has happened to me & I don't know how to get past it & move on. What is there to look forward to besides follow-up appointments for the next five years? I guess I'm having a bad day & really venting. Thanks for trying to make me feel better.

Unfortunately sometimes people need educating on how we need them to respond to us. I used to think that "people should just know" this. And I used to believe that it would cause me more pain to talk about hurtful things (and depending on the person and the relationship, some times it is)... but when I am dealing with a long term relationship I have found (FOR ME anyways) it causes the least amount of pain (in the long run) to tell people what I need. What is hard is when I dont know what I need, but if I dont know (and tell others) then I dont feel I am being fair if I hold it against them that they dont know what I dont know either.

I also dont expect that people think I can read their minds. We are all different and need different types of comforting. I give it my best shot, but if I get it wrong I SURE HOPE that they tell me what they need so I can give them the type of comfort that is ACTUALLY comforting to them.

Grief is a hard journey and I know this first hand as do many of our sisters. I wish everyone peace while they navigate it.

OMG Mori, your second to last post couldve been me writing it. I GETIT!!! I am also closing up. Talking to my loved ones about my screwed up emotions at this point makes me feel like I am admitting to failure on my part. I am a person normally in complete control of everything. It has me very angry that I have lost that control, and they dont understand what im feeling. How can they understand when I dont!!! Hang in there sweetie!! It HAS to get better for both of us!!!!!!!!!!!!